Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)
0:00
it’s not nice
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if you’re a person on a dating app
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pretending to be single
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and you have a girlfriend already
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and then someone starts calling you wow
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and that and you’re with your girlfriend
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that’s a very inconvenient thing to
0:19
happen
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now we did have a voice note from emily
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peel not just uh telling us how
0:28
wonderful we are um but posing a
0:32
challenging question
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so here is emily peel
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hi jams it’s emily from melbourne i’m
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doing a voice memo because it’s relevant
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to my question which is for matt so a
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little while ago matt suggested that we
0:46
ladies have a phone call with someone
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we’ve been chatting to on a dating site
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to get to know them a bit better
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and so i’ve suggested this to some guys
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about ten of them and two of them have
0:56
had a chat with me and the rest of them
0:58
have either ignored me or completely
1:01
deleted me
1:02
um i’ve now asked the guys i’m currently
1:04
chatting with you know what’s the
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problem with a phone call or a video
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chat and they said oh well that’s very
1:10
intense and so now i’m wondering what
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matt’s thoughts are about that feedback
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and whether he would stick to his
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original advice or reconsider
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thank you appreciate you all the best
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now stephen i have some thoughts on this
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because
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i think
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this forced me to kind of really sit and
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reevaluate
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i didn’t want to just brush this off i
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wanted to really think about is is there
1:36
a point here that we might have to
1:39
go back and revise some of that advice
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think about how important what i’m about
1:43
to say must be for me to interrupt my
1:46
own video well here’s why it’s important
1:49
it’s going to change your love life and
1:51
it’s free if you want to know why
1:52
someone may have faded out why they may
1:55
have disappeared why all of a sudden it
1:57
felt like the momentum was lost with
1:59
this person go to why he’s gone.com
2:03
where i talk about the main reasons
2:05
someone disappears go check it out why
2:08
he’s gone.com and now let’s go back to
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the video
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as a single man what’s your opinion
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on
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someone trying to get on a call before a
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date
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i think it says a lot about where we are
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as a society that we would rather
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actually get ourselves out the door go
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to a date have drinks with someone we
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don’t know a total stranger
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than hear their voice on the phone
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there’s something very odd about that
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well let me ask you this if you met
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someone in london
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and you knew that it’s you could
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actually go out on a date with them this
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weekend would you and they said
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hey why don’t we jump on the phone and
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say hi
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would you then find that intense knowing
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that you might be able to see them as
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soon as this weekend no i feel that
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would give me some comfort and
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reassurance hearing their voice how they
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are on the phone speech patterns do we
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get on is it awkward that would give me
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some re because when you’re first going
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on the date with someone you’ve just
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been texting that is
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the fear is
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oh no we’re gonna get there and realize
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there’s no real chemistry thoughts
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audrey well my thoughts are that if you
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know she specifically said guys that
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she’d met on a dating app and i think
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the reason why 80 of men haven’t
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responded well is because
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to go from talking to someone on a
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dating app to jumping on the phone i
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think can feel a little intense i feel
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like it’s all about the way that you
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graduate in communication so if you go
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from a dating app the next organic step
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feels like adding each other on whatsapp
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or getting each other’s numbers and
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switching to text messages
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um
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the next sort of organic stuff after
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that would be a voice note or or a phone
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call if you are talking a lot and
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there’s a lot of back and forth and you
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you know that they’re sat there
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texting you not doing anything because
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for the next over the last 20 minutes
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that’s what they’ve been doing then it
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makes sense to sort of say
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uh are you free if i call you for five
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minutes or something like that i think
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the intensity comes from
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um not actually having earned the
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level of intimacy where you would just
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jump on the phone because i think i can
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understand how it would feel intrusive
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so i think it’s not about
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the phone call being a bad idea but
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rather
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there being an organic progression
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towards the phone call i think the
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progression matters and many apps are
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encouraging more voice notes now like
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hinge has a thing where you can leave a
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voice note on your profile and a lot of
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people do that now so
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i think
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like warming someone up to we got each
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other’s number and i left you a voice
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note that was 10 seconds on whatsapp
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then it’s like i’ve heard their voice
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they’re a human like me they’re not a
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weirdo that these things do
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you’re having little comfort tests as
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you go and then picking up the phone
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isn’t such a a weird idea yeah or even i
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i always think calling someone when
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you’re on there on the way somewhere and
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you’re just like hey i’m about to uh
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join up with friends uh in a couple of
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minutes i just thought i’d uh say hi
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while i’m walking
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you know that i always think that kind
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of call is much easier even for someone
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else to receive
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then
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for you to be like just at home
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what’s up you know then then there’s no
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time limit on the call but if you say to
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someone hey what’s up i have to go in a
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couple of minutes because i’m meeting up
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with friends but i thought i’d just say
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hi while i’m walking from the station
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that
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that then gives someone the relief of oh
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okay it’s just a couple of minutes and
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oh look they’re busy and they’re doing
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something and so you can have that kind
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of a a phone call i do think there’s a
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difference between
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if you know you can meet up for a quick
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coffee date with someone this week
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then there may be no need for the call
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and in the past i have said that i would
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rather get on a call with someone just
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to be able to find out as you said
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stephen if there is a little bit of
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something
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uh if we get on if there’s a bit of
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banter or a bit of you know just good
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conversation
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but i also acknowledge that coffee isn’t
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that time consuming you don’t have to
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give up a whole evening for a date you
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can just meet someone for a quick coffee
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somewhere and if you do that then
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you don’t necessarily need the phone
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call i do think what gets weird
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is when you’re speaking to someone that
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you have no hope of seeing anytime soon
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either because they’re in a different
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city or a different country
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and
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or they’re traveling right now and
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you’re talking to them
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but
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weeks later you’ve still only texted i
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totally agree that seems weird to me i
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think it’s weak and
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odd and a good as audrey said a good
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graduation a good a good interim step
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is if someone is sending you mess if
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you’ve been texting with someone back
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and forth as a pattern break
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send them a voice note back as an answer
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to one of their questions
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be like hey what’s up i’m just walking
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to meet my friends uh
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basically
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i guess i prefer this because blah blah
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blah blah blah and then you
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you answer your question their question
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by voice note it’s a pattern break
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they’re hearing your voice you stand out
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to them you’re three-dimensional
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and you’re appealing to another one of
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their senses right you’re hearing you’re
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appealing to sound not just or to
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hearing
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not just
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visually through uh a text so that’s a
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nice way of putting yourself on
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someone’s radar and getting them a bit
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more comfortable with you if they hear
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your voice now that feels you feel more
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intimate it feels closer
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and then having the call feels less of a
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big deal as a graduation from that point
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you’re also by the way saying to them
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it’s also okay if you leave me a voice
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note that’s the whole point of the word
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reciprocity and communication when you
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do something you’re also giving someone
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a green light to do that thing with you
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so don’t be afraid of the voice note it
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doesn’t have to be the first thing you
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leave
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but a few messages in if you feel like
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texting has become a little bit
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um
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if there’s been a lot of texting it’s a
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nice way to break the pattern and i
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would like to add as a very small point
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that i think a phone call is a really
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good way to build momentum with someone
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after you have been on a date or a
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couple of dates because
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it almost
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uh links you up in between those times
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and it does make the connection feel
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like it’s progressing in the right
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direction because i think when you go on
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great dates with someone and then you’re
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just texting in between
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it can almost slump yes and i actually
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think the phone call at that point is a
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really useful tool to connect to and
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make you feel closer to that person i
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love that point because it can feel like
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a downgrade i think if we’re going to
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evolve this role at all
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it’s i think it’s what you said matt
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where it’s like it’s not neces i
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wouldn’t necessarily use the phone call
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as like
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the uh testing ground like do we get
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along well enough to go on the coffee
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date i think phone calls have become so
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intrusive i think just because everyone
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gets like robo calls now it just feels
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like it’s
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not necessarily the greatest feeling
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when your phone rings it feels like some
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kind of obligation i would say the most
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important thing is to just earn it so
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like you said audrey
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transfer from
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the dating app to the whatsapp to the
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text to the voice note and when you
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leave a voice note don’t feel like what
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i wouldn’t do is say like in the same
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voice note say hey leave me a voice note
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it’s like no no just leave the voice
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note let it be and you have to kind of
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earn each of those steps as silly as it
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sounds i think we kind of have to evolve
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a little bit with with the times
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don’t overthink the voice note either if
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it sounds too scripted and too thought
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out then it just comes across as a
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little creepy don’t george could stand
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to the voice note
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he would like in the seinfeld george
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costanza would like write notes about
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what he’s going to talk about on the
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phone on his hands but uh yeah don’t
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george could stand to the voice note
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well thank you so much emily for sending
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that in and for
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uh forcing matt to upgrade and evolved
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with the times which i hey i’m always
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happy to do it i think what’s great
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about our content is that it grows with
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us it grows with the times it’s not
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stuck in time and that’s hopefully where
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we build trust and credibility with
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everybody is we’re never never afraid to
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say we don’t agree with ourselves
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absolutely or as steve would say that
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makes us look weak and we should never
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capitulate like that
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i’ve actually it’s funny i’ve actually
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been on many uh you know when i’ve done
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dating apps
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have mostly not called people but it’s
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been nice when we have spoken first on
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the phone but mostly it has been we just
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end up going for coffee it’s not nice if
11:00
you’re a person on a dating app
11:03
pretending to be single
11:05
and you have a girlfriend already
11:08
and then someone starts calling you wow
11:13
and that and you’re with your girlfriend
11:15
that’s a very inconvenient thing to
11:17
happen
11:18
i think you’re gonna have to explain
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where that thought pattern came from
11:22
because it sounded very random he’s the
11:24
master of segway i was thinking well
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when emily sent in this voice note i was
11:28
thinking i bet you some of the guys
11:31
that instantly deleted her
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had a panic
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because they had
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either a girlfriend or they had a little
11:40
more going on in their love lives
11:43
than they wanted they had someone they
11:44
had the potential to hurt and the last
11:47
thing they wanted was their phone
11:48
actually ringing
11:50
wow
11:51
while they were with someone
11:54
wait
11:55
before youtube sends you down the rabbit
11:56
hole of watching raccoon videos or
12:00
videos of
12:02
large crocodiles on florida golf courses
12:04
i have something that will help your
12:06
love life more than these things and
12:08
it’s at why he’s gone.com if you want to
12:10
know why
12:11
someone faded out why they were giving
12:13
you attention and all of a sudden they
12:15
stopped this guide shows you go to why
12:18
he’s gone.com
12:20
and then enjoy
12:22
your baby bear videos
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
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