This Is the Biggest Barrier to Flirting

I was fresh off a breakup when I met three eligible bachelors at a wedding.

More than once that night, I was re-introduced to those three eligible men. Every uncle and aunt of the bride conspired to set me up with one of those three men.

They were all handsome in their own ways, but one, in particular, caught my eye.

Lucky me, he asked me to dance.

But I pretty much said no because I was too intimidated by how handsome I found him to be.

I didn’t show up to that wedding with any expectations of anything like this. I was just there to celebrate the union of my brother and his beautiful wife. And in fact, I was caught up with someone at work.

We weren’t talking, but I was interested in him.

The guy at work and the guy at the wedding both had something in common:

I couldn’t speak to them, not talk of flirting.

I was too nervous.

They were too handsome.

I wanted to shoot my shot. Trust me, I did.

But I couldn’t.

The stupid part is, I can flirt with anyone I’m not attracted to very easily.

Not to be manipulative.

Not to seduce someone with a bait and switch.

Flirting is just friendliness, after all. And I’m very friendly. So, I have no problem talking to strangers who I’m not attracted to. But with these two guys, I just couldn’t do it.

Why?

A lot of people are afraid of rejection

It sucks to put your feelings out there, expose yourself (metaphorically not physically, otherwise you could get arrested), and not have those feelings be reciprocated.

It can be a huge hit to the ego and the self-esteem when you misread what you thought were positive signs, only to find out the person you’re interested in is taken or is just not that into you.

Fear, in general, gets in the way of taking chances. So, it would make sense that fear of rejection is the reason we don’t go after the people and things we desire.

But actually, I think there’s something bigger at play than the fear of rejection.

Describe yourself in one word

If I had to pick one word to describe myself, I’d probably pick goofy or silly.

I love to make my friends and family laugh, and I’m proud of my ability to do so.

How would you describe yourself in one word?

Now, describe the object of your affection in one word

Thinking about the person I’m currently enamored with, the first word that comes to mind is perfect. But handsome and sweet are good contenders, too.

How would you describe the current object of your affection in one word?

If you’re anything like me, you probably have much nicer, more glorifying descriptors for the person you’re currently interested in.

And that’s probably because you have that person on a pedestal.

The biggest barrier to flirting is putting your person of interest on a pedestal.

No one is perfect, not even the person you’re really into right now.

And when you put someone up on a pedestal and see that person as perfect, you get too intimidated to even try to talk to them, not talk of flirting.

My biggest issue is I put everyone I’m interested in on a pedestal.

They’re incredibly attractive, I’m just okay.

They’re perfect, I’m decent.

They’re incredible, I’m fine, I guess?

It’s no wonder you get choked up around someone who you perceive to better, in some way, than you.

Fear of rejection is already bad enough. But feelings of unworthiness can be even worse.

So, if you’re interested in talking to someone romantically, assess whether you’ve put that person on a pedestal or not. And if you have, do yourself and them a favor and take them off it.

It’s easier said than done. I know because this is something I still struggle with, even though I’m much more aware of it now.

But it’ll make connecting with others easier if you’re able to hold more realistic expectations and ideas about others.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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