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Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.
Welcome back to the Love Life Podcast with me, Matthew Hussey. Last week, I brought you an interview I did with Ed Mylett in preparation for my book launch this year. This week, I’m sharing an important conversation I had on the Know Thyself Podcast. I think you’re really going to enjoy this part of the discussion. Check it out, and I will speak to you at the end of the episode.
The Frameworks
One of the frameworks I really love in your book is the four levels of importance. Can you walk us through the significance of chemistry versus compatibility, and what you believe is ultimately the most important factor when choosing a life partner?
The reason I developed this model is that I kept seeing people valuing—or, I should say, overvaluing—the wrong things. When you overvalue the wrong things, you can find yourself in a world of pain. So, I felt we needed a new model for what’s worth our time, energy, and emotions.
Level One: Admiration
The first level in these four levels is admiration. There’s someone you’re aware of who you find impressive, charismatic, or attractive. There’s something you like about their energy or values, even if they may not know you exist. In the context of the four levels, this is not very important because there’s nothing substantial there—just an interest from the outside.
Level Two: Mutual Attraction
The second level is mutual attraction. This is where you feel connected to someone who reciprocates that attraction. There’s chemistry—something mutual between you. This can be superficial or deep, but it creates a feeling of engagement. This level feels really important because often we don’t meet anyone we like, and when we finally do, and they like us back, it feels like the Holy Grail—it feels like lightning in a bottle. However, this can lead us into trouble because we mistakenly think that level two is the most important.
Level Three: Commitment
Level three is commitment. This is when you not only have mutual attraction but also the willingness to commit to each other for a real relationship. Many people get hung up on someone with whom they share level two attraction but don’t have a commitment. They may say they aren’t ready or don’t want a relationship, often causing profound frustration.
You need a firm commitment—not just a connection or a feeling of possibility. You need a definitive “yes” from that person, indicating they want to be with you starting today.
Level Four: Compatibility
Level four is compatibility. This means that, beyond just saying yes to each other, you work well together. Your thinking aligns, perhaps not identically, but in ways that allow for a strong partnership.
We need compatibility. Love isn’t enough on its own. Consider a situation where you’re in love with someone who constantly lies—if you value honesty, you’ll likely be miserable. Or if your partner wants to travel constantly while you prefer stability, that’s a fundamental incompatibility.
It’s essential we start being honest with ourselves about what we truly value. I’ve been coaching people in their love lives for 17 years, and it’s staggering how many people are hung up on someone who isn’t even reciprocating. Many haven’t even moved beyond level two to figure out if compatibility exists.
If you reach level four with someone and then endure a tragedy, that’s a genuine loss. But if you’re preoccupied with someone who is just choosing not to be with you, that’s a different story. We need to tell ourselves better love stories because it’s incredibly unfulfilling to wait indefinitely for someone who doesn’t choose us.
Commitment and the Biological Clock
I want to touch briefly on the commitment piece, especially for women who may feel pressure due to their biological clock. This is often compounded by the spaciousness that some men feel as they age.
One of the biggest challenges is when one person wants a family and the other is uncertain. This is often acceptable in your 20s, but as viable years for having children begin to dwindle, it’s crucial to be with someone who shares that timeline with you.
You have to know what’s really important to you. If you haven’t had that internal conversation, you might overlook key issues when someone attractive comes along. Emotional maturity also plays a big role here, and it’s important for both partners to engage in meaningful discussions about their goals.
We don’t get our time back. If you stay in a relationship past the point of no return, you risk losing out on your fundamental goals. People may ultimately feel resentment toward the partner who wasted their time, but they also may resent themselves for not sticking to what they know they need.
Grief and Moving On
There is always a grieving process after a relationship ends, whether it was what you wanted or not. As my friend David Kessler, an expert on grief, says, “Grief is a result of what you didn’t want.” Understanding that can help you separate the grieving of your lost relationship from the disappointment of an unfulfilled vision for your future.
Allow yourself to feel sadness. Express it to friends and talk about how you thought that person was the one. Embracing that disappointment is crucial, but remember, the story you are living right now is just one chapter. There are many more stories yet to unfold in your life.
Life is unpredictable, and often the most beautiful connections come from unexpected places. We often think we have our lives figured out, but new people will come into our lives when we least expect it, just as new opportunities can arise in love, work, or friendship.
Closing Thoughts
Stay open to the future. If you’re still breathing, there are countless stories waiting to be lived. This is just one part of your narrative, not the entirety.
Thank you for listening to the Love Life Podcast. If you have any questions or feedback, feel free to reach out. Don’t forget to check out my free training, “Dating with Results,” and I’ll speak to you in the next episode!
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
Blog → https://www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/ Facebook → https://facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/thematthewh… Twitter → https://twitter.com/matthewhussey ▼ Connect with Stephen ▼ Youtube → https://bit.ly/StephenHusseyYoutube Instagram → http://bit.ly/StephenHusseyIG
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