Think about the first time you said “I love you” to a new partner. Did you say it first? Second? Or did you say it all?
For the one who says it first, the dream is to hear “I love you” spoken back to you right away, passionately and without hesitation. But some people need more time than others to say those three little words. If your partner isn’t ready to say it, not hearing those words could send your mind spinning…
When will they say it? Will they ever? Am I more invested in this relationship than them? Am I missing an emotional connection here? Where is the intimacy I’m craving?
When you really mean it, saying “I love you” is one example of an intimate, vulnerable act. A partner waiting a long time to say the words back may suggest a fear of intimacy, but intimacy is not just about words. It’s about actions. With a fear of intimacy, missing out on these actions can cause small disconnects between you and your partner. And these can add up fast.
A fear of intimacy can show up in many forms in your relationship. If you think you don’t fear intimacy, you might be surprised to know that most of the time, fear of intimacy is unconscious. So, keep reading — you might learn a lot about yourself.
Intimacy is a complex state, but there is lots we can do to understand it and bring it more fully into our lives and relationships.
What is a fear of intimacy?
First, let us define what intimacy is. It’s more than being physically close to someone.
It is about exchanging personal information and feelings with others and responding to them with attentiveness, understanding, and validation.
Only when two people are no longer strangers do they become intimate. In 1982, Rubenstein and Shaver have cataloged 14 features of intimacy:
Openness, honesty, mutual self-disclosure, care, warmth, protection, helpfulness, devotion, mutual attentiveness, mutual commitment, surrender of control, dropping of defenses, emotional attachment, and distress when separation occurs.
We usually think about intimacy in the context of relationships, but really, we should be thinking about intimacy within ourselves. In 1963, the German-American developmental psychologist and psychoanalyst Erikson introduced a new way to see intimacy. He focused on intimacy as a potential within an individual, not a quality of a romantic couple.
Studies have shown that intimacy in relationships leads to greater well-being. But for some people, intimate relationships evoke fear and anxiety. What is this “fear of intimacy”?
When we fear intimacy, we find it challenging to be physically or emotionally close to others. It leads to complicated relationships with lovers as well as with friends, family and colleagues. But in reality, a fear of intimacy is a mirror to the real self. When we’ve built up defenses around ourselves, it shows that we’re not comfortable with who we are. We can’t be vulnerable with others. Men and women who experience a fear of intimacy often struggle to understand and accept themselves.
Having a fear of intimacy has nothing to do with not wanting love, yet the moment someone is getting closer to us and offers us love, we feel uncomfortable. Something inside us won’t trust this love and we’ll push it away.
The fear of intimacy comes from us not having a secure attachment
A secure attachment is what forms when we are babies or children. Whenever we expressed discontent, discomfort or hurt, a parent came in, soothed us and let us know that what we felt was normal. They validated our feelings and they comforted us. That’s how we form a secure attachment.
An insecure attachment — avoidant or anxious — is when we cried or expressed discontent and a parent didn’t show up. They weren’t around or said things like, “oh, he’ll cry it out.” On the other hand, if we had smothering parents, they might have worried too much about how we felt and we might have picked up on their anxiety.
Emotions are dangerous
When we grow up with an insecure attachment, we think that our emotions are not okay. We end up with thoughts like:
- “No one is going to come to my rescue. Maybe I’m making this up? Maybe I don’t have the right to feel this way”;
- “I’m going to burden my parents so much. It’s going to be so stressful if I express what’s actually happening”.
In both cases, the only safe way to exist is not to feel any of these emotions. We bury our feelings deep within ourselves and hope they go away. And by the time we’re adults, we’ve never had a good experience with feelings and it becomes scary to let these emotions out.
Of course, there are other factors that damage the ability to trust others as adults, regardless of a child’s secure attachment style. A sexual, physical or emotional trauma or personality disorder increases a fear of intimacy.
Men and women who struggle with a fear of intimacy don’t usually know that they do
It usually takes a while to recognize this is something that someone struggles with. And it only tends to come out through work or romantic relationships. If you have any of the signs below, you might have a fear of intimacy:
#1: You need to maintain your independence and freedom at all costs
You’re often on high alert for any signs of control or infringement on your territory by your partner. Maybe you say things such as “I need a lot of space” or “I could never be with someone who isn’t completely self-sufficient.”;
#2: You feel uncomfortable with too much closeness, even though you want to be close to others
You use distancing strategies such as sleeping in a different bed as your partner or living in a separate household for years;
#3: You tend not to open up to your partners
You have difficulties talking about what’s going on and certain topics are off-limits. For example, you’ve been with your partner for a while now, but you haven’t said “I love you.” Your partner often complains that you are emotionally distant;
#3: During a disagreement, you need to get away or you explode
You seek to remain distant and have difficulty understanding your partner’s views or feelings. You might say things like, “You know what, forget it. I don’t want to talk about it.” ;
#4: You describe yourself as a free spirit who has short relationships and multiple conquests
When you are in a relationship, you tend not to worry about your partner’s feelings or commitment toward you.
When you’ve identified that you have a fear of intimacy, you can work on overcoming it
By doing so, you’ll increase your sense of self-worth and lower your stress level. Here are three actions you can take to work on your fear of intimacy:
#1: Reconnect with your emotions.
Your emotions are like a compass. They are always telling you about what’s going on within you. If you’re thinking a thought, your emotions will always be reflecting the way you feel. They’ll let you know exactly where you stand at all times. It doesn’t matter if the feelings are reflective of a thought or a perception that is accurate or not.
Learning to feel after unconsciously choosing to cut off your emotions begins with a conscious decision. Once you take this decision, you can slowly start reconnecting with your feelings. A good start is to dig deeper when you catch yourself saying, “I’m fine” or “I’m okay.” What are you experiencing that you don’t want to see? You can’t dismiss your own feelings without doing the same to other people around you. Accept your emotions as they arise without judgment.
Once you learn what emotions you’re experiencing, practice communicating them to the other people in your life. Consider this a process of re-owning your truth. With dedication, it will become easier to both recognize, accept and express your feelings.
#2: Practice reading the emotions of others.
Many people who struggle with a fear of intimacy have a hard time reading other people.
Make a dedicated practice of noticing social cues. When you believe you won’t be accepted by others and close yourself off, you’ll live in a self-centered sphere that creates a negative pattern. You’ll either ignore or dismiss subtle — and not so subtle — cues from other people all the time and you’ll ignore their feelings. You’ll reproduce what your parents have done to you.
In every social interaction, practice reading others’ emotions. Check in with them about whether what you are perceiving is accurate or not. I encourage you to have a trusted friend, family member or loved one who you can bounce this off as you practice. The more we practice, the better you’ll get and the quicker you’ll be able to recognize the emotions of others.
#3: Notice when a disconnection with people occurs.
Do you sometimes have a sensation of being just a brain without a body, wandering all over the place? It’s an indication that you’re disconnected.
When you’re disconnected, people around you will always reflect that back to you and be the carrier of the feelings you are trying to suppress. Here’s what I mean: let’s say you feel rage in your body and you’re disconnecting from that. People who you are interacting with will likely pick up on that and amplify your hidden feelings. They become the carrier of your rage.
Start now by noticing how other people respond to you with anxiety, neediness or rage when you disconnect. Disconnection from the people who you perceive to be causing those feelings is not an escape from the feelings themselves. When you are terrified of strong emotions, force yourself to be present while practicing calming techniques. Let yourself embrace these feelings. It’s the only way not to create a vicious spiral of lost connection with the person you genuinely want to connect with.
Bonus: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Working on the previous three actions is a good start, but it might not be enough. Because a fear of intimacy is linked to difficult childhood experiences, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) seems to be an appropriate type of therapy to heal from fear of intimacy.
The rewards of intimacy in life and love
Thinking about the role intimacy plays in your relationships means first looking inward at your own actions and feelings, but intimacy is a two-way street.
If you think your partner may have a fear of intimacy, check in with them about the relationship. Try to create an open dialogue and discuss what you feel the two of you are missing. Like Erikson said, intimacy is a potential within the individual — but this potential definitely affects both parties in a relationship.
Supporting your partner as you move toward more intimacy is great, but there is only so much you can encourage another person. If you have done the work yourself, you should be able to use your intimacy tools, connect with yourself and your emotions, and decide whether pursuing the relationship is best for your health and well-being.
A life of intimacy means one of love, communication, and trust. You can embrace this way of living regardless of your relationship status. In a relationship, intimacy enables you to feel secure, accepted, and understood. On your own, it brings you openness to connect, self-esteem, and self-love. If your life is full of intimacy, even the little moments can feel as good as hearing “I love you” back.
—
Previously published on medium
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want a deeper connection with our community, please join us as a Premium Member today.
Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: by Becca Tapert on Unsplash