The Trad Wife Trend Is a Facade and Men Are Regretting It

A few years ago, I owned my first brick and mortar business in California. Business ownership was the most incredible experience. I stretched and grew as a human. And as any business owner will tell you, being stretched was painful.

I was the only minority female business owner in my area. The only peers around for support were white men. I was determined to get in with this group of white male business owners and it proved to be no easy task. I was relentless in my pursuit of opportunities to connect with these men. I got everyone’s phone numbers and would communicate regularly. I offered support and reached out with my own questions. I made it known that I wanted to be apart of this peer group and that I was appreciative of the opportunity. These men got to know me over time and I believe admired my tenacity.

One evening, I was invited to happy hour drinks with the guys. Finally! I was invited into their inner circle. I felt unstoppable after breaking into what felt like the unpenetrable- a white male business owner’s circle of trust.

I show up to the bar and spot everyone at a long rectangular table in the back. I grab a seat next to the sea of golf polos and full draft beers lined up along the table. I order a glass of wine and settle in, albeit a bit nervous to actually be with all six of these men at once in this type of setting. Would they ignore me? Will I have to make a huge effort to be heard with this group?

It started out easy! They were all friendly and inclusive. We vented about new local policies, staffing issues, the future of our industry. After the first round of drinks, one of the men brought up his wife. It was clear he had done so before. He turns and looks me right in the eye and says laughingly, “This is the part where we talk shit about our wives and you can’t snitch on us, ok?” Slightly horrified while also amused, I gave him a little nod and half smile. I thought to myself, Oh my god, how uncomfortable is this going to get for me?

He goes on to say “Yesterday, I got home after working twelve hours and my wife was out with the girls again. The kids are ten and eight now and I really want her to go back to work and help out.” Another in the group chimes in, “Agreed. Things are so expensive now. I would love to be able to tell her she can continue to stay at home, but things are just becoming harder and harder to pay for.” Each man chimes in with their own version of this struggle. Another says, “I would love to explore leaving my business and pursing something new because I’m really unhappy, but I can’t do that without another income to fall back on.” All six of these men had wives that did not work outside the home.

At this point, I am shook. I was not expecting this level of openness and vulnerability from the men. As they are talking, I notice a few stop to side eye me as if they are searching my face for a reaction. I quickly decide that rather than contribute in that moment, I would only listen. An image of myself as a tiger hiding under blades of grass in a field of prey came to mind. If I moved or breathed too loud, they would scatter. I had to stay perfectly still to preserve the authenticity of the moment.

They continue to dive into their issues. Another says “If I had a two income household, we would be able to upgrade our house and have more room for the kids as they are growing up. I would love if she went back to work, even just part time.” Yet another replies, “Yes! I asked my wife if she would consider even part time work with our eleven year old in school everyday. I showed her spreadsheets so she could see how much it would help out financially, but she just thinks I don’t understand how much she does at the house. I don’t get it! We could get a housekeeper. That’s an easy trade off!”

For the next hour, these men took turns sharing the challenges around not having a financial teammate in the home. I was deep in thought as I sat sipping my wine, continuing to be in awe that I was allowed to bare witness to this conversation. A few questions were running through my mind at this time.

Did they not talk about this before marriage?

Were these men so keen at the idea of a sweet wife in an apron baking pies at home, they naively thought being the sole income provider in today’s world would be easy? Did they not have conversations about expectations and who would be contributing what? This is challenging though, because even if they did talk about it, things can evolve and ideas can change in real time.

Are the men ignoring the invisible mental load their wives are taking on?

If you aren’t familar with the invisible mental load, get familiar! In straight dynamics, women tend to take on the role of emotional leader and family planner. So, while men might have gotten better at helping out in the home, it is often directed by the woman who is constantly taking stock of what needs to be done. Her brain is constantly firing while he is merely following her direction.

Are some women taking advantage of their hard-working, capable husbands?

Did these women see an opportunity with a man who wanted to provide to fill that “trad wife” role? Are they continuing to take advantage of this fact even after the kids are in school full time or even after promising to look for work because they know he will continue to support them financially, regardless?

Regardless of which of these categories these men fall into, I can’t help but feel some empathy for their situation. Many people have created idealized versions of their relationships, only to find the fantasy does not translate to reality. Personally, I’ve found a sense of freedom and peace in more equitable relationships. Knowing that there is that financial safety net from a partner has been a standard for me. It’s allowed me to be able to give my man the gift of being able to take time off or switch paths and explore in his career and vice versa.

There is nothing wrong with traditional gender roles, if you can mutually agree upon it and make it work for your family. But maybe, for the vast majority, the trad wife movement is actually a trap for men.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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