The Secret To Getting Closure When They End It [Video]

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)

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what would you say to people who are
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still looking for the reason why
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somebody left or somebody didn’t want
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them and they can’t seem to be able to
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move on until they have that piece of
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information what about to those people
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quiet Forward Thinking not backward
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thinking
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so in other words
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it’s worth asking the question could I
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be could I be doing anything better
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that’s a question worth asking
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I don’t want to be with someone who
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doesn’t ask that question of themselves
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ever like that’s a that’s a that’s not a
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that’s not someone with a growth mindset
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but I think you have to apply in in a
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forward-thinking
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way so that would be
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you could be brave enough to say to
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someone hey as awkward a question as
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this is I and I have broad enough
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shoulders to hear the truth
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is there anything that made you feel
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this way
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because I want to be better in my life
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and I I’d love to be aware if there’s
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something I did that
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that caused this
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and you so you could be brave enough to
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ask that question but
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I also think that when people get one of
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our programs and they read all about the
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attraction formula
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what that gives you that I think is very
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useful is there are four components to
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deep and Lasting attraction
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so there’s visual chemistry there’s
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perceived value perceived Challenge and
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connection
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and when you look into each of those
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four things and what they mean and how
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you how you do them
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I think what it does is it gives people
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a model to go which
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part of these am I not doing a great job
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of
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so maybe I’m creating a ton of value
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that would be perceived value maybe I’m
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showing an insane amount of value in the
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way that I treat someone by doing things
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for them by having great conversation by
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being generous by being thoughtful by by
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you know adding to their life
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but I’m doing a really bad job of
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creating any perceived challenge because
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I’m not showing someone that there’s any
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real price to pay for all of that value
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I’m giving it from a people-pleasing
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mindset and so despite the fact that I’m
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giving a ton of value this person’s
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taking that value for granted because it
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doesn’t come at any cost even if they
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treat me poorly even if they don’t
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invest in me even if they go hot and
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cold I’m still at a moment’s notice
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willing to give them all that value so I
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think that someone can look at that and
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go oh
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that’s what’s happening is I’m not
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actually challenging this person
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or they might see that I’m adding a ton
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of value but I’m not really connecting
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with this person so all the value I’m
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giving is value that I’m used to giving
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but it’s not based on anything I really
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know about this person because I’m not
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asking the right questions to get to
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know this person so this person doesn’t
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feel like I uniquely see them or
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understand them
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this person just feels like I’m a kind
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of generic people pleaser so I’m giving
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a lot of value but I’m not connecting in
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a way that makes that person feel seen
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or understood by me and we all want to
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be some with someone who sees and
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understands us my point is that you can
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apply the attraction formula and by the
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way the get the guy book if you want to
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order a copy of that book on Amazon I’m
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not I’m not even saying this from the
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point of view of
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um plugging these things I literally am
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just trying to think where if someone
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wants to learn more about any of these
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things what’s the best place for them to
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go but the book is a good introduction
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um they get the guy book but my
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my point with all of this is that’s an
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one approach is asking someone another
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approach is going to Someone Like Us who
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has a model and saying which part of the
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model do I intuitively feel like I’m not
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doing a great job of compared to other
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parts and I think people are actually
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surprisingly good at self-diagnosing
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once they have a model to work off of
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like a lot of people are pretty good at
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being like Oh yeah if I’m honest
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I’m not creating enough chemistry
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because I’m not really flirting
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you know I I’m adding a lot of value to
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someone’s life in all of the things I do
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but and I’m connecting because I’m
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having lots and lots of really deep
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conversations with them but I’m not
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creating chemistry because I’m not
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really flirting and creating any tension
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with the person so I think a lot of
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people are good at diagnosing those
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things
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but
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what I’m at the heart of everything I’m
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saying is that that is a forward-looking
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approach
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in other words if going back to the
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YouTube thing
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I shouldn’t sit there and read all of
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the comments on a video from two weeks
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ago
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and lament what I wish I’d done
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differently
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in that video
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instead you have to say I’m gonna be
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forward-facing in what do I want to
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bring to the next person or even if it’s
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with the same person
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forget what did I do wrong what did I do
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wrong it’s just what do I want to bring
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that’s different to the next interaction
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with that person
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either because I’ve had a conversation
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with them and they’ve let me know
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something that I did that that wasn’t
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great or something they didn’t see
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enough of and I want to give more of
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that in the next interaction with them
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or because I’ve done one of Matthew’s
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programs and I’m now starting to realize
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there was something I didn’t do but I’m
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gonna just I’m I’m gonna bring that to
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the next interaction I have with that
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person
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and if it’s too late and that person’s
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already decided that they’re not
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interested
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part of our obsession with closure with
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that person
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and wanting to revive it is that we’ve
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convinced ourselves that that there is
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only that person
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and that’s just not the case that’s just
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not true
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they are not the only person on earth
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that could make you happy you did not
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find the only attractive person that
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exists you didn’t find the only person
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on Earth that will find you attractive
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there are more of them
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and you can apply all of these learnings
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that you’re getting
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to the next person
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and I would I really would encourage
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someone this is where I will kind of be
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heavy-handed with this
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one of
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the bravest things you can do is invest
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in what we have
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because it will give you don’t then have
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to scratch your head trying to think of
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the answer
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and trying to just kind of search around
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in the dark for what might be going
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wrong you actually can come and take our
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programs and learn more about what’s
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Happening Here why am I in a certain
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pattern constantly and we’ve spent 15
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years with those patterns so what might
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take you years to self-diagnose for us
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is just like oh this is what’s happening
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this is what’s happening and if you
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learn about this it’s going to make a
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difference we are often better at
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self-diagnosing or being harsh to
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ourselves right so a lot of these things
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aren’t going to be surprising when you
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go out looking for satisfaction from
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somebody else and oftentimes let’s say
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someone was brave enough to go ahead and
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ask that question to somebody like well
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uh is there anything any pointers you
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can you can give I think they’re most
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likely gonna give something like you
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said Audrey where it’s just like I just
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wasn’t really feeling it like I wasn’t
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feeling the sexual connection or
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whatever
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okay so you got that from them but what
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do you actually do I mean this is why I
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think it’s just a lost cause to do this
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I think that is not the route I would
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give any of my close friends to do I
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wouldn’t say like go ask this person and
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see if you can get an honest answer for
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them I’d say go watch your Matthew video
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go buy his book and be honest with
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yourself as you’re reading and listening
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about what it’s getting at that you
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might actually be guilty of exactly
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exactly because you have probably if
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you’re a curious enough person that even
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asked that question in the first place
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you’re probably pretty good at a little
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introspection and a little bit of
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learning and in that case you know save
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yourself the awkwardness because they’re
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not gonna they’re most likely not gonna
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give you the satisfaction save yourself
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the awkwardness and just learn the
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attraction formula and I I agree with
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that at 100 and the last thing I’ll say
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on this is that
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is very tempting
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to overemphasize the importance of the
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person that got away
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and to think that there’s something that
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that you need to go back and kind of
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fix or change and get that person so
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that you can finally get closure and
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know that they didn’t get away because
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of something you did or something that
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went wrong that you could have changed
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it’s very easy especially if we like
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someone
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and they were charming and they were
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interesting and they seemed to tick a
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lot of boxes if they don’t like us
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or decided to fade out is very tempting
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just to go
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I must not be good enough
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because it’s not like I can point to
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them being a complete
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douchebag it’s not like I can point to
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them being a horrible person
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I actually like them and I think they’re
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a great core quality human being who was
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really charming and they just didn’t
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want me it’s very easy for that to be so
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crushing because you go and therefore
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the conclusion is just that I’m not good
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enough
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and it the value of that person seems to
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go up at that point because they didn’t
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choose us and now it’s like whoever we
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get if that person didn’t choose us then
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we’re still not good enough because we
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need closure with that person we need
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that person to want us again for us to
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have closure
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that is a trap
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that is a trap because you you can’t
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you can’t go back and be enough for the
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person who was incapable of seeing your
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value or for the person that met you at
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a time of your life where you were still
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evolving and therefore weren’t the you
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that you are today
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is in is so pointless to ever worry
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about who we weren’t enough for in the
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past
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because you’re not who you were in the
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past
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and you can’t go back and change the
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universe to a place where you were ready
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in the past or where you would learn all
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the lessons in the past
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there is someone
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that will fall for you
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who
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someone in that person’s past wasn’t
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enough for
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right like that my my brain goes to
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whoever you end up marrying
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they rejected someone in the past
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who is a perfectly wonderful human being
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and turned out to be the most awesome
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partner ever
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but the person you’re marrying
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rejected them at the time because that
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person was still a work in progress at
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the time or because the work person
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you’re married you to was a work in
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progress at the time and couldn’t see
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that person’s value so it’s kind of like
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we’re all
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World due at some point like we’re all
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gonna get get hit at some point with a
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rejection with our ego being crushed
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with not being good enough for someone
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at the time because we just hadn’t
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evolved yet or
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someone couldn’t see our value because
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they weren’t involved yet it’s it’s a
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big circle
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it’s a big circle and sometimes it’s our
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turn
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to get hurt and sometimes it’s our turn
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to be chosen
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don’t distract yourself from the from
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the moment in your life where it’s your
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time to be chosen
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by obsessing over a Time
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when it was your turn to be rejected
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before you go I have a free video for
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you to watch over at
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moveonstrong.com if you right now keep
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obsessing over somebody that you are
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struggling to get over maybe because
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part of you wants them back but you also
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kind of know that might be a terrible
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idea but also part of you wants to move
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on but you don’t know how because you
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don’t feel strong enough
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go watch this video I promise you it’s
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going to help the link is
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moveonstrong.com and it’s free I’ll see
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you there

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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