The Red Flags Were Always There on Day One — I Just Ignored Them

I used to think that heartbreak came out of nowhere. That some day, things just change, and the person you fall for has changed.

But if I’m being completely honest with myself, the red flags were always there from the beginning. Sometimes, they were there from the very first conversation. I just ignored them. I invested hope in their potential, which ended up costing me decades of my life that could have been better spent with the right person.

The Red Flags Were Clear as Day, But I Had My Rose-Colored Glasses On

When I look back at my relationships, the truth is that the red flags were always there.

The Commitment Phobe

The guy I dated for eight years told me on our first date that he wasn’t sure he wanted to commit. We were young, and I figured that with time, things would change.

I thought if I was patient, he would come around when he was ready. We talked every day, he stayed with me for weeks at a time, and it felt like a relationship. He called me his girlfriend, but he always had others on the side (unbeknownst to me at the time, of course).

But eight years and a half-assed commitment later, I was still waiting for clarity. The truth? I should have listened to him from day one.

The Vanishing Man

Then there was the next guy I dated, the one I was with for three years. But there was a long gap between the first and second dates. When he finally made plans for a second date, I was excited that it went well. But in all honesty, I should have walked away from the guy who took a month between the first and second date. Someone genuinely excited about you doesn’t just vanish at the beginning (or at all).

But I reframed inconsistency as mystery. He also painted a picture of his life being far busier than it actually was.

It was no surprise that he made less time for me as the years went on (and he became engaged to someone else behind the scenes).

The Separated Man

Then came the next guy, the one I fell in love with for the next five years. He was married but separated. He told me very clearly from the beginning that he wasn’t ready for anything serious. I heard him, but I also heard him when he said his mind had changed.

Over time, feelings grew, and the connection intensified. He told me I was his soulmate. He was ready now, he claimed — but it was just words. His actions never fully aligned, so it was no surprise when he continued to see other people.

Red Flags Aren’t Always Dramatic

I used to think red flags always had to be dramatic, bad things. Lies, cheating, stealing — you know, the type of things that are blatantly obvious from the get-go.

But sometimes, red flags come in the form of subtle hints and clues that someone’s intentions aren’t aligned with what you’re looking for. Ignoring the red flags can cost you months, years, or decades that could be better spent.

Sometimes, we hope that we’re the exception. We hope that love will change someone’s mind. We hope that someone will change. But love isn’t about someone changing. It’s about being met where you’re at and things falling into place naturally.

The Bottom Line

What I’ve learned is that when someone tells you who they are, you should listen very carefully. Sometimes, you might not want to believe it when they say something that points to the fact that they’re not the person for you.

Someone doesn’t need to be a bad person to not be your person. And there’s no point in wasting time on someone who’s not meant for you.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.