Finding someone with whom you want to live the rest of your life is difficult. There are a few fortunate people that stumbled across their person early on in life. Still, for many of us, our relationship history has been littered with heartbreak, emotional pain and uncertainty. And we have spent a lot of time in relationships that didn’t work out.
This has left us with insecurities and set limiting beliefs and expectations that keep us from finding the long-term, healthy relationship we crave.
We think that all we want is to love and be loved and question why that is so hard. Especially when we know some fortunate people that seem to have had love handed to them.
However, we actually want or expect much more than just love, which is where the problem lies. Our expectations often encourage unsuccessful, unhealthy relationships and will continue to do so until we change them.
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#1: Being in a relationship will fix everything.
Expecting someone you meet to fill all your voids is setting yourself up for a relationship based on need, not want.
Yes, a loving relationship helps you to feel happy, wanted, important, sexy, and attractive. However, if you fail to believe these things about yourself outside of the relationship, you are putting a lot of pressure on that person and letting them control your self-esteem and self-confidence.
If you see yourself as unattractive, unwanted and unimportant, you will keep finding ways to prove this, even if you are with someone who worships the ground you walk on. Nothing they do will be good enough for long enough because you will always notice trivial things that prove your limiting beliefs about yourself.
There’s only one person who can fill your voids — you.
#2: I can fix their problems and issues.
Similar to the above, getting involved in a relationship with someone you see as needing fixing sets you up for a need-based relationship.
The best way for anyone to fix their internal issues is to go inside and sort it out for themselves. As their partner, you can offer support and encouragement, but you can’t do it for them.
If you overlook their issues or justify undesirable behaviour because of their past experiences, you are putting their needs before your own, and this is not a foundation for a healthy relationship. You will become resentful and open yourself up to being taken advantage of.
We all have baggage and should treat others with compassion. However, a healthy, long-term relationship offers support rather than providing and executing solutions.
#3: They must meet all my requirements (my type on paper).
We are right to expect certain behaviours, morals and values from our potential “one”, but if you have a list as long as your arm with irrelevant requirements such as their job title, income, material possessions, and 10-year plan, you are automatically dismissing many potential long-termers.
Physical attraction is important, but long-term attraction comes from much more than looks and build. It comes from confidence, humour, intelligence, creativity, banter, shared likes, values and morals. How will you discover any of that if you are swiping left because their teeth are crooked or they haven’t got the right coloured hair or a great butt?
#4: We should do everything together.
When we first meet someone, they fill our heads, hearts and groins. We can’t stop thinking about them, and we want to be with them all the time because of the powerful feelings they produce.
This doesn’t mean you should be spending every waking moment together, and it also doesn’t mean that they are not that into you if they are spending time doing other things.
A healthy relationship includes time spent apart, pursuing individual interests, seeing separate friends and focusing on personal growth.
As a couple, you don’t have to turn up everywhere together. A couple is made up of two individuals; sometimes, you want to do different things.
If you don’t want to go somewhere, you don’t have to, but don’t stop them from going if they really want to. It works the other way too. They may not want to go to that party you are so excited about, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go either.
Compromise within a relationship is required, but sometimes, it’s unnecessary because you can do what you want separately and come back together afterwards with stories to share.
Spending time apart gives you space to appreciate what you have got together.
#5: I should always come first.
You should be made to feel important, and time together should be a priority. However, we all have a variety of relationships with other people, including our relationship with ourselves. All these relationships need nurturing, and each has its time and place.
A healthy balance includes prioritising time together, making each other feel wanted and important, and respecting each other’s separate relationships, commitments, and responsibilities.
This works both ways. If you believe that your partner should always come before everyone else, you are building an unequal relationship that will result in you losing sight of yourself.
I am very important in my husband’s life, and my happiness is one of his priorities, BUT I am not the only person who deserves his undivided attention.
#6: Love hurts.
Long-term, loving relationships take work. They involve compromise, understanding and compassion. They require effort. They do not hurt.
Past relationships in which you have been hurt have left you fearful and protective of your heart. If you believe love hurts, you will end up in one of two situations.
You will hold yourself back from meeting anyone or getting serious with someone, or you will romanticise the hurt and pain someone is causing by seeing it as “love”.
Your past relationships do not represent all relationships. Long-term, healthy relationships do not last because of the hurt each person causes. They last because of the love, respect and attention each person gives and receives.
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So what should we be expecting when looking for and embarking on a long-term, healthy relationship?
Photo by Shingi Rice on Unsplash
- Respect.
- Lack of doubt and uncertainty (no mind games).
- Good communication.
- Openness and honesty.
- Attraction, on more than just a physical level.
- Being made to feel loved and cared for.
- Attention.
- Effort.
- Understanding.
- Joint and individual ventures.
- Shared morals and values.
- Fun and laughter.
This type of relationship does exist — you’ve just got to start believing to see it.
How do you start believing it?
You find the love, respect and attention you crave from within yourself, drop the unhealthy expectations and realise that love comes packaged in many weird and wonderful ways.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Anthony Tran on Unsplash