If you’ve been following my story so far, you probably know that my biological dad was never there for us during his life. My mom has the role of a father and mother figure for me and my brother.
It was lonely. When other kids at school would tell a story about their birthday celebration, I had to try my best not to cry. Because I’ve never had any of them.
No one was home. I didn’t have many memories with my dad. I can count with one hand how many times did we talk. My mom always says he’s such a mysterious man.
He had so much trauma in his childhood that he became so cold towards everybody — including his own family.
He’d do sneaky things around his marriage and never been there for the kids at least emotionally.
I thought I was the only one who hated my childhood. The older I get, the more I understand that you’re never alone in any struggles you have in your life — no matter how complicated it is.
“Childhood trauma doesn’t come in one single package”. — Dr. Asa Don Brown
There’s always someone out there to relate or they relate to you.
But still, pain is pain. Being less alone in your journey to healing those childhood traumas is nice but it won’t remove the scars permanently.
Kids with a broken family like me take a little more time to have what’s so-called normal life.
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Dating is a lot harder when you have childhood trauma hunting you
My mom used to wonder why I wanted to get married when I hit 30. “We live in the village, no one’s getting married at that age” — she said.
But she forgot her 3 failed marriages were the ones that made me scared of settling down in the first place.
Seeing her putting 100% into a relationship that ended up hurting her was enough for me to think twice before doing the same.
That’s the thing about growing up in a broken home family.
It’s not that easy for you to believe in love because you’re so used to seeing the worst scenarios of it.
I’ve had some old friends who are now successful in their careers live but decided to stay unmarried forever.
They’re in their 30s and 40s yet they’re so fine being alone because being with a man and a committed relationship seems to be too risky for them.
While the others like me ended up giving it a try anyway. It’s hard and brutal at some point.
The childhood traumas are still with me and if I didn’t work hard to unlearn every false belief I have, I knew I wouldn’t move forward in my love life.
Sometimes you need to learn some lessons the hard way.
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No one says keeping all the hate within you is healthy
Do you still hate your mom/dad for staying in such a toxic relationship? Even if that happened years ago and your parents are most likely already moved on.
I still have that feeling especially when mom and I talk about her life.
I wish she could get out of her first abusive marriage earlier before it got so much worse. Because the impact of it was still stuck within her. I could see the pain in her eyes and how much hurt there is.
So when you see the person you love the most is hurting, you can’t help but get angry. However, the feeling stops coming often when I started working on my childhood trauma.
I stopped asking why my dad did what he did to my mom. I stopped hating him and letting him make mistakes just like other human beings.
My therapist told me nothing good comes out of keeping the hate within you. You’ve got no option than letting it go.
You have to if you want to get your peace back.
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Your parents may not understand your pain — and it’s okay
During my teenage years, my mom had to work outside all day and we never met until at least 8 PM when we were all ready to sleep.
I remember having this feeling of so much anger, loneliness, and sadness almost every day. I’d break down crying and wishing I could be in someone else’s home with a more “normal” vibe.
“People raised on love see things differently than those raised on survival.” — Joy Marino
While I never thought it was my mom’s fault, it still took me years to come to terms that it was what it was.
My mom tried her very best to keep it all together and it’s an ungrateful thing for me to do if I demanded her understanding about my pain.
It wasn’t until I hit 25 that I started to understand how hard it was for her to carry all of the problems; her failed marriages, kids’ expensive school fees, and people’s judgment.
It was just too much for her but she kept going.
So I figured I’d deal with those pains on my own. Blaming your parents for your childhood trauma won’t make it better.
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Growing up in not so “a normal” family wasn’t fun. But in a way, it makes you more mature because you’ve tasted how bitter life could be — even if they’re none of your faults.
“Children don’t get traumatized because they are hurt. They get traumatized because they’re alone with the hurt.” — Dr. Gabor Mate
There’s nothing you can do. You can’t fix your parent’s marriage or hope they’ll stop screaming at each other.
You can’t ask them to have healthy communication just like how adults do in their romantic relationships.
It’s none of your business. It’s their problem to handle.
But your childhood trauma is on you. Because the more you neglect them and refuse to work on them, the more they’ll screw your life over.
I’ve been there and I hope you don’t go through the same thing. See a therapist if it helps — whatever it is, just do something.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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