The Reason Why You Should Never Ask for “The Closure” Talk

Before I sound like I don’t have a heart, I want you to know I understand how it feels to go through a breakup. My message here isn’t some lesson on “how to lose your soul in 30 days.”

The goal is to take a step back and understand what a breakup means and your best course of action to move forward as soon as possible.

I am not teaching you how to evade pain and disregard the sense of loss you’re experiencing.

I’ll do you one better; my whole writing journey began five years ago because of an on-and-off relationship.

The same lesson I am about to teach you is an enlightening journey I had to go through once upon a time.

When a relationship ends the first thing we want to do is go through the series of question that we have revolving in our mind.

It becomes overwhelming. It can take over your mind and certainly consume your mental space day-to-day.

Then we have all made the mistake of approaching our partner for a follow up closure talk.

Yes, that is a mistake.

No, I am not going to entertain this idea that it is the best approach for the result you want, and we will get to that at the end.

The big shocker

You’re not the first person to hear the dreaded phrase, “we need to talk.”

You almost certainly know what’s coming next: the breakup.

It feels like the rug is being ripped from under you and your partner is hitting you with news out of the blue.

The first thing you need to understand about the breakup is that it is fresh…To you.

Unless you have entered a partnership with an evil villain, your partner did not wake up and decide to break up with you out of the blue.

Your partner thought about this decision for weeks if not longer. They consulted with friends and family and processed the loss before they approached you with it.

That is the reason it feels so cold when they approach you with a decision you feel they thought through without you.

Again, it feels like they have thought it through without you, but when you go through your memory bank, they have brought up the issues multiple times, whether it was a series of small talks or, hopefully not, a series of arguments you have had.

Your instinct is to follow up that talk with the closure talk after you have processed the breakup.

Here is the truth nobody wants to be blunt with you about.

“I want to break up.” There, closure.

Magnetic force

To keep the snowball rolling, I know why you don’t want to accept “I want to breakup” as closure.

You feel like if you had a moment to discuss the issues in the relationship then you can talk about a resolution to the problems your partner experienced, and you can pave a path forward!

Exactly…That’s the problem.

Most people don’t want “closure.” They want another opportunity to prove why their partner should see the value in working on the relationship and fixing the problem.

The reason this isn’t the best approach is that you are trying to keep your foot in the door instead of seeking out what you can work on in the future.

Well Tunde, I actually want the closure talk so I can find out what to do better next time.

Gotcha again.

Your experience with one person and their response does not paint the complete picture of how you should move forward.

Your experience with one person paints the picture of how the relationship didn’t work out with them.

Am I telling you that there is no chance they could provide useful insight on areas you can improve? No.

I am telling you that throughout the relationship they have already done that and now they have hit their breaking point.

I am telling you that you also have a partner who has items they can work on themselves. That advice you’re so desperate for can come from someone who has areas for improvement and your inability to fill those gaps for them can negatively reflect upon you in their view.

I am telling you that you have the power to find the root of the problem through other avenues that don’t include repetitively talking with your ex.

The golden nugget

Let’s say you find some way to feel that I am incorrect about everything I have covered so far. That’s fine.

I will tell you something that isn’t debatable.

The reason to skip the closure talk is it is the ultimate form of self-respect you can show yourself and if you want your partner back is the ultimate signal they should reconsider.

Writers that won’t be blunt with you will give you the soft approach, but I am here to tell you the truth.

When someone breaks up with you, they are secretly telling themselves that they are better than you and can find a better partner. They expect you to fight back and try and undo their decision.

What happens when you don’t chase?

All that goes out of the window. It shows them the person they expected to find on the other side of the breakup isn’t there.

The person on the other side can move on, accept no for an answer, and build themselves back up for the next person.

The confidence they once had precipitously disappears. Yes, this is why actions like “no contact” are so effective.

It strips the hierarchy someone has placed between you two and levels the playing ground.

You have the tools to move on and do the inner work to discover where you could have been better. You have the power to focus on yourself and fix the areas they told you led to the breakup.

Your ex is not your therapist. They are one person with one perspective.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.