It’s time to get over the shame and stigma and talk about what men really face.
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Guys, we need to talk. This whole secretive thing where we don’t discuss issues affecting us has got to come to an end. How many more men must bear the shame and stigma before someone stands before the crowd and bravely proclaims, “Enough! This is happening and we need to admit it!” I’m tired of making excuses. I’m tired of pretending, of going on about my day like nothing has happened. I’m tired of spending a life shielding the mistakes I make and covering them up. You’ve all been there. You’ve all experienced it. Why aren’t any of you TALKING? I’m taking a stand.
The other day I wet my pants. I was sitting on the toilet with my pants around my ankles and STILL managed to miss. This wasn’t your normal “wake up in the morning and contort yourself so that you can bend it just enough to get below the upper rim of the toilet” urination. Nope. I carefully positioned myself so that I was pointing well into the bowl and went about my business. Yes, that means I was cruising Facebook and Twitter. Don’t pretend you don’t do it too. That’s when it happened. I didn’t expect it and I certainly didn’t want it.
Apparently I hadn’t taken into account testicular shift.
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Somehow, I managed to pee right between the tiny space between the toilet seat and the toilet itself. Right. Onto. My. Pants. It isn’t the first time, which is how I know to aim carefully. It moved though. Apparently I hadn’t taken into account testicular shift. By the time I’d realized it, my pants and drawers were soaked. It wasn’t one of those “it’s only a few drops” kind of deals. Nope. Full stream ahead. For the ladies reading this, I imagine the panic is akin to “oh my God my period started and I forgot to put extra pads in my purse.”
At least I wasn’t at work. I’ve done that before and it wasn’t fun. I’ve gone into the bathroom looking tidy with my shirt all tucked in only to come out shirt untucked and looking like someone stretched it into a mu-mu. Don’t look around like you’ve never done it. I know you have. I know you’ve also done the frantic “I hope a little toilet paper will at least dry it enough so I don’t chafe” rub. I can’t be the only one. Face down ass up in front of the hand dryer? Yup. I’ve done that one too.
It is a little ironic though isn’t it? We can stand over the toilet, take careful aim at Ohio only to hit Maine and Florida with the stream. Sit on the toilet, point directly at the water beneath us and somehow manage to fit a gusher in the eighth inch space left under the seat. It all seems unfair. I don’t remember the first time it happened, but I remember being horribly embarrassed.
We need to do a better job of preparing our kids for this kind of issue. We simply cannot go on hiding in the shadows, our darkened blue jeans shattering the pleasant quiet time we spend in restrooms around the world.
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Speaking of standing up to pee. Why isn’t there some way of letting us know when we’re done? Why am I risking wet undies every time I shake and put it away? Who hasn’t finished up, shaken, tucked and zipped only to realize you now have a soon to be cold wet spot forming? Have you looked in the mirror to be sure it didn’t seep through to the outside of your pants? I have. It’s a problem guys.
We need to do a better job of preparing our kids for this kind of issue. We simply cannot go on hiding in the shadows, our darkened blue jeans shattering the pleasant quiet time we spend in restrooms around the world. We need to protect our sons from our stigma. Prepare them, always stay on guard. Never get careless! All it takes is one time to gain a reputation, and nobody wants to be Prince Pee Pee Pants. No one.
By the way, I’m pretty sure toilet seats were developed by women. If men had designed them, they’d have a urine guard along the front to keep us dumb sunsabitches from pissing our pants while we’re not wearing them. I mean, honestly, how do you explain to someone that you wet yourself while you weren’t wearing any pants? We have guards to keep us from sticking our hands in the snow blower and we only use that a few times a year. On a bad day, you could use the shitter half a dozen times, but no warning and no guards? Maybe I’ll design a urine guard for the lid. Anybody have some venture capital funding they can lend me?
Editors Note: This post is, by design, a humorous take at an issue many men can identify with. The point behind it is that we should not allow everyday occurrences to be shameful. These things happen. Make them part of the conversation.
Also by Shawn Henfling
Inside The Prison Of My Mind | I Refuse To Babysit My Children | I Think Of Suicide Like You Think Of Changing Jobs | The Suicide Note I Never Left |
Photo Credit: frankieleon/flickr
Been there, done that but it was the middle of the night and yes, I was checking my email. I had no clue until I got up and pulled up …. wet! And it wouldn’t have been so bad had I not pulled them up which resulted in having to take a shower.
Another one? This is for the real hairy guys … when your pubes surround your pee hole … the urine manages to go in two or more different directions.