“Things Were Going Well... Then He Ended It Suddenly”

Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.

The Risks of Love

Part of the risk of putting yourself out there in love is that three months from now, someone may change their mind. Similarly, in a long-term relationship, ten years from now, someone might also decide they want something different.

Welcome back to the Love Life Podcast with me, Matthew Hussey, and my wife, Audrey Hussey. Today, we’re going to answer a listener question sent to [email protected].

Before we dive in, I have some housekeeping to share. Firstly, I have a brand-new free guide available for download called **Spark and Connect**. We used to offer a variety of these practical guides a few years ago, and they were immensely popular. This latest one provides nine effective ways to spark a conversation and create a connection with someone you’d like to speak to.

Many people are feeling burned out by dating apps and online conversations. The tips in this guide can be applied both in that context and in real-life interactions. If you want to create more options for your love life, visit whattoaynext.com to download the guide for free.

We also have a retreat coming up in September, from the 9th to the 14th. There are only a few spots left for this six-day immersive coaching program with me, my team, Audrey, and my family. You can go to mhretreat.com to secure one of the final spaces. Time is running out!

Listener Question

Alright, let’s get to our listener question. Audrey, would you like to read it?

Audrey: Yes! This question came in from Charlotte. Thank you so much for writing in, Charlotte. She says:

“I am emailing you from a place of pain at the moment. I am feeling complete burnout from the dating scene. I am aware that you say to keep emails brief, so I won’t go into heavy details at this point. However, I have found myself yet again in a disappointing situation and am deeply hurt. Someone I was recently seeing gave me massive hope for the first time in a long while. Their actions matched their words, and I saw deep care.

However, this person has since flicked a switch and told me they aren’t ready for a relationship, ending things between us. He has given many conflicting messages, but when I asked for clarity, he said it has nothing to do with me. I was the first person who made him feel something, but he simply is not ready.

I find these messages deeply confusing, and I am shocked by the change. Worst of all, I feel once again that I am not good enough. I also struggle with how someone can change their mind so quickly. Does he not miss what we had? Were his intentions ever pure? This happened a week after we slept together. Surely, if I meant anything to him, it would be worth the risk. It was never given a proper chance. Did he ever even like me?

You can probably tell I’m spiraling here. I’ve painted him golden in my mind due to how he was, and I know I need to reframe this, but I am massively struggling.”

Understanding Your Pain

Charlotte, thank you for sharing your vulnerability. I understand that feeling of wanting to find love, losing hope, and then suddenly experiencing a spark that feels promising. It’s natural to feel elated when someone represents that hope, especially after a period of disappointment.

However, we have to be conscious of our feelings when entering a dating situation. If we’re approaching it from a place of desperation or urgency—feeling like we want to meet someone now or yesterday—we can put ourselves in a precarious position.

There’s a quote I came across recently: “Don’t be in haste; when you are in a hurry, you are more easily conned or manipulated.” This resonates with many people in their love lives because feeling rushed can make us susceptible to others who may not have clear intentions.

The Human Psyche in Dating

Not every situation, like the one Charlotte described, is indicative of a “love bomber.” Many of us can jump to conclusions, labeling someone as manipulative or insincere when they may simply be overwhelmed by their own emotions.

Think of it like a job interview—when someone is trying to impress you, they might say all the right things, expressing a commitment to work hard and stay long-term. They might genuinely mean it in that moment, but as time passes, feelings can shift.

It’s important to acknowledge that people can get swept away in their emotions, and they might not fully understand what they want right away. This doesn’t excuse poor behavior, but it does provide insight into human psychology.

The Dangers of Over-Promising

As we grow older and wiser, it’s crucial to avoid the trap of over-promising. Many people navigate life by making grand promises but fail to deliver on them. The danger is that, in the beginning of any relationship, we cannot discern if someone will under-promise and over-deliver or if they will do the opposite.

Some might wonder how to trust anyone in dating when it seems like it’s all just words. While you can’t guarantee that what someone says is true, it’s essential to remain open without becoming cynical. If you approach dating with skepticism, you risk missing out on genuine connections.

Energy Management in Dating

How do you stay hopeful while managing your energy? It’s essential to avoid burnout, as much of dating and finding love revolves around energy management.

We’ll be right back with the episode, but first, if you relate to Charlotte’s frustrations, I have something that can help you make genuine progress this year toward a real relationship. It’s called **Dating with Results**, one of my most popular masterclasses, and it’s free!

Go to datingwithresults.com to watch this training, which is about dating with purpose, setting real boundaries, and creating momentum when you meet someone you like.

The Hiring Analogy

Let’s return to the hiring analogy. When you hire someone for an important job based solely on a great interview, you might feel a strong connection after one celebratory outing. However, you still lack evidence that they can perform the job.

When you invest emotionally too quickly, it can create an artificial sense of closeness. You might feel bonded, but that doesn’t mean you’ve gathered enough information to assess their capabilities long-term.

As we navigate love and dating, it’s vital to balance hope with a realistic understanding of human nature. Each experience shapes our journey, guiding us toward the love we truly seek.

I think most people, especially those who have worked in cities like New York and London, have had work drinks with someone and ended up feeling closer as a result. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re friends now. It just means you both said more than you normally do because you had a few pints. This can create an artificial sense of loyalty or companionship.

In this example, going out for a drink can feel like the beginning of a close bond. It’s similar to going on a weekend trip with someone early in the dating process. You may connect deeply during that trip and feel it’s special. But in reality, you still don’t know the true depth of the relationship.

You and I have been on trips where you meet people for the first time and share amazing moments. You come back thinking, “We’re all friends!” But that’s not a reliable indicator of whether those connections will last six months from now, or if that person will be someone you can call when you’re in trouble.

Considering Charlotte’s Situation

I’m thinking about Charlotte and her feelings. She likes this guy, and from her question, it sounds like they’re in the first month or two of dating, probably seeing each other regularly. They haven’t discussed exclusivity, so there’s a lot of uncertainty.

What you said earlier is practical: set a sort of goalpost. Up until three months, you can decide not to think about this person too seriously. But even if she does that, it doesn’t prevent disappointment. It’s common for people to feel let down, especially if it’s happened multiple times before.

For Charlotte, how can she protect herself in the future? How can she temper her excitement and investment in this person when there’s no security around whether he’ll be around tomorrow? You can’t hold everything back, nor should you. No real connection can form if you’re walling off your emotions.

When in a trial period with someone, it’s possible to show your best self. However, you shouldn’t invest more than you’re willing to lose. In those early months, it’s tempting to move quickly and make bold decisions. But we have to be cautious.

Measuring Actions, Not Feelings

This doesn’t mean you should measure your feelings; it means you should measure your actions. You can express that you like someone and are enjoying your time together without overcommitting. Let things flow naturally, but be mindful of how much you give.

If someone suggests taking a trip together too soon, consider whether that’s a wise decision.

It’s essential to keep your feet on the ground while maintaining your own life outside of the relationship. If you don’t, and that person pulls away, you could be left with a void.

We should approach new relationships as something unproven and avoid getting too excited prematurely. It’s about allowing time for character to reveal itself. Early excitement can easily fade once life returns to normal, leaving one party feeling neglected.

Finding Joy in the Journey

You can’t control every outcome in love. There will always be a risk that someone might change their mind after three months or even years down the line. Every positive experience can have an equally negative counterpart.

If you’re married for ten years, the pain of that ending will be intense, but you’ll also have experienced ten years of love.

We must accept that with every connection, there’s a chance of disappointment. However, being a romantic is vital in finding love; you need to believe in its possibility.

Embracing the Risks

The truth is, shutting down your capacity to love limits part of who you are. Just as rejecting creativity stifles your artistic side, shutting down love can diminish your emotional experience.

So, thank you, Charlotte, for your question. It’s normal to feel hurt in the moment, but in a few months, it will likely just be a memory. What feels overwhelming now will fade. Remember, a big part of your loss is the rush to connect, not necessarily the significance of the person.

If you want to share your challenges or stories, reach out to us at the podcast. We appreciate all your messages and insights.

Thank you for listening, and we hope to see you in the next episode. Remember to love life!

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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