Lori Lothian reveals the hidden ingredient that spoils most romantic unions.
I thought I had solved our latest relationship problem using my down-to-earth fix-it approach. He wanted more sex, so I chose a Nancy Regan slogan cure: I would “Just say yes!”
Even if I was tired, preoccupied or grumpy—after all, it wasn’t like sex was a chore. Sex was typically pleasurable and invigorating. So what did I have to lose by being available whenever my husband was in the mood? In fact, there was almost something hot about the idea of being at someone’s beck and call, like a harem wife or a sex slave (though I’m not into kink, novelty is always stimulating).
So for two weeks I put up no resistance and even suggested sex a couple of times when I would normally have opted for a more passive approach like falling asleep. This could have been the upbeat ending where we live happily ever after, having regular episodes of enthusiastic sex. However, something tricky happened which I am going to call the “mood of unlove,” a phrase coined by relationship psychotherapist John Welwood, author of Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships.
This mood of unlove is actually a deep-seated and universal suspicion we are not loveable just as we are, a basic insecurity that generates a whole laundry list of bad behaviors.
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According to Welwood, despite all the psycho-spiritual relationship panaceas out there, most of these solutions fail because they miss the hidden cause of conflict between couples. This mood of unlove is actually a deep-seated and universal suspicion we are not loveable just as we are, a basic insecurity that generates a whole laundry list of bad sabotage behaviors in relationships:
“Difficulty trusting, fear of being misused or rejected, harboring jealousy and vindictiveness, defensively stonewalling, having to argue and prove we are right, feeling easily hurt or offended and blaming others for our pain.”
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What does this have to do with my new rip-roaring sex life? Well, for one thing, it was never about the sex, not really.
I figured this out when the most obvious solution (more sex) did nothing to permanently resolve the relationship tension. While it seemed like infrequent intercourse was originally the culprit, that gripe was a decoy for a deeper grievance all tied into the mood of unlove. I was busy polishing the surface while oblivious to what lay beneath it.
My understanding of the subterranean nature of the real problem (think deep, dark wounded psyche) arose from a kiss. We were dancing one night at a party and ended up in a passionate lip lock that I’d not experienced since our courtship phase. I mentioned this fact to my man and suggested we do a lot more ‘From Here to Eternity-style necking because frankly, I was having a turned-on response.
Where had that assured man gone? Somehow, he had negotiated away a big part of his identity in a bargain for love.
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The next day he was distant and reflective, and by that evening a new issue appeared. He realized he had been unconsciously locking away parts of himself to appease me. For instance, he’d cordoned off his swaggering male self that, when we first met had embraced me on a dance floor and kissed me deeply. It was this same unapologetic self that would just make a seductive move without too much concern for whether or not I was in the mood, unless of course I returned his efforts with an outright no. Where had that assured man gone? Somehow, he had negotiated away a big part of his identity in a bargain for love.
Yet I didn’t set this bargain. I wasn’t asking him to be solicitous and cautious as my lover, nor to tip-toe around my tepid desire levels. I missed the strong masculinity I first encountered when he courted me, the man with whom I told my friends I had experienced unparalleled sexual polarity. Post-mortems are rarely fun but they can be useful in determining what killed something. In investigating the demise of a strong sexual current between us, a question arose: Did I play a role in this lockdown of the very dynamic that attracted me to my man in the first place? Because as much as I wanted to blame him for the problem, I was pretty sure my only role wasn’t the one my ego cast me in, that of the long-suffering good sport to my partner’s issues.
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So while he was busy figuring out if a counselor could help us get back on track, I read John Welwood’s book and then sat in contemplation of my mood of unlove. How exactly did I suspect I was not loveable just the way I am? And how did this fear gradually erode what had started out as a robust sexual chemistry?
The answer shocked me because my self-image as a sexually adventurous free-spirited type (I’d missed the 60’s but had always imagined the summer-of-love would have been a blast), was suddenly under siege.
My answer? I am not loveable when I am not sexual.
Somehow I had unconsciously decided that my sexual expressiveness equaled lovability. This meant the inevitable times when I am not feeling sexually open (when I am sick, exhausted, preoccupied, peri-menopausal or emotionally distant), my lovability was in question. In fact, not only am I not loveable, I am flawed in that place of sexual ambivalence.
In the face of my fear of being unlovable, he had stopped loving and I had stopped allowing love in.
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All at once I understood my man had picked up on this from me—that when I was feeling sexually unavailable, I was feeling unlovable. With this unworthiness leaking from me, I was probably about as inviting as a toxic spill behind a bolted door. Sure he could swashbuckle his way in like the leader of a hazmat team, but that would require a heroic belief in his own lovability no matter what. So he had backed off from sexual advances unless it was clear to him that the door was wide open. In the face of my fear of being unlovable, he had stopped loving and I had stopped allowing love in. (This is not to say he too does not have his own mood of unlove and carries his half of what goes wrong in our union. But here I am focusing on my side of the story).
The question I will surely dance with from this new self-awareness is just how can I love myself whether I am sexual or not? How can I accept all of me just the way I am? Because only when I can give myself this gift, can I offer it to another.
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Photo: Flickr/Amnesty International
This piece originally appeared at elephant Journal.
Have you heard of Steven Stony and his work? (compassionpower.com) I believe he boiled it down to feeling one of two things underlying negativity in relationships: inadequate or unlovable. His solution is for couples to support each other in feeling adequate and lovable in different ways including telling your partner that they are adequate/lovable and why. And through other means.
There’s a difference between assertive and non consensual. Shit definition of masculine
I’ve known women like this, and I myself have fallen victim to this mentality – that your sexuality, your body, is what’s importan. It’s what you have to offer. I’ve come to realize that the sexual identity some women embrace is a big part of issues they face romantically, and otherwise. I see these same women still sporting pencil skirts and spike heels, representing themselves as fantasy billboards for men, thereby creating the very environment that harms them. I believe if the women who do this, as I once did, focused more on who they are and what they can… Read more »
I really appreciate the journey you take us on with your writing. Keeping a long term relationship alive and vital in every department might be about this kind of self regeneration and reflection… also humility, intelligence and a tendency to care deeply.
This is immensely interesting, providing loads of food for thought. Thank you.
‘So what did I have to lose by being available whenever my husband was in the mood?’ Depending on the man (it doesn’t seem to be the case for your husband), he’d be less caring about what you wanted and only thought about himself. There is a danger is making yourself completely available at all times. Some men won’t hear the word no anymore and will assume that your job is to be there for him whenever he wants. On a more serious note, some women have been killed by their partners for not making themselves more available to a… Read more »
If the “man” you are with turns into a raving lunatic simply because you start to say “yes” more often for sex, then you already had a raving lunatic and its better you know now. As you said when you contradicted yourself half way down, women have lost their lives for NOT being more available… it really has nothing to do with the woman and everything to do with the man. Frankly i believe both partners, so far as they can, should be open to the needs of the other, otherwise you have a relationship of selfishness, often infidelity (again… Read more »
Lori, wonderful insights from intimate experience! Helpful to all of us.
Great article Lori, thanks.
From my experience (I’m a psychotherapist who specialises in working with men) this kind of thing is a huge factor in struggling relationships. I’ve also experienced it myself, both from partners having self worth attached to sex, and my own beliefs about being unlovable.
Will definitely check out the book.
Exploring the underlying motivations to our actions is such a key element in having great relationships – thanks again for sharing so openly.
Lori, There is lots of excellent insight in your article and I commend your efforts. I see the problem in a different light. First, which many have touch on is the definition of sex and it’s role in the marriage. I feel for many sex has become confused with love. It’s become the only way for some to give and accept love and that feeling of “love” has begun to rule their lives. It forms a core belief that dictates to them that sex is their number one need in the marriage. This need for sex is really a cry… Read more »
I don’t think it’s our value (as human beings) that is determined by the words or actions of our spouse. More like our significance to that person, who is supposed to be a special one in our life.
I would agree with Leo above that this basic feeling of “unworthy of love” is one that plagues many, if not most, people, male and female alike. And most people aren’t even aware they’re grappling with it. It took therapy for me to really see how the origins of my insecurities and how this played out in my life. I wasn’t conscious of it, but deep down in my psyche, I felt like my lovability had to be proved over and over and over again, and that any time I screwed up, that made me less lovable. So when depression… Read more »
Hello Lori, You can wear glasses, hat and moustache, but don’t you think I’d recognize your hair among one thousand? 🙂 I agree with all the ones praising your writing, I like the way you write too. But talking of the core of the topic, I think that something escapes you. First preliminary observation: At some point you seem to say something like “I indulged in the previously missing sex for two weeks and couples issues pertained, so it kinda proves it’s not about sex …” Buzzzz !!! Untrue! Just let me tell you something that everyone knows, men for… Read more »
Wonderfully written and insightful. Lori Ann Lothian, I live with health issues and I am currently really being willing to break the “how can I feel ill below a certain level (and be unable to help) AND be loveable”. Whilst there have been people who have helped me create this belief, like yourself I am aware that it is there regardless of the behaviour of others. I find the first step in letting go of such beliefs is to allow the belief to be by bringing to bear a gentle awareness and acknowledgment. “Oh look, here I am playing that… Read more »
Excellent article Lori. Courageous. I believe the core human condition is this feeling of being unloved and unlovable just as we are. And from this stems all kinds of expressions of suffering that we can see around us every day in every area of life.
This feeling seems to be so deep, this feeling of being unlovable, that it can get to seem that it is actually who we are and not just founded on a belief about who we are. A conversation to be continued I suspect …
Does it stem from a fear of (or a sense of?) being abandoned as a child?
Because as a little child, the only thing we have to connect us with our parents, our family, is love. And then it is literally a question of life or death!
Without getting into public psycho-therapy, it stems from living out a family system anti-script. Well, it did. What is not clear in this piece, is that two years have passed since writing it. I guess a follow up article is in order.
Hi Lori Ann,
I was actually thinking of this behaviour on a general level. Because I can see it playing out in so many areas. Sorry I wsn’t more clear on that but I didn’t intend to Point at you or anyone else, specifically.
My apologies./K
Cont’d All at once I understood my man had picked up on this from me—that when I was feeling sexually unavailable, I was feeling unlovable. Because whenever any of my ex-GF’s turnded me down and told me to stop making an idiot of myself, for doing something that used to swoop them away. What I picked up from this wasn’t that they felt unlovable (because I loved them…!), but that I was unlovable for not conforming to their standards of my conduct! So I mellowed down. Tried to not impose myself! Which leads to the opposite reaction. “Why don’t you… Read more »
@FlyingKal,
LOL! Not laughing at you but with you. It seems like a no-win situation.
Hi Jules,
Yes it truly was.
But isn’t this very much like the situation yourself, and most of us within a committed relationship seem to find ourselves in?
@FlyingKal, “But isn’t this very much like the situation yourself, and most of us within a committed.” Yes, I have to agree. I have been with my girl friend now a year. Things are still going well. One thing I have done with her is to place limits on my emotional availability. Not to be selfish. Rather, to protect myself. She certainly has noticed this ‘limited availability.’ Of course she thinks it is related to my prior marriage and all the emotional and mental issues I suffered. She said he knows I can give her more. But, she said she… Read more »
Thank you for posting this. Post-mortems are rarely fun but they can be useful in determining what killed something. In investigating the demise of a strong sexual current between us, a question arose: Did I play a role in this lockdown of the very dynamic that attracted me to my man in the first place? Because as much as I wanted to blame him for the problem, I was pretty sure my only role wasn’t the one my ego cast me in, that of the long-suffering good sport to my partner’s issues. This is an issue I see pretty clearly… Read more »
@FlyingKal,
” if we (when everyday life of relationship sets in) 9 times out of 10 show nothing but aversion and weariness to that very behaviour??”
Why would you begin to show aversion and weariness to something that you clearly enjoyed? Was this just a fantasy? Was it immature infatuation?
I really do not get this argument.
I am not sure I get this concept of ‘mood of unlove.’ I need to read this a third time I suppose.
Thank you for your thoughts. I used to date a girl that found so much of her self-worth was in being sexually available to me. Although I enjoyed the attention, I could never convey to her that her value to me wasn’t just sexual. When she didn’t have that sexual attention from me, she believed the relationship was in trouble. The relationship didn’t work out for other reasons. This is also the kind of attitude in a woman that creates sluts.
Joseph
✺ “This is also the kind of attitude in a woman that creates sluts.”✺
Can you define a slut for me Joseph?
And how do you know what is behind women’s actions and preferences sexually ?
This article did not resonate with me at all. I guess some women feel like this, but I have felt like that nor have I met other women like this.
Yeah, it didn’t really resonate with my either. That said, there are a million and one reasons that relationships fail.
Thanks for your thoughts, Josepth. It could be any reason for a woman, or a man, to imagine unloveablity exists. Just for me, two years ago (when i first wrote this piece for my FB notes) it was about my sexuality, waning in perimenopause, and yet having been such a central focus of my worth for many post puberty years. I don’t know that your “slut” ccomment was meant in the way you intended it. Perhaps you meant that a woman who believes her sexuality/sexual availability defines her, is likely to be very sexually active or have many partners? For… Read more »
@Joseph,
“This is also the kind of attitude in a woman that creates sluts.”
Joseph, there really is no such thing as a ‘slut or whore.’ There are only women whom you like or dislike, for a myriad of reasons. Why do you have to tag or label her a slut?
Even though I would eschew dating a woman who ‘sleeps around’, I would never denigrate her by thinking of her as a ‘slut’ or ‘whore’.
Actually the word slut means that a person has a lot of sex with a lot of random people. You can say that the word slut doesn’t exist but the fact is that it does. Men can be sluts as well but to say that there is no such thing as a slut is to deny facts.
Well done for slut shaming, Joseph. Just what we need more of in this world *sarcasm*. Men have also made themselves sexually available over the years in a different way, would you call them sluts? I suspect not because the double standard you are preaching is clear enough in this instance
hahahah….ummm I don’t have a double standard. I have been known to call some of my man friends sluts and man whores. I have also said that of women. My definition: people who sleep around with multiple partners for sport. Have I meant it in a demeaning way? No, more so as a descriptive word. It’s the words I add do it such as….well I won’t get too vulgar. I call it like I see it, man or woman. If that person finds it offensive, maybe its because their actions cause cognitive dissonance.
Lori, that was great…and very enlightening. Thank you for sharing this. It happened here too…Your thoughts have helped me understand it a little bit more.
Thanks Tom. I’m glad to hear my own insights into my marriage dynamic helped someone else or resonated.
Brava! Such open and brave writing, Lori.