I was watching a tarot reading on YouTube by Amber Khan (TheQuietestRevolution) when she said something to the effect of —
People who are highly manipulative often tend to be easily manipulated, themselves.
This is the perfect description of the overt narcissist.
Overt narcissists have a notoriously inflated sense of self and suffer from a superiority complex that often masks an extremely fragile ego.
It’s this one attribute of their pathology that actually does two things that work against them,
- unmasks the type of narcissist they are, and
- induces their downfall
Because, due to their superiority complex, overt narcs tend to believe they’re smarter than everyone around them. This belief prompts them to then actively try to outsmart people.
It’s this specific aspect that actually makes the overt narcissist the clumsiest of their breed
By making them overly prone to underestimating their targets while overestimating their own success rates.
The more victims they succeed with the more confidence they continue developing. This is the player who usually can’t spot when they’re being played. I introduce one such case in the following article:
Where I successfully turned one overt narcissist’s gameplan against him because he was so busy running games he actually failed to realize when I started playing.
This lack of awareness of their pathology is what makes them the easiest to spot out of all the narcissistic types.
Especially because the overt narcissist is often the most outwardly arrogant of the bunch.
Often that arrogance is misplaced and eventually works to their disadvantage specifically when they’re approaching prey.
But not just any prey, seasoned prey.
I consider ‘seasoned prey’ to be former victims of narcissistic abusers (or abusers, in general) who either know what signs to look out for or are still learning the signs but have a natural aversion to certain narcissistic qualities.
I place myself in this category for the simple fact that I have had too many encounters and experiences with narcissists to reject the category.
(No, I don’t like considering myself as prey but the reality is this is how these types view us — as prey. As targets. And maybe, even, as scores they need to settle with themselves — or their mothers.)
Allow me to introduce you to one such experience with one such narcissist that leads me to understand not only the pathology of the overt narcissist but how it differs from their covert and malignant counterparts,
And why it ultimately fails.
(Most of the time.)
This Incident Happened in July 2021
I was walking to the bodega down the block.
When I walked in, a dealer I’d gotten weed from a couple of times was in there. I was surprised because I hadn’t seen him in a while so we greeted each other and hugged.
Once we hugged, he turned the hug into a very intimate embrace. This caught me off guard and pissed me off because I knew instantly what he was doing; he was sending a message.
He was marking “territory”.
He made sure to do this publically, in the busiest section of the store (in the front) so everyone would see it. This way, it would send a message to anyone who was watching.
Especially other men.
Time and time again, this has been a clear indicator of which type of narcissist I was dealing with. Specifically, because the overt narcissist is…
Overt in their approach.
Comparing pathologies — covert, overt, and malignant
- Unlike the covert narcissist, there is no subtlety.
There is no hesitation in the overt’s approach but there is an actual concern over being rejected, in both types.
Because of this, the covert will watch you just to adjust their approach. In some cases, they will get you to approach them, first (especially if you’re an extrovert). This is especially seen in the female narcissist’s passive approach,
Which I wrote about in this article:
- Unlike the malignant narcissist, there is no well-thought-out approach.
Malignant narcs are like their covert counterparts because they will spend a generous amount of time watching you as well.
They too will adjust their approach;
As detailed in the following article I wrote about a very dangerous malignant narcissist that I dated, named Dwayne:
But they have very different motives than the other two types.
The Pathology of Rejection Sensitivity in Every Narcissist Type
Unlike both, the covert and the overt narcissist, the malignant narcissist doesn’t necessarily care about being rejected by you because they’re aware there’s more where you (the prey) come from.
They love the pursuit because the act of conquering is a game to them; catching you is the prize. The abuse they inflict on you after that is just an added bonus to them,
Because this is where they get to test out their tactics on you — to see where their weaknesses are, and then strengthen them according to your responses. The malignant will only cast their nets to —
- see what bites
- study how well their methods work
- head back to the drawing board to improve their technique
- rinse and repeat the process
Only in certain cases do they actually care about who they’re baiting and in those cases the pursuit will be dangerously methodical and the abuse within the relationship will be tremendous.
The fatal flaw in the overt narcissist’s approach
Unlike the covert and the malignant narcissist, the overt narcissist is upfront and in your face. They’re obvious because they don’t feel like they can (or will) lose.
This is why when they do experience rejection, these are the guys that will see their failure as your loss — because they have to.
These are the dudes who will go from hollering at you on the street to cursing you out, within seconds.
In fact, it’s the overt narcissist who happens to be the culprit of most of our nightmare catcalling experiences. These are the men who go from —
“Fuck you, you ugly bitch!”
If you so much as keep walking without offering them a reply, after they speak to you. And they will scream it in the middle of the street, publically broadcasting their narcissistic injury.
At their most tame, you’ll receive a —
You can’t say hi?!
I said “hello”
Overt narcissists notoriously take rejection very badly.
I Shoved Him Off of Me — Violently
Photo by MART PRODUCTION on Pexels
It was instinctive.
But because I’ve been raped, beaten, and almost killed in the past by men who had a problem when hearing the word “no” I maintained my friendly demeanor — out of fear and survival.
I told him not to touch me like that and then went to the counter to pay for my stuff. What he did next was very telling of his archetype,
He followed me over to the counter and asked to speak to me near the alcoholic beverages, which were only a couple of footsteps behind me.
He was completely ignoring my rejection and my very physical enforcement of personal space. And this was not shocking, to me.
Overt narcissists will usually take your rejection as a challenge and not the disinterest that it actually is; the types who insist you’re playing “hard to get”. In some cases, they usually don’t even believe it when it’s happening.
This guy was no different.
Still, something told me to go so I walked over and once we were there he stood too close as he asked how I was doing, before asking about my job.
(He remembered I was a writer.)
I told him it was going great and I’d been creating a lot.
He cut me off to say,
I wanna create inside you.
This man didn’t even know my name.
I shouldn’t have been surprised
If there is one thing an overt narcissist is, it’s bold.
The problem was he had just told me he wanted to not only have sex with me but, essentially, ejaculate inside of me, as well. And he used an analogy involving my writing to do it.
I told him to get out of my face and told him I would never sleep with him. And he wanted an explanation for that.
He wanted me to explain why I wouldn’t have sex with him.
I had more tolerance then than I do now so I told him I don’t sleep around and wasn’t interested in him, and that was it. He disregarded my words and cut me off, to say —
I wanna play with you.
I couldn’t believe this was really happening, so I said —
I repeated his words and asked him if that was really what he said to me and he smiled and said “yeah”.
Overts really are unflinchingly persistent.
An Unlikely Solution to Handling Overt Narcissists
I was so angry that I walked away and went back to the counter to pay for my stuff. He followed me, looking nervous and uncomfortable while trying to resume the same conversation in a much lower tone of voice.
I lost my temper and started talking loud, purposely drawing attention to us both, as I called him out for his disrespect.
I asked him why he was speaking so low when he had all that volume when he had me in the corner, alone.
People were watching.
He was very uncomfortable now.
He looked embarrassed and now he didn’t want to respond but I was finally angry enough to not fear men who fear rejection, I wasn’t dialing it back. He said nothing as I paid for my stuff and walked out, leaving him alone.
Unmasked and exposed.
I left feeling relieved and shocked that I got the outcome I did because I never would’ve believed that it would take everything going left to unintentionally learn exactly how to deal with the overt narcissist.
Especially because I’ve always tried to ignore my own anger. I often don’t act on it, especially with narcissists, but the very few times I did, I got strong results — results I wanted. I’m left in disbelief but really,
I should have guessed it all along.
Negative Attention Is The Overt Narcissist’s Kryptonite
Remember how I said it’s the overt narcissist who will cause a scene when they’ve been injured?
As uncomfortable as it is to be on the receiving end of it, it turns out that this reaction is one that they also hate.
In the following article:
I explain that narcissists actually have a bad poker face when it comes to their abuse tactics; because they often abuse their victims in ways they cannot handle being abused.
Their own tactics will injure them when reversed. Therefore, how a narcissist chooses to abuse you will usually be their tell.
- The covert likes playing head games; play a better head game
- The malignant likes playing cat-and-mouse; become the cat
- The overt likes being bold aggression; be aggressive or “crazy” (call them out, publically)
(Disclaimer: only do these things if you feel safe enough to engage in any capacity. I tell most victims to stay away or get away but sometimes running isn’t possible, or will not be the answer. Sometimes.)
The overt is no different than their counterparts when it comes to falling victim to their own schemes. Their weaknesses are just the most obvious to figure out; specifically when it comes to how they respond to an injury.
For example, this overt went out of his way to make every move he made public and invasive.
touching me too intimately
partially isolating me from bystanders, to then
speaking explicitly to me (loud enough for it to be public but low enough for no one to notice)
It didn’t take much to realize his fear would be being met with the same loud, aggressive, and public energy.
Attention seekers tend to hate being the center of attention they cannot control. This is exactly why I called him out and embarrassed him.
I placed the spotlight directly on him and aired him out in front of everyone, and guess what?
Not only did it immediately unmask him and injure him into silence, in that moment and every time he saw me out in public after that,
I didn’t see him again for a very long time but when I did had no issue with him… But only because it was clear I was going to be the one to cause a scene.
© Linda Sharp 2023. All Rights Reserved.
This post was previously published on medium.com.
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
|White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism||Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box||The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer||What We Talk About When We Talk About Men|
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