This Is the Most Selfish Thing You Can Do in a Marriage

I once said, “I’m tired of watching children walking around masquerading as adults.” I stand behind this sentiment and quote. It took me years to arrive at this epiphany.

I was a young adult when I got married.

But I was an adult.

My husband didn’t have to parent me. He didn’t have to remind me to pay a bill, service the cars, take out the trash, do the laundry, clean, or pick up milk.

You get the idea.

I was self-responsible.

Call me crazy.

I think it’s called being a grown-up.

We don’t leave home to go out into the world and marry someone who has to assume the role of ‘mommy or daddy.’ Oh wait, that’s right…some of us do.

And…

What a nightmare that becomes.

It’s exhausting.

I tolerated it.

Why? Because men and women somehow confuse this with being married. We tell ourselves, “She doesn’t know anything about cars,” or “He doesn’t know how to do the laundry.”

But you don’t have to understand the under-workings of an automobile to grasp that it needs regular maintenance. You don’t need to be an expert to wash your own clothes.

Again, it’s called growing up.

It worked during my marriage until it didn’t.

But not for the reasons that you would expect.

I went along to go along. I was okay with the ‘roles’ that my husband and I played in our marriage. Even though, roles end up leading us into dangerous relationship territory.

I’m sure many of you reading this would agree.

We slip into those roles.

It frustrates us but it somehow works.

We come to accept it.

Until it leads to a broader relationship landscape. The moment our marriage experiences severe difficulty. Spoiler alert. This requires two self-responsible adults, aka, two ‘grown-ups.’

But wait…

Were there two grown-ups in the marriage thus far?

Not in my case.

What did this mean?

It meant that once I told my husband I was unhappy and thinking of leaving him, he began behaving badly. He started drinking and acting uncharacteristically. He was scaring me. He was scaring our children.

I begged him to stop.

I begged him to confront what was bothering him. I begged him to go to counseling. I begged him to stop drinking until he could deal with his anger.

He refused.

Instead, he continued to indulge his own world, his own pain, his own misery, his own spoiled inner child, his own immaturity, his own inability to grow up.

This is the most selfish thing that you can do in marriage.

When you choose to get married you no longer have that luxury.

You must be self-accountable. You must be self-responsible. You must mature. You must let go of that spoiled inner child. You must accept responsibility for all aspects of your life.

A spouse shouldn’t have to beg you to do so.

They shouldn’t have to beg you to be a responsible spouse. A responsible parent, or a responsible adult. They shouldn’t have to beg you to address your problems, or the marital problems.

They shouldn’t have to beg you to stop behaving badly.

They shouldn’t have to beg you to stop spending too much, drinking too much, gambling too much, or any other type of negative behavior. They shouldn’t have to beg you to address your own pain or problems.

They shouldn’t have to beg you to go to marriage counseling.

They shouldn’t have to beg you to care.

A mature adult eventually arrives at that decision on their own. It doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of bad behavior. We are all human. We are not perfect.

Life has ebbs and flows.

We are all capable of bad behavior.

But when we repeatedly behave that way and refuse to acknowledge it…it burdens others.I remember sitting with my marriage counselor one day. At this point, I was in couples counseling for one.

My husband refused to return.

“You are being overly responsible for another human being,” said my psychologist marriage counselor. “And you are being under-responsible or yourself.”

What did this mean?

It meant that while my husband refused to address his behavior, I was over-compensating for it. My world was revolving around him and his pain. It consumed me.

I worried for our children. I worried for him. I worried for our family. What’s interesting is that I never thought to type that I was worried for myself.

Hence, why my counselor said I was being under-responsible for myself.

I began to navigate my husband’s moods and behavior.

My needs became unimportant.

One person demanded that I become overly responsible for him and the way his bad behavior was impacting our lives. I had lost any (if I had them at all) self-protective instincts to be self-protecting.

He consumed my (our) world.

The most selfish thing you can do in a marriage is to not fully mature.

Sadly, people can ‘appear’ mature.

Even when they are not.

They can buy a car, a house, get married, have children, and have great professional careers. They can make their ‘very own’ day-to-day world operate as if they need no ‘parenting.’

But the person at work, the friend, or the spouse is picking up the slack.

It’s misguided.

Adults do need help. The human condition is meant to be shared. But there is a difference between ‘being there for one another,’ and an individual who demands your focus in order for them to function fully.

A person who refuses to fully grow up.

Which causes another individual to become ‘overly responsible’ for them.

It’s the most selfish marital behavior.

But it is extremely common. Especially in so-called traditional relationships. I told my husband one thing during our marital problems because he complained about the responsibilities.

“No one asked me what I wanted to do today,” he said.

We had our boys sports games that afternoon.

“You made the decision what you were doing today,” I said. “When you decided to get married and have children.”

I spent years after that begging him to care.

What I didn’t realize?

I had been begging him to grow up. I had been begging him to be a mature adult. I had been begging him to be self-responsible. I had been begging him to be self-accountable.

But silly me thought that I had been begging him ‘to care.’

I told myself that he was in a bad place.

It’s one of my biggest regrets.

It was a waste of time.

He may have dated me. He may have married me. He may have wanted a family. He may have ‘thought’ he wanted to share a life with someone. But he was selfish.

He believed he could still be childish.

Or as I like to say, “I’m tired of watching children walk around masquerading as adults.”

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.