This One Simple Exercise Led Me to My Partner for Life

We all want to be with someone who makes our heart race. We want to feel head-over-heels in love. And yet, there’s more to finding a partner for life than just seeking those butterflies.

Ask yourself: What do I really want in a partner?

I’m not talking about a handful of attributes that you find attractive. I’m talking about what you really, really want. That deep clarity on who you want to spend your life with.

Five years ago, I was at a place in my life where I was ready to find my person. I was dating around and yet I was yearning to find someone I could create deep roots with.

I would go on a date and evaluate superficial things like their looks and how charming they were. I would judge how deep our chemistry was and look for a spark as the indication that they were ‘the one’.

None of this really set me up for finding a partner for life. Instead, one really simple exercise did.

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Your Top 5 Must-Haves in a Partner

Take some time to think about the relationships you’ve been in. What worked? What didn’t work? What did you really want from that person? Where did they let you down?

Brainstorm a list of what’s truly important to you. Now it’s time to narrow it down:

Pick 5 qualities of what you really want in a partner.

That’s it — only your top 5 must-haves. Unfortunately, you can’t keep a laundry list of everything you want in a perfect partner because that’s setting you up for failure.

Now, I know choosing only 5 qualities is hard. There are a lot of things we want in our potential partners. So, it’s important to have a must-have and a nice-to-have section. You need to distinguish which five are actual dealbreakers for you and which ones you can live without.

Figuring out what’s a must-have

Go back to your past relationships. What were the reasons you broke up? What drove your relationship apart? What did you realize that you really needed in a partner?

Those are your dealbreakers. The things you must have in a relationship or it just won’t work. Get extremely clear on what is a must-have and a nice-to-have.

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My story

I learned about this exercise from my personal coach when I was 25. Funny enough, she told me about this exercise the same day I had a date that evening. So of course, as soon as I got off the phone, I quickly spent some time putting my 5 must-haves together.

Here is my original list from 2016:

GROWTH — He is driven to be the best version of himself mentally & physically with a willingness to grow personally & together.
MAGNET — He physically magnetizes me toward him with his masculinity and I magnetize him with my femininity.
RESPECT — He respects me and others in life with a willingness to let go of judgment and see the positive in the situation.
ADVENTURE — He has a zest for life & adventure so we can see the world together.
STRONG CORE — He believes in himself, knows his strengths & weaknesses and approaches life with abundance.

Nice-to-haves:

Charming & Charismatic
Achiever
Abundant
Intelligent & Articulate
Great Family
Resourceful
Funny

Bonus points if you can narrow it down to a one-word title for each of your top 5. That way it’s easy to remember and you can mentally think about your list when you go on dates.

What happened on my date?

I was set up a ‘blind date’ by my friends. Well, I felt a little like a covert interviewer during the whole first date.

Since I knew what I wanted, I would drop in subtle questions to get a sense of whether my date had those qualities.

For example, I asked about how often he loved to travel and he responded, “at least a few times in a year”. Tick in the box!

Well, our first date was a success. There were no glaring red flags that went against my must-haves. I wanted to continue getting to know him.

Over the course of the first few months of dating, it became clearer and clearer how much he fit what I was looking for. I only knew that though because I was extremely clear on what I wanted.

Did he end up being ‘the one’?

Yes! That original first date has turned into a life-long relationship. Although we still had our own rollercoaster of figuring that out. It actually took me almost losing him to cement that he was the one for me. You can read more about that story here:

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Final thoughts

I do hope you take the time to get clear on what you want.

If you’re dating, it’s an absolute must.

If you’re already in a relationship, it can be eye-opening. It can show you how your partner is already meeting your must-haves and you may be expecting too much with many nice-to-haves. Or it might solidify what you may already know deep down, that your current partner hasn’t met one or more of your must-haves.

Whichever way it goes, you’ll be glad to have a deep sense of clarity rather than fumbling with what if’s.

With love,
Megan

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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