The concept of love and romance has changed over the centuries. Back in ancient Greece, I doubt that there was a dating culture similar to what we have now. Nonetheless, I think we can bring everything down to certain human core emotions like lust, craving, attachment or anger, that hasn’t changed.
Now, falling in love is a very intense experience. Our bodies produce chemicals that make us feel good and, at some point, the only person we can think about is the one we’re falling in love with.
It’s a chemical thing with the purpose of bonding and reproduction. That’s why after the so-called honeymoon phase, these intense feelings begin to wane until we stop seeing the other person through rose-tinted glasses. So it’s a temporary high.
After the high is gone, there’s often still a deep attachment. Is this attachment wrong in itself? I don’t think so. At some point, we can’t really help it, right? If it’s there, it’s there. But we can change the way we approach this attachment and this situation in which we are separated from the person we’re attached to? This is where the power of the rational mind comes in.
Even though we can’t just make the pain magically go away; what helps is changing certain wrong beliefs in order to accept the reality of the breakup, and find a sense of peace in it. I’d like to briefly discuss a few of these beliefs, and what the Stoics say about them.
I absolutely need that person to be happy
Firstly, you don’t. This attachment can manifest itself in clingy behavior and the belief that we need this particular person to be happy. The common answer to this problem is that “there’s plenty of fish in the sea”. This is, of course, true, which is already a reason why it’s insane to think that there’s only one person for you. But, this doesn’t really solve the problem.
Because no matter if there’s one, ten or a billion fish in the sea; the fish is still something external. So, theoretically, it’s still possible that we can’t obtain any of these fish, even if there’s plenty of them. It’s beyond our control.
If we suffer from a breakup because we believe that we need the other person to be happy, we make the mistake of thinking that our happiness depends on something external. This is where Stoicism and philosophies alike firmly disagrees with.
Virtue is the only thing we need to be happy. Moreover, living a virtuous life is completely in our control. Romance, a relationship, marriage and even having a family are all unnecessary for happiness and they’re also unreliable factors. The Stoics call these ‘preferred indifferents’. Preferred indifferents are nice to have but not mandatory for living a happy life.
I’m fully entitled to that person
Now, this is a belief or idea that evokes a lot of anger in people. It could be that we begin to see the other person as a possession or, at least, a factor in life that we are entitled to. This idea often goes hand in hand with jealousy, which is basically a fear of loss.
When this person decides to break up with us, we feel wronged and think that reason for the breakup is, in some way, unjust. In the case of divorce, we might especially feel wronged because our ex-spouse broke the promise of staying together until one of us dies. Also, when the breakup involves cheating, we feel betrayed.
Things like monogamy and sexual exclusivity haven’t always been the norm. These are mere concepts, applied in social structures and part of, for example, religious traditions. And because these concepts are part of our normative framework, of course, this feeds a sense of entitlement and fear of loss.
In today’s day and age with ever-increasing sexual freedom worldwide, dating apps and the decline of sacredness in regards to marriage, chances are high that relationships fall apart. Thus, breakups are more and more common and so is infidelity.
Stoic philosopher Epictetus had some wise words to say about how we should position ourselves towards losing the things we love. I quote:
“Never say of anything, ‘I have lost it’; but, ‘I have returned it.’ Is your child dead? It is returned. Is your wife dead? She is returned. Is your estate taken away? Well, and is not that likewise returned? ‘But he who took it away is a bad man.’ What difference is it to you who the giver assigns to take it back? While he gives it to you to possess, take care of it; but don’t view it as your own, just as travelers view a hotel.”
I’ll never get over them
The sheer excruciating pain that a breakup brings makes it seem almost impossible to get over it. But the cliché is really true: time heals the wounds. As Stoic philosopher and ancient Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius puts it:
Some things are rushing into existence, others out of it. Some of what now exists is already gone. Change and flux constantly remake the world, just as the incessant progression of time remakes eternity.
Now, the pain is something we can work with. Fighting it won’t help. Instead, it’s better to acknowledge that it’s there. Some people apply really bad coping mechanisms. But these are just quick fixes that won’t help in the long run.
From my own experience, ideally, dealing with the grief is a combination of active engagement with the world and moments in solitude to really sit with it. The latter is important; it’s the embrace of what is, and to simply endure the detachment phase which is a slow process that can take months or even years.
In order to learn more about how the Stoics looked at the immediate grief after an unfortunate event, we might want to turn to Seneca. Seneca was not just a Stoic philosopher; he was also a statesman who held a high powered position in the Roman Empire until he was charged with adultery with the emperor’s sister. He was exiled to Corsica. But anyway, he writes to his mother to console her because she mourned his absence. I quote:
I knew that I must not oppose your grief during its first transports, lest my very attempts at consolation might irritate it, and add fuel to it: for in diseases, also, there is nothing more hurtful than medicine applied too soon. I waited, therefore, until it exhausted itself by its own violence, and being weakened by time, so that it was able to bear remedies, would allow itself to be handled and touched.
Simply put: let the tears flow. Be human first. And when the initial shock wanes, let’s see if Stoic philosophy can be applied as a bandage to the open wound.
Remember there’s no shame in needing help
Don’t be ashamed of needing help. You have a duty to fulfill just like a soldier on the wall of battle. So what if you are injured and can’t climb up without another soldier’s help? — Marcus Aurelius
You weren’t born with all the tools you need to solve every problem in life. As a newborn, after all, you were completely and utterly helpless. Someone helped you then, and you came to understand that you can ask for help. It was how you knew with utmost certainty you were loved.
You still are, there are other soldiers, warriors, who have dealt with the same pain; who are ready to help you climb out of this. You can ask for help, you don’t need to face this on your own.
The obstacle is the way
“While it’s true that someone can impede our actions, they can’t impede our intentions and our attitudes, which have the power of being conditional and adaptable. For the mind adapts and converts any obstacle to its action into a means of achieving it. That which is an impediment to action is turned to advance action. The obstacle on the path becomes the way.” — Marcus Aurelius
The mind is infinitely elastic and adaptable. Through a breakup, you have the power to use the Stoic exercise of turning obstacles upside down, which takes one negative circumstance and uses it as an opportunity to practice an unintended virtue or form of excellence. For example:
If something prevents you from getting to your destination on time, then this is a chance to practice patience.
If an employee makes an expensive mistake, this is a chance to teach a valuable lesson.
If a computer glitch erases your work, it’s a chance to start over with a clean slate.
If someone hurts you, it’s a chance to practice forgiveness.
If something is hard, it is a chance to get stronger.
This is what the obstacle is the way means.
Try this line of thinking and see whether there is a situation in which one could not find some virtue to practice or derive some benefit. There isn’t one. Not even in the ending of a relationship you didn’t want to end. Every impediment can advance action in some form or another.
Thanks for reading
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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