Sex. That three-letter word holds so much and can be so powerful. Tracee Dunblazier knows this and offers her help in finding balance in your relationship.
Getting on the same page with your partner in your sexual relationship can be as easy and harmonious as you want it to be but often has the tendency to be quite precarious; what with busy schedules, stress or mixed messages. Sex is many things to many people; sometimes it’s a definition, an esteem booster, a nemesis, a drug, a sacred expression of love, or a varying combination of all of them.
So, how do you keep that connection going? Well, it depends on a few factors like how long you’ve been with your partner and of course everyone knows about the rumor out there that men and women relate to sex differently. I believe at our most fundamental core we all share some essential needs, so I’d like to focus on those just to get your creative waves of awareness moving.
It is easy to use sex to get what you want in a relationship. A lot of people do it. Although it’s easy to withhold or dole out your sexual favor with purpose, within a relationship it’s not kind and doesn’t build on everyone’s need for trust, openness, and relaxation within the sexual experience.
Power struggles are a natural part of getting to know someone, but if you don’t feel safe or find you need to be in control of your partner or the sexual experience, maybe you’re not quite ready to respect yourself or your partner in the way that a loving sexual connection requires. Do the following four suggestions and you should be right as rain.
Accept Yourself Perfectly
Body image is a big deal in your sexual relationship, but no matter what you feel or look like, there truly is only one amazing you. Feeling sexy is different than looking good; it comes from how you feel about yourself and how much personal power you feel you have.
Everyone has thoughts of comparison to others or of changes they’d like to make. At a time when you are not having sex, strategize about one change and make it. However, when it’s go time, tell yourself that you are perfectly sexy exactly as you are. It’s amazing how much our thoughts can inspire reactions from people witnessing us. So, try this, starting on a Monday: repeat 30 times a day; I am the sexiest and most loving person on the planet, and see what that gets you by Friday.
Let Yourself Be Who You Are
Many aspects of our sexuality are negotiated. It is a common belief in a marriage or monogamous relationship that it’s your partner’s responsibility to make sure your needs are met. This is magical thinking, being able to connect with your partner or reaching climax are the two elements of your sexuality that only you control. Your partner will contribute to your feelings, but they are your feelings.
It’s not ever anyone else’s responsibility to ensure your sexual happiness, just you. You accomplish this when you are upfront about your needs to your partner. For example: you need monogamy to feel comfortable sexually, you’re into Bondage and Discipline, you like oral or anal sex, or feel most aroused in the morning (just to name a few), then your partner can let you know what they feel most comfortable with. Talking about sex early in the relationship is important; because really, if you have specialized interests it’s okay. When you tell a new partner early, you will either have the love and support you need from your lover or plenty of free time to find the right one.
Kindness Always Creates Receptivity
Everyone is tired and stressed, let’s just start there. My two ‘go to’ remedies are “be kind” and “lower your expectations.” Having sex (any kind of sex) creates and releases endorphins that ignite warm and positive feelings that you carry with you throughout the day or help you sleep better at night; and sex will go a long way in helping reduce stress and fatigue.
Kindness is an aphrodisiac to a frazzled partner, so consider what mood you and your partner are in, in the moment. Then lower your expectations to that mood and begin your kindness. What I mean by that is, if they need to talk, let them talk. You’re not going to have the energy for earth-shattering sex all of the time, so consider that it’s okay to initiate sex with your partner in some sort of way and then finish yourself, if need be. The more this dynamic is a part of your sexual history with your lover, the more energy you’ll have. Just think, you may never have to say, “Not right now, I’m tired” again.
Talk About Everything
I saved the best for last, communication and understanding are the two biggest generators of a lasting love connection. You may not have all the time in the world to be chit chatting with your lover, so here are a few suggestions.
As early as possible in the relationship and as often as necessary, have a sit down with your partner and write out what you like and don’t like regarding sex. What if any, are your changing experiences in your mood or your body regarding sex? If your partner doesn’t know they can’t adjust to your changing needs. If you want to have sex more frequently, find ways of staying connected daily; little kindnesses like sweet text messages, notes left in a briefcase, or just plain picking up after yourself. Talk about heavy subjects in a room other than the bedroom and preferably fully clothed, it’s usually easier for everyone when you’re stripping down emotionally.
My philosophy is the more you have sex, the more you fall in love, no matter what stage your relationship is in. You may not always have those “in love” feelings, but you can always be loving and giving love always opens your heart to receiving it. So, decide what you want, be where you’re at, love yourself first and all the love in the Universe will flow your way.
“Sexual Wavelength: Finding Balance in Your Relationship” was originally published with MeetMindful. Republished with permission.
Photo: Getty Images