This Romantic Gesture Is Actually a Major Red Flag [Video]

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)

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it’s quite fascinating isn’t it the red
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flags
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in
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early interactions that we miss
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and i was
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made aware of one in particular that’s a
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really interesting one that i think a
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lot of people miss by one of my
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love life club members on a live
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coaching call i did with them the other
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day by the way for those of you who
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aren’t a member right now of my love
0:25
life club you can join for a 14-day free
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trial at ask askmh.com so i’ll leave
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that here for anyone who wants to go and
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check out that membership for themselves
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and be perhaps
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on the call with me where i coach you
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this particular person said that she had
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met a guy
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right at the beginning of covid they had
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stayed in touch over the course of covid
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they hadn’t seen each other during that
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time and then at one point they were
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able to see each other in person she
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lived in london he lived in
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new york and she flew out to see him in
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new york
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they had an amazing few days together
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really got on well it was really
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romantic they did amazing things went to
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beautiful restaurants had a great time
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and then she flew home then
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he invited her
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to go to burning man for those of you
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that don’t know
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i mean i don’t even really know that
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much about burning man jameson despite
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the fact that we live in la i know that
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it’s in the desert in the middle of
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nowhere which is a great place for a
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date
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no burning man’s there’s lots of people
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that go and absolutely love it and swear
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by it and go every year but it’s a place
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with lots of interesting eccentric
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outfits there’s art exhibitions people
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build things
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um there’s probably one or two drugs
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ingested uh here and there not by
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everybody but by some one end of the
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spectrum is you can
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build structures and be in community and
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love with other people in this really
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interesting creative environment the
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other end of the spectrum is orgies
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it’s got everything at burning man but
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nonetheless he invited her to
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burning man and my alarm bell went off
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immediately
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because i thought my alarm bell didn’t
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go off in the sense that this guy’s
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a creep it went off in the sense that i
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thought hmm this guy
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doesn’t sound particularly serious but
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the second detail she gave me is really
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the part that confirmed it she said
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one of the things that i feel frustrated
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by is that
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since i’ve come home
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we’ve not really talked much he doesn’t
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reach out regularly
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we don’t have
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long chats but he is dead serious about
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me going to this festival with him and
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she actually said to him
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i
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haven’t really heard from you much and
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she had expressed that she felt like
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they hadn’t talked much since she left
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his response
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to her expressing this
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was to book a trip to london he said
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i’ll come see you and so
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three four weeks from that point he
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booked a ticket and he said i’m gonna
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come out there and i’ve booked this
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romantic restaurant for us to go to and
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it all seemed really exciting you know
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wow he’s what an effort he’s making he’s
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coming to london the point i made to her
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was that
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despite this grand gesture
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he hadn’t actually listened at all
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to what she was saying what she was
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saying was
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i don’t feel close to you
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we had this amazing time in new york
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since i got home i don’t feel close i
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don’t feel like you’re showing any
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curiosity about my life i don’t feel
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like you’re asking me how my day is
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going i don’t feel like you’re trying to
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get to know me better i don’t feel close
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to you now he didn’t listen or he didn’t
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care one of the two because his response
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to that was a grand gesture
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let me book a flight to come to london
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that might mean that he really likes her
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and wanted to do something big to show
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her
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but he’s a terrible listener because
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that’s not what she was asking for or
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he heard what she had to say but he went
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i don’t want to do the whole closeness
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thing and have lots of contact because
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that’s not what i’m looking for
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but i’ll book the trip to london because
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that’s another experience and what this
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reeked of to me was a guy who is
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looking for experiences doesn’t make him
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a bad guy
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but it doesn’t make him a guy who’s
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looking for what she’s looking for this
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is a guy who is treating life like a bit
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of a playground right now and he’s like
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come to burning man with me
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uh i’ll come to london and visit you
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and that could just be seen through the
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context of
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well london’s a really cool city
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and it’s fun and he’s attracted to her
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and he clearly enjoyed her company or he
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wouldn’t be inviting her on another trip
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somewhere so the chances are he’s
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attracted to her he really likes her
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company he wants more experiences with
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her because that’s what he’s looking for
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but he doesn’t want an actual
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relationship he doesn’t want actual
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intimacy he doesn’t want actual
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closeness not in a way that builds he
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wants contained closeness he wants a
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contained experience let me come to
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london and book a fancy restaurant and
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let’s have an amazing time in london
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that’s fine
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if that’s all she’s looking for but it
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wasn’t all she was looking for so what’s
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likely to happen is he comes to london
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there’s another really peak experience
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that they have together
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and then
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the contact disappears again
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until
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burning man this is a very
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common pattern i see
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in people’s love lives especially in the
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direction of men to women oh you’re fun
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you’re attractive you’re enjoyable to
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spend time with you’re my vessel of fun
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for this weekend or this month or this
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experience that i want to do and it
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would be fun to do this experience with
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somebody so i want to do it with you but
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it doesn’t mean that they’re serious
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about anything more now in a situation
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where people are honest with each other
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about that that can be a wonderfully
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rewarding thing it’s not not demonizing
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the idea of two people going away and
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having an experience together that
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doesn’t happen within a relationship or
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lead to a relationship the problem is
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when there is an asymmetry between what
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the two people want when he is looking
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at it as an experience and she is
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looking at it as a stepping stone to
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something more what i pointed out to her
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is that
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right now
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you have
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a choice of calling him and saying hey
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you know between now and london i’d love
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for us to speak more
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because there feels like there’s a bit
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of a disconnect between you’re coming
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out to see me and
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we’re not even staying in touch
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frequently and checking in and seeing
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how each other are that feels a bit
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strange to me so can we
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do better on the communication between
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now and then and actually speak more and
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i would see if that improves now if it
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doesn’t improve you could always call
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off the london trip and say hey i’m
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really not feeling comfortable with this
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we’re not really talking we don’t really
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feel close and yet you’re coming over
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and we’re going to spend a whole weekend
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together it just
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doesn’t feel organic to how much we’ve
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been speaking if the communication
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improves then she could have him come to
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london have a great weekend
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and then see what happens after that or
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she just cancels the london trip all
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together and says hey let’s do a trip
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when we feel a little closer because
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right now it feels like we’re doing a
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trip but
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we’re not actually speaking and when i
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did speak to you although i appreciate
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greatly that you’re coming to london
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when i spoke to you about the
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communication i felt like
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the part that was most important to me
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is that we were actually talking more
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regularly and that part hasn’t
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changed i can’t tell anyone what to do
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here i think that if in this situation
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anyone could be forgiven for saying well
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i’ll roll the dice on it let me have
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this person come to london
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see what happens
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and then at the end of it if the
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communication doesn’t improve then i
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definitely am not going to be making a
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trip where i have to put in the effort
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but it would also be fair to say i’m not
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going to do this trip or i’m not going
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to have them come to me
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if
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this communication if this doesn’t
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improve if i don’t feel closer to them
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now look you may wonder how to navigate
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these kinds of things in early dating or
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in dating in general
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i’m a big believer in our love lives of
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knowing what our north star is
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our north star is the things that we
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truly value
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knowing what’s important to us
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which starts with being honest with
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ourselves what am i looking for
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in my love life right now now if i’m
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just looking for some fun
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if i’m just looking to have a good time
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if i’m looking for just spontaneity and
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excitement if those are my number one
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values
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then
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that’s one thing or your north star
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could be
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finding a real relationship
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with somebody who is kind who is
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consistent with me who
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makes me feel the closeness that’s
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important to me someone with whom it
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feels like
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there’s a progression
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that we are actually building something
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if that’s your north star if that’s what
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you decide is the most important thing
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every decision you make
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has to be in line with what takes you
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closer to that north star regardless of
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how something is making you feel in the
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short run in our love lives
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following our north star won’t always
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feel good
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because there might be someone right now
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that’s shiny
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that’s exciting
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there might be we might want to do that
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trip and if we can see it as just a fun
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thing in isolation and do that that’s
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one thing
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but we can’t lie to ourselves if in
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truth i’m going on this trip because not
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just because it would be exciting but
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because i want more with this person but
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i’m looking at this and going but
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they’re not trying any other time
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they’ve just booked a trip with me and
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all of their behavior suggests that
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they’re not actually trying to progress
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anything with me they’re not actually
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trying to make anything happen
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they’re just trying to have this fun
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experience with me
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then this isn’t in line with my north
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star in fact it’s a distraction from my
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north star because if i get hung up on
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this person and i spend the next six
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months wishing i had more with them but
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repeatedly confirming that i’m with
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someone who doesn’t want more with me
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and
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at the end of that six months of being
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tunnel vision about that person and not
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meeting anybody else because i really
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like them and i’m always secretly
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waiting for a text or a phone call from
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them or the next time we’re going to see
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each other
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and then at the end of six months i get
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heartbroken
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because i realize it’s not going
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anywhere or i realize they’re now seeing
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somebody else or that i’ve realized that
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they’ve been seeing multiple people this
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whole time
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then it’s gonna take me another
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two months three months five months six
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months to get over this person so all of
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a sudden something that was a fun trip
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has taken up a year of my life
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emotionally and for the first six months
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physically in terms of where i’m putting
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my energy so if we say my north star is
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to find a meaningful relationship
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then all of a sudden this
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innocent exciting little trip
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doesn’t seem so innocent and it doesn’t
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seem so exciting it seems like it could
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be potentially quite damaging to what’s
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really valuable to us and one of the
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things that
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makes us really unhappy one of the
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things can even make us depressed or
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very shameful or
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or create a lot of self-loathing
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is when we continuously ignore our north
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star
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in favor of the thing that feels good
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because even though in the moment we we
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get addicted to that drug of what feels
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good
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they start to accumulate as
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self-betrayals they accumulate as things
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that we
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ways that we have betrayed ourselves and
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our ultimate goals and when we do that
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we lose trust in ourselves and when we
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lose trust in ourselves that becomes a
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really dangerous
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thing we start to like ourselves less
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the real irony of self-worth
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in all of that is that when we begin to
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like ourselves less we begin to crave
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the very validation
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that the seeking of which is hurting us
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and affecting our self-worth and leading
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to betrayal in the first place we start
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to further betray ourselves seeking
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their validation and then we like
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ourselves less and when we like
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ourselves less we put up with even worse
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treatment and we get stuck in that cycle
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the way to break it
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is take a journal
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i am writing in a journal all the time
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every day
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and write down what’s your north star
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what’s the thing you actually are going
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to choose to value is it finding a kind
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and considerate and compassionate person
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who wants you
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who accepts you
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who’s excited about building something
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with you who shows you that they’re
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excited about it who invests in you if
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you know those things then when someone
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comes along and they’re frothy and
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exciting and
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unpredictable you’ll see those things
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for
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what they are
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things that actually have nothing to do
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with your north star they might be
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alluring they might be seductive they
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might feel good they might draw you with
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their
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shininess their iridescence but it’s not
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gonna
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it’s not gonna be able to sway you
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from your path you’re able to say no to
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that or you’re able if you’re not seeing
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the right things you’re brave enough to
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have the conversation that you’re not
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seeing the right things because
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you know that this isn’t my north star
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right now i’m going to let this person
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know that this isn’t enough for me in
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the same way that i suggested that woman
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let him know hey i
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need this communication between us to
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improve between now and london otherwise
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it’s going to feel really disconnected
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when you get to london because i’m not
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going to feel close to you
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and frankly i wouldn’t be having someone
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come to see me for a weekend like this
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if i didn’t feel close to them when you
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know what your north star is you’re
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brave enough to have standards that make
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someone either have to get in line with
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that north star or prove that they’re
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not capable of that in which case you’re
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able to say no to the fun trip the fun
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experience if
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you want to define what your north star
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is with me
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because maybe you’re watching this video
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and thinking
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this is
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exactly what i need to do i have just
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been following
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feelings
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in a way that consistently has me making
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bad decisions and wasting enormous
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amounts of my time if you want to
15:38
understand more about this process and
15:41
you want to do it with me i am doing
15:43
this with people on my virtual retreat
15:45
and we just confirmed the date of it is
15:48
from november the 11th
15:50
to the 13th
15:52
and it is the one and only remaining
15:55
retreat of this year you can do it
15:57
virtually so you can be anywhere in the
16:00
world and do this program from home
16:03
but we’re going to be spending three
16:04
days together in immersive coaching to
16:08
design your north star and rewire the
16:11
way you make every decision in your life
16:15
and by the way what’s really cool right
16:16
now is because we just released the date
16:20
we have a little tradition with our
16:22
virtual retreat that the first people
16:25
through the door get an early bird
16:28
special meaning the cheapest ticket
16:30
price for the virtual retreat that
16:32
you’re ever gonna get so it won’t be
16:34
this cheap any other time of the year
16:36
leading up to it and some very special
16:39
bonuses that you can find out about at
16:42
mhvirtualretreat.com
16:44
so if you’re coming now is the best time
16:47
to grab a ticket before those early bird
16:49
spots are gone i’ll see you over there
16:52
and of course in the next video
17:13
you

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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