The Unholy Trinity of Dating Disasters

It’s no secret that Mr. Wrong can look like Mr. Right. In fact, there’s a lot that can go wrong in the dating realm.

Outside of some lesser evils like your date perpetually smelling like old tacos, there is an unholy trinity of dating disasters to look out for: love-bombing, gaslighting, and catfishing.

I’ve encountered all three in the dating wilds and they suck. But the good news is that it’s possible to spot them early.

Love-Bombing — aka “It was love at first sight!”

Jay and I had been dating for less than a week when a dozen red roses were delivered to my workplace. Less than a week, folks! Really let that sink in.

With them was a note, “I’m so happy you’re in my life. It was love at first sight! — Jay”

“Oh my god! Malinda! He must really like you. Paul doesn’t even send me flowers at work,” Jessica, my manager, pouted.

She was jealous for no reason. Jay, it turned out, was a stereotypical love-bomber.

What is it?

Love-bombing is when you’re showered with excessive and over-the-top affection as a manipulation tactic.

Basically, you’re bombed with “love” or actions that present as love. The bomber does this in order to get you to develop feelings for them. And once you fall into that trap? Then they turn the tables and let loose their real colors, which usually suck.

The problem? You’re more likely to forgive their shitty personality because you “love” them. And that’s how they win.

Are you being love-bombed? Ask yourself…

• Did they tell you they love you soon after meeting you?
• Did they shower you with excessive presents and praise that doesn’t match how long you’ve known each other?
• Do they claim it was “love at first sight?” (Bleh!)
• Do they engage in over-the-top, grand gestures?
• Are they showy and trying to impress you and everyone around you? (After all, the love-bomber wants to convince your family and friends that they love you…it makes the web stickier.)
• Do they try to control you?

Gaslighting — aka “You’re crazy.”

“You’re crazy. I wasn’t even mad,” Trevor said, dismissively.

The fight last night had been intense. We’d both yelled. Trevor broke the TV remote. But still, I paused. Had I imagined that anger?

“…But you threw the TV remote. It broke. How is that not mad?” I finally insisted.

That was a mistake.

Trevor rolled his eyes and corrected me, “I was a little annoyed, alright? But I wasn’t mad. That thing’s flimsy. Why are you trying to blow this out of proportion?”

Apparently, I was imagining things and starting fights. Again. But as I nearly tripped on a piece of the broken remote a few hours later, I realized…maybe I wasn’t?

What is it?

Gaslighting is when someone tries to gain power over you by making you question your reality.

No, they’re not going to try to convince you the sky is green. But they will slowly make you question your perception of the world through a web of lies. They’ll snap at you about dinner, then later say they were never angry…Had you imagined it?

The problem? Gaslighting makes you more susceptible to abuse of all kinds. After all, you’re not going to leave someone if you’re the problem, right?

Are you being gaslit? Ask yourself…

• Do they dismiss your feelings when you bring up issues?
• Do they tell you you’re crazy when you’re mad?
• Do they claim they were not mad, angry, ignoring you, etc. when you feel like they were?
• Do they tell people you’re a liar?
• Do their actions match their words?
• Do they deny they said/did something…and you have proof?

Catfishing — aka “I’m too busy to meet up.”

It was two hours until I was supposed to meet with Bob. I was excited! He was funny, sweet, and we both liked Harry Potter. It was the perfect situation for romance.

“Hey, I’m too busy to meet up. I’m sorry. You know how being a manager is.”

The text made my heart sink.

This happened many times after that first let down, and then one day, Bob pushed it a little further while he was away on a trip.

“Hey baby, I’m out of funds and I’m having a problem with my bank. Can you send me some money? I’ll pay you back when I’m home.”

That was what made me question Bob’s existence. Was the cute photo on his profile his? Was he actually a manager? Did he even like Harry Potter? Was he catfishing me?

What is it?

Catfishing is when someone pretends to be someone else online in order to form a relationship with you.

Catfishing can be scary. Until you meet someone in person, you never really know who you’re talking to. Dating apps like Tinder and online dating profiles are on the rise, which is the perfect breeding ground for catfish.

Are you talking to a cute 24-year-old guy? Or a creepy 62-year-old man pretending to be a cute 24-year-old guy?

Are you being catfished? Ask yourself…

• Do they never want to FaceTime or video chat with you?
• If they do video chat, are they showing their face? (Show your face, you dirty catfishers!)
• Do they make excuses for why they can’t meet in person even though you made plans to do so?
• Do they have only a few friends on their social media or is their account new?
• Do they “travel” a lot for work?
• Do they ask for money?

Once you spot it, get out!

If you answered yes to most of those questions, bad news. You’re likely being love-bombed, gaslit, or catfished.

But all hope is not lost. Knowledge is power. And if you suspect you’re a victim of one or more of the unholy trinity, you have the power to get out now.

Don’t wait until the love-bomber’s web is tight around you. Don’t wait until you go crazy from gaslighting. And don’t wait until your hot internet boyfriend “Bob” is “stranded” and asking you for money.

Love takes time. You’re not crazy. And there’s plenty of fish in the sea. Go catch a real one.