“Real man” definitions perpetuate cookie-cutter masculinity because an “evolved” mold is still a mold. It doesn’t matter if you fit in the man box, you are still a man.
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Every week I see another list or article titled something like “How To Know If You’re Dating A Real Man.”
Or I hear a woman on a talk show complaining that she just wants to date a “real man.”
Well, the sobering truth is that he doesn’t exist.
I have no problem with the traits that these lists often describe.
Strong.
A sense of purpose.
Loving.
Emotionally aware.
Patient listener.
Great communicator.
Respectful.
Chivalrous.
And then there are the more stereotypical traits.
Tattoos.
Big biceps.
Tall.
Loves football.
Big beards.
Drinks beer.
Does ju-jitsu.
Drives a fancy car.
The cowboy.
The quarterback.
But having any of the above traits doesn’t make them inherently more real than, or superior to, other men.
It simply means they are a man possessing those traits.
While perhaps well-intentioned, using the term “real man” implies that a man who is doing or being the opposite of those traits is somehow a “fake man.” An imposter. A fraud. It allows space for a sense of shame, comparison and inferiority.
Who are those “real man” articles for, anyhow? The guy who only has six out the 10 traits? If so, then he probably won’t feel better about himself after reading how he’s lacking four qualities, causing him to show up as a fraud.
Or is it written for the guy who is ten out of ten? If so, then I doubt he would even read an article like that.
Inherent in these “real man” definitions is the perpetuation of a cookie-cutter mold of masculinity. Even a “conscious” or “evolved” cookie-cutter mold is still a mold.
The David Deida version of a real man will be different than the Oprah Magazine definition, which will be different than the Elite Daily definition.
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And it’s completely subjective, depending on who is doing the defining. The David Deida version of a real man will be different than the Oprah Magazine definition, which will be different than the Elite Daily definition.
I know, because most of my life I’ve exhausted myself trying to fit into those molds. Working out so I could get more buff.
Hiding my emotions and tears because “men don’t do that.”
Checking out women’s bodies and objectifying them because that’s what macho guys do.
…that insecurity is what drove me to read articles and books to see if I was making any progress on becoming a “real man”
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The underlying drive for all of my posturing was a sense of shame and resistance about who I am. And that insecurity is what drove me to read articles and books to see if I was making any progress on becoming a “real man.” For what? So finally other guys would give me a bro hug, welcoming me into some secret global fraternity? Or so women everywhere would wink at me, lick their lips and send me their numbers on a cocktail napkin?
What is the archetypal man, anyhow?
Is Russell Brand more of a man than The Rock?
Is Tom Brady more of a man than Prince?
Is James Bond more of a man than Mr. Big?
Is the personal trainer more of a man than the computer programmer?
Is the sales executive more of a man than the stay-at-home dad?
I’m sure you’ll have your own reactions to those pairings. And I celebrate the wide and ever-evolving spectrum of masculinity.
But the truth is you are a man if you say you are. What kind of man you are is up for debate.
What makes a good father? Boyfriend? Husband? Son? Citizen?
What makes a conscious man? Loving man? Influential man? Successful man?
Those are great questions.
But to debate if a man is “real” or not? Really?
That’s like writing an article called “How To Know If Your Dog Is A Real Dog.”
Or “How To Know If Your Baby Is A Real Baby.”
The work I do with my coaching clients is to undo the cultural patterns, pressures and expectations that men endure. We stop buying into the debate of whether they are a “real” man or not. We end checking how they stack up to the stereotypes of “real men” we see in movies, on TV, or billboards.
Then, like Michelangelo carving David from a block of stone, we both discover and create the amazing man they already are.
Rather than fueling the debate of who is a real man, let’s invite a dialogue that is shame and judgment free.
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This is less about word choice and more about shifting the frame of the conversation. Rather than fueling the debate of who is a real man, let’s invite a dialogue that is shame and judgment free. One that acknowledges the strength, individuality and beauty of each man while allowing the reality that every man (and woman) has room for growth. Not because he has to satisfy a cultural checklist, but because he has his own list of values.
If you are a man reading this, just know that you are very real.
The only thing I care about is: Are you embracing and expressing the unique flavor of your own masculinity?
That’s the real question.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
It is shocking when men and women complain about lack of real men in any modern society, when there are many other problems concerning men. Men are over represented in crimes, violence and wars. We need to be concerned about these issues instead of teaching manliness to someone who is minding his own business.
No real man would define himself based on a woman’s idea of a “real man.” All that is a women’s wish list. Every man has to decide for himself what kind of man he wants to be and don’t worry about what women think or want. Manliness is not about going around kissing women’s asses or chest thumping…it is more like moments in your life when you can say you felt manly and strong. Any man can point to something he did where he felt like a man…that is what it is all about!
There are john. One is purely biological, the 2nd social convention called marriage. I guess the 3rd one is biological too-child bearing. But you’re right, men’s initiations are all based on doing.
Ever since we stripped away tribal initiation men have been looking at each other shrugging their shoulders, thinking – “Am I a real man yet?” So we surround ourselves with signifiers of real-manhood – cars, careers and collections of stuff.
But a real man is not the strong silent type who cannot express himself. The real man is not a diligent collector who defines himself by the things he owns or maintains. The real man is something deeper and you can just see it in the clarity, composure and togetherness that comes with being a real man.
Thanks,
Bren
so I guess there *is* such a thing as a real man, after all…
What happened to the guys flunking their tribal initiation?
Would Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking had been able to go out and kill an animal with their bare hands, or are they to be viewed as Not Real Men by any arbitrary standard?
That’s only because of the idea that there is no inherent value in being a man. Your value is in the things you do and accomplish. Why are there no womanhood rituals for women?
I agree with all of you above. Like tristan, i am striving to be a better petson, women can be included just fine here. I’m striving to be a real human. But i do disagree AEG. My experience when a woman says she wants a real man she is referring to all of the superficial traits that Jeff listed. Not those also listed by tristan for sure. And thats when i lose ALL INTEREST in her to further intetact with her as a human because she just showed how sjallow she really is.
I can totally respect that. I wouldn’t maintain any interest in a shallow person either! I didn’t include my quip about how I’ve seen the term “real man” used by women because I thought it was the ONLY way it has been used. It certainly isn’t. I just think that it’s one way that I’ve often seen it used, and that it is a nuance of meaning that could easily be overlooked. Regardless, if what a woman means is a “mature man” or a “kind man” or a “responsible man” – whatever it is she is trying to communicate –… Read more »
In fact, thinking about this a bit more…I can see why men would be more familiar with this term in a deliberately negative connotation. Because a man would be more likely to hear it from a woman when she was flinging it as an insult “You loser, man up” sort of speech. Whereas, I, as a woman, hear it more often in the context of what a woman is longing to find in a partner.
I totally disagree with your comments. Yes, there is a real man. A man who can protect his woman and his family, who is confident in himself, and can go out into the world and prove himself in whatever skill he is capable. The rest is crap.
Tommy
And cannot a woman protect her family, tommy? If she is better than her man at it then is he not a real man? I’m seriously hearing stereotypes in your comment tommy.
I’ve never been the type to use the “real man” verbiage, so I appreciate the well-made points you’ve outlined here. Especially encouraging people to think about what qualities make a man more appealing to them personally – as a partner, friend, coworker, father, etc. And as Tristan commented above, I think the idea of a “better person” is really the more powerful concept behind the words “real man” or “real woman.” But I can say this: when I have heard women use the term “real man” is has generally been less about real vs. fake, and more about man vs.… Read more »
When I’ve heard women talk about “real men” it’s usually in the context of trying to get a man to pay for something or do something for her or place himself at risk, which she wouldn’t accept for herself.
I agree with just dropping this “real man” bit. In the vast majority of uses its being used to tell men how they should be acting aka “Conform to MY idea of masculinity or else you wont be considered a real man.”
I agree, Danny. There’s nothing wrong with any particular viewpoint, for me it’s more a matter of does it serve the men who we are trying to step into a bigger version of themselves, or does it just keep them stuck in shame? Or is it to embolden the ego of the guy who is saying it?
I’d like to start off by saying that I never liked the term “real men”. It implies that you have to meet a prerequisite in order to be a man. Fill out the checklist, compete with the other males, strive for the perfection that no man is capable of. Meanwhile your being graded? Replaced? I do agree that possessing certain traits doesn’t make anyone any more or less of a man. I have disagree with your point about having certain traits not making you superior to other men. No person is created equal and while we all have our flaws… Read more »
Thanks, Tristan. Yes, traits of a good human go both ways. And that list of good traits was not a definitive one. It’s a reflection of what I’d seen recently. There are definitely many to choose from. And I’m actually not a big fan of those “lists” articles, despite having written some myself.
Thats the key, Jeff. Carving out and knowing your unique flavor of being a man. Not somebody’s cliché. I like your point of telling if your dog is a “real” dog. Every dog has their own unique flavor of being a dog so why not humans? I like that analogy so much i’m incorporating that into my blog responses when i see this real man nonsense show up. Thanks so much for that!
Thanks, Mark. Yeah, it’s a funny and ridiculous analogy when switching the subject.