This Is What the Devaluation Process Looks Like

Narcissists don’t look for partners, they look for projects. Every person they pick is expected to fit their narrative and fit perfectly into their projection of reality.

The issue is people are complex and unique. None of us are perfect and that’s where narcissists begin to devalue their partners.

Narcissists have a false perception, and stubborn belief, in perfection. Whenever you don’t measure up they won’t discard you right away.

First, they will try to mold you and change you.

This is the initiation of the devaluation process, but it’s not full-blown yet. When, if, and as their ability to completely change you fails,

Then, they will begin to devalue you further.

I’m gonna share with you four examples of what that looks like in a narcissistically abusive relationship.

1. He Threw Out My Favorite Lipstick.

I used to wear this lipstick brand Tarte. I don’t remember the exact color but I do remember three things.

It was a medium brown lipstick that I loved
It was the last one because Tarte stopped making that specific shade
It was $21–25

I wasn’t big on makeup but I was a lipstick junkie. Admittedly, this is where I’d spend money. I loved the way I looked in brown lipstick.

To me, it was the perfect shade. I had spent years, from nineteen to twenty-three, looking for the right shade of lipstick. I tried dark reds and nude shades but nothing looked right to me until I found this shade.

My ex, Jamel, hated my lipstick.

He said it was too dark and it didn’t look good on me. This never changed how I saw it on myself and I didn’t stop wearing it. This lipstick was here before him. It had become a signature part of my look.

Well, it used to be.

One day we were in his car on our way to his house and he took my entire tube of lipstick, the very last one since they were no longer being sold in the stores or online, and threw it out onto the highway.

He just took it and threw it out.

I was in shock and I was upset.

He laughed and I was stuck on a highway with no way to get myself home, so I laughed it off too. I never found that lipstick shade again.

2. He Physically Changed My Clothes — for Me.

On our first outing to meet his friends from high school, Jamel came over one night to pick me up.

Without a word, he walked over to my closet and took out a whole new outfit of his choosing. He then walked over to me and took off what I had on, before redressing me. And I let him do that.

Why?

Because I had a pathologically flawed perception of what love looked like. This meant I was really bad at reading into true intentions. Back then I thought this meant he cared.

I thought it meant he loved me and was invested. Please don’t ask me why but I did. So I put on what he wanted me to wear and once we got to his friend’s house I realized I wasn’t there to be his girlfriend.

I was there to be his trophy.

Let me explain.

Jamel’s friends and family were all very materialistic.

They all judged one another constantly, especially behind each other’s backs. I witnessed this numerous times.

They based people’s values on:

the type of phones they have
the type of cars they drive
how big their houses are
the brand of clothes they wear
the shoes they have on
how much money they make
the kind of job they have
their appearance
the appearance of their spouses

I realized that he didn’t want, nor allow, me to dress the way I wanted or the way I usually did, for a reason. He was ashamed of me.

He knew they would tell him I wasn’t good enough for him, just because of how I looked. He didn’t want me to make him look bad.

3. He Took Me on a Shopping Spree and Only Picked Out Ugly Clothes — On Purpose.

One specific thing Jamel wanted to do was take me shopping. As sad as this might be, I wasn’t used to this.

The only other time an ex took me shopping (well, went shopping for me) he bought me clothes his ex would’ve worn. He also picked colorful clothes because I’m known for wearing black. He hated this about me; he hated the way that I dressed.

Jamel also didn’t like the way I dressed. Ironically, I dressed like him. We both loved athleisure wear and wore sweats all the time.

I’ve only ever seen him in jeans twice in the three years we were together. I was known for wearing sweats with skintight v-neck shirts and lots of jewelry. I found ways to make my naturally tomboyish style feminine.

I really loved the way that I looked. My self-esteem was so high, I would even say I semi-loved myself — but Jamel didn’t. He felt that I should change the way I dress, he wanted me to be “more feminine”.

He constantly told me how he wanted me to dress more girly but from observation, it was clear he wanted me to emulate and embody the IG model beauty standards. What he really wanted me to do was dress like his exes.

And pretty soon, Jamel decided to do something about the problem of my dress code. He took me shopping.

It was something he claimed he really wanted to do so one day he took me to either H&M or Forever 21, I can’t remember. What I do remember is everything he picked up being ugly. Everything was either bland and plain or just basic and ill-fitting.

None of it reflected me.

Or the IG model types.

Usually, when you go shopping for someone you shop for things that reflect who they are — not who you want them to be. But Jamel was doing neither of these things. He wasn’t even picking up stuff his exes would wear.

This is when I got suspicious.

I was starting to get confused because it felt like there was malicious intent behind this shopping spree. He insisted on it but only chose ugly things to buy me. It actually felt like a joke, one at my expense.

After he bought me these items he insisted I wear this one piece in particular when we went out together. It was a short-sleeved green and navy blue striped dress that hung flat.

It didn’t hug my curves or show anything off. It’s something I would’ve worn if I was twelve. He praised my appearance but when we got around his mom and family some of them were smirking.

I never wore that dress again.

Or any of the clothes he bought me that day.

4. He Canceled a Date Because I Wore Sweats.

This happened eight months into our relationship.

We were on the phone as he drove to my apartment to come to get me. Either he asked me what I was wearing and I told him, or I sent him a picture because I genuinely thought I looked cute and was proud of my appearance.

I was wearing his black sweats and a tight long-sleeved sage green v-neck. I had black converses on and my brown lipstick and jewelry. He asked me to change, but I refused because I really liked what I had on and the way it fit me.

Let me clarify that Jamel and I were both 5 ft. 3 and wore a size small, so his clothes actually did fit me — perfectly, even though he was stocky and I’m petite (108 lbs).

I believe this was a trigger for him, but this wasn’t my fault and I was never going to apologize for my size or my height. When I refused to change he got angry and yelled —

“You’re gonna look stupid! People are going to laugh at you!”

I didn’t believe him because I dressed like this long enough to know the complete opposite has always been the case. I knew there was nothing wrong with my appearance.

I wasn’t worried at all about how people would see me. What hurt my feelings was realizing this was how he felt, about me. What hurt me was understanding exactly what this meant.

Jamel was worried more about what the general public had to say about me instead of appreciating any aspect of my natural beauty and style. Especially considering he was pursuing me while I looked this way.

Still, I refused to change my outfit.

He showed up with an attitude.

I got in his car and he wouldn’t talk to me — or at all. This was something Jamel did often and something I was starting to grow tired of. So, I also got irritated and very uncomfortable.

That’s when he decided he couldn’t take me where he wanted to take me with me being “dressed like that” and changed plans. Even though we were dressed damn near the same.

Jamel turned his car around, stopped at a pizzeria by my house, and brought me back home to watch TV in my room until he left.

This deeply hurt my feelings and would be the event that initiated me finally telling the people closest to me what had been happening to me for the last eight months, and finally coming clean about my abuse.

Now I’m sharing these painful stories with you so that you know some of the red flags to look out for. If you are going through this and can’t leave, or haven’t found the strength to leave then please (at the very least),

Tell someone who loves you.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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