This Is Why Disrespectful Spouses Are Unpredictable

Someone I know is going out of town.

He’s worried about who he’s leaving his dog with. It’s a family member that his wife wants to use. He explains why he thinks he can’t count on this individual. It reminds me that disrespectful people are unpredictable.

I know this because I was married to a disrespectful man.

People rarely talk about the unpredictability of disrespectful individuals.

They can cause a sense of anxiety.

There’s a reason for this.

Case 1 — The respectful person:

If you are interacting with a respectful person a conversation may go something like this…

“My dog gets anxious during thunderstorms,” says the dog owner. “If the weather is bad please do this (insert instructions) during the storm.”

“Absolutely,” says the respectful person. “I will do that.”

There’s zero anxiety.

A respectful person will carry out the dog owner’s wishes. They have no desire to prove anyone wrong. The intent is to respect the instructions of the owner.

They are predictable.

You can count on them to do what you’ve asked them to do.

Case 2 — The disrespectful person

If you are interacting with a disrespectful person a conversation may go something like this…

“My dog gets anxious during thunderstorms,” says the dog owner. “If the weather is bad please do this (insert instructions) during the storm.”

“Sure,” says the respectful person. “I’ll do that.”

But will they? Maybe, or maybe not. It depends on the day, the mood, and their schedule. If they agree with it they may do it. If it’s easy they may do it. If not, they may not.

Why?

You have to understand the disrespectful individual’s inner dialogue. It can be less about you, more about them. If they disagree, they can be intent on proving another person wrong.

Here’s what their internal dialogue might be.

“This dog owner is over the top. They’re being ridiculous. What’s the big deal? It’s just a thunderstorm. The dog will be fine. I grew up with dogs who survived thunderstorms. I don’t need to do anything. The dog will survive.”

They are unpredictable.

It’s not about you, or your wishes.

It’s about them and it’s about their own worldview.

You can’t count on them to necessarily do what they said they will do.

It’s less about you, and more about whether they agree with you.

Hence, the unpredictability of the disrespectful individual.

There’s a reason a disrespectful person (spouse) can cause anxiety.

Can I count on them? Or will this be another time that I can’t count on them? Will they do what they decide they want to do? Will they attempt to prove me wrong? Will they leave me hanging?

Instead of respecting what worries me, stresses me, or is important to me.

My now ex-husband was predictable on the average day. It’s probably why I remained with him for as long as I did. But he caused me tremendous anxiety.

He was as my sister said, “Predictably unpredictable.”

Such simple words that she once shared with me. They were true. She uttered them in an attempt to urge me to stop being disappointed by him. She wanted me to accept my reality.

She wanted me to stop tormenting myself with angst.

She wanted me to understand who he was.

I ultimately did. But it took a lot of time. It took a lot of anxiety, upset, and unpredictability. He was not a man I could count on. He was a man I could ‘occasionally ’ count on.

It was conditional.

It was about him.

It could be something little, or large.

I could be sleep-deprived with a sick baby, and ask (which I rarely did) for him to pick something up on the way home. It was always a crap shoot. Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn’t.

I could ask him for a favor (I hate using that word but I use it intentionally because I was a stay-at-home mom) and emphasize how important it was to get our children to school on time because it was a standardized testing day.

He could’ve cared less.

I could tell him I didn’t want to be late to an event. I could explain how much it would stress me. It didn’t matter. Sometimes he would be on time, others he wouldn’t.

I could explain my anxiety over a bill paid late. I could tell him our dinner guests were arriving at a certain time. I could tell him I needed his help. I could tell him I was being honored at an event for my work.

It never mattered.

There was a never-ending unpredictability to his behavior.

I could count on him sometimes. I couldn’t count on him other times. It tended to lean into two different categories. It was about whether or not he agreed with me.

Or…

If it happened to be no skin off his back.

In other words, his typically disrespectful self could not be counted on. Unless, there was nothing better going on in his life, and he felt like he had the time to expend (or in his view ‘give into me’) in some way.

His words meant nothing.

Disrespectful individuals can’t necessarily be counted on.

They decide whether they think you are right, or you are wrong.

They decide what is the right course to take. They decide whether or not what you believe, worry about, stress about, dream about, find joy in, etc. is worthy.

If not, they are intent on dismissing it.

They create a sense of anxiety in our lives. A sense of unpredictability. Will this be the time I can count on my spouse? Will this be the time I can’t count on my spouse?

It’s a crap shoot.

A never-ending emotional crap shoot.

One I am so grateful I no longer bet on.