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What would it look like if men and women spoke up about sexual abuse promptly? It could be because they were resilient, shameless, trustful that someone cared, and were courageous. They may have felt they would not receive retaliation for reporting, had resources for support and were believed by others.
Well, this is not the case in so many incidents of sexual abuse or sexual harassment.
The #WhyIDidntReport is a diverse entanglement of complexities. Children or adults of sexual abuse or sexual harassment may be threatened with retaliation from the perpetrator. It does not take a mental health professional to comprehend that people suffer from shame, neglect, distrust of others, and worry when they are harmed by others.
Often, the person who has been sexually harassed or abused may not be mentally up to reporting the offender. They may be suffering from low self-esteem, and are scared to speak up. As children, we look upon our parents, mentors, and authorities to protect us.
However, the perpetrator may be the one who was supposed to protect us. When we compare the belief systems, tools and resources we had as children, to the ones we have today as adults—there is likely a better chance that as adults, we are more prepared to handle sexual abuse then as a child in some cases.
Shaming someone who comes forward denies that person to speak their truth and honor their experience. According to Beverly Engel, who has been a psychotherapist for over thirty years,
Sexual harassment and assault can be a humiliating experience to recount privately, let alone publicly. Victims of sexual harassment and sexual assault in adulthood or sexual abuse in childhood tend to feel shame, because as human beings, we want to believe that we have control over what happens to us. When that personal power is challenged by a victimization of any kind, we feel humiliated.
In an age of digital technology, some people do not want their story all over the internet. They don’t want to be re-victimized and embarrassed again. Let’s not be quick to judge others.
If a person does not speak up in a timely manner—it can be because they were not ready or able to speak up for themselves. As I write this article, it reminds me of my own sexual abuse by a man who was well-respected and trusted.
For years, I overachieved in many aspects of my life. Hoping time would fade the memories, the memories were my shadow until I began to acknowledge it was time to get help for myself. Some people will need professional support and care—it may be the only way for them to be able to feel safe, heard, and validated.
Writing, speaking, and helping others who have been abused has been very healing for me. Why? Because the other person learned that they are often more powerful than they realized.
The stigma of coming forward is often great, even though the victim is innocent.
There are countless times that a man confidently told me that he was molested or sexually harassed. When I asked if they reported it, I would often hear, “it was humiliating or embarrassing.” I just want it to go “away.” The statistics we hear about or read are only compiling the numbers of people who are reporting sexual abuse or sexual harassment.
One of the best things we can do as human beings is to allow someone to come forward and acknowledge their adverse experiences. Yes—the burden of proof will always be on the person who claims they were sexually harmed or harassed, but if they are unable to provide evidence, it does not mean the incident(s) did not happen.
What would it look like if we allowed people to speak out about their abuse and not judge the timing of their communication?
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This post is republished on Medium.
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