This Is How I Lost Happiness in My Life

We are all connected with unseen bindings of the relations holding us tightly for our lives. We look forward to our immediate families giving us strength and happiness when we are in need. Family is one of the most valuable, if not the most valuable thing in our lives. We appreciate our loved ones every day for all that they do to help us.

I was 25 in the year 2010 when I was married. I was young enough to see the positive picture in every adverse condition. I was surrounded by relatives and family all around, and life was peaceful.

We were in a joint family so, life affairs were easy for me, as I didn’t have to bother about managing multiple things around our family.

Later that year, we were expecting our first baby. We were thrilled and joyful about becoming to be parents. It was quite a cherishable feeling for us like any other young couple. We used to plan about upcoming days and our lives after becoming parents. We talked about family and shared our dreams. It was a great feeling all around us throughout those days.

We were still a couple of months from the delivery and, everything was as usual. Then came the one dark evening in December when she felt a pain, which kept persistent for a while. We contacted our doctor for the review. She examined her in the clinic and opined that there were few complications. And she has no choice but to operate to deliver the baby.

We were shocked by this development. We made few calls for suggestions but, we couldn’t find reasons to resist the doctor’s advice. We agreed to the procedure and allowed the doctor to go ahead. It was getting dark and cold outside.

It was where things got complicated, and after an hour in the operation theatre, the doctor came out with the news that the operation went fine. She delivered a baby boy. I was happy to hear it, yet curious, as I knew we were a couple of months ahead of the delivery.

The doctor described the situation that baby is pre-mature and needs urgent medical attention. She further conveyed that they don’t have the facility to keep such a pre-mature baby. She recommended taking the baby to the nearest city, which was around 70 miles away. It was 10 pm on that cold night. I was feeling chills due to the developing situation.

I sent my brother and mother with the baby and, I stayed back with the wife at the hospital.

They reached the hospital in an hour. But, there wasn’t enough space available for the baby to be put into the incubator. Doctors treated him with the resources they had to keep him going.

The next morning, they advised taking the baby to another city that had better resources available.

They set off to reach another hospital 200 miles away. The baby fought bravely to reach the destination. But only to be pronounced dead once they found the doctors.

I heard this news in the hospital, and I still remember the moment like it happened just now.

It was a tragic moment in my life and, I had to face my wife who didn’t know about the situation. Our plans shattered, our dreams fell apart.

I feel myself down and out since then. I’ve been visiting psychologists and psychiatrists. My blood pressure levels are not healthy and, my heartbeat is fast. I’m obese and don’t have the energy to go for exercise or walk in the park.
I don’t have the confidence and, I fear visiting the doctors and the hospitals.

I consider myself entirely flipped personality before and after the incident of my baby.

I always wonder what went wrong that night and what we could have changed.

Shouldn’t we accept the doctor’s advice?
Shouldn’t we keep the child in the first city?
Shouldn’t we go to the 2nd city on priority?
Who’s fault was in all these events?

These are the questions that haunt me every moment of my life, and getting back to them always hurt me deeply.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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