Three Biggest Red Flags in Dating — And Why You Always Ignore Them

I’m sick of seeing those dating Reels/Shorts that romanticize red flags. They aren’t cute.

Being in a toxic relationship isn’t cute.

If you could turn back the time, would you still stay even after you saw the red flags?

We only realized our mistake when it was over. When it has successfully destroyed ourselves and our self-esteem.

The good thing is, we can learn from them. We know we shouldn’t take it lightly when red flags come up in the early stage of the relationship.

1. Emotional abuse — no matter how small it might seem

When I asked my mom if she ever knew from the beginning that her first marriage would be nothing but full of abuse, she said yes. The signs were all there.

She chose to ignore them because well, a man can always change right? She’s wrong after all. He never changed.

When you see a bad sign such as emotional abuse in an early relationship, you shouldn’t take it with a grain of salt. Gaslighting you, making you feel small, and calling you names aren’t cool.

Telling yourself it’s normal and hoping that this person will change as time goes by are setting you up for an emotional disaster.

2. A sign of dishonesty

He told me he was looking for a serious relationship and I believed him. But the strange thing happened when he couldn’t stop talking about his ex.

I thought he just needed more time to get over her. I was willing to wait until he fully committed.

From the outside, this seemed like nothing but commitment issues — just like how men in general.

But looking back now, after all the pain I went through by being with him, it’s clear that he created lies after lies. He made me believe that he wanted to be with me while clearly, he hasn’t moved on from his ex.

The action didn’t match and I should’ve seen it sooner.

When someone is comfortable creating lies around you, the whole relationship is already doomed. You shouldn’t normalize it.

I’m damn sure you’ll cut that friend off if you find out she’s a big liar but how is it OK when it’s your partner who does that?

Just because you think this person is the love of your life?

3. Lack of respect and appreciation

My therapist once told me that when a couple doesn’t have admiration for each other — the relationship is going in the wrong direction.

When your partner doesn’t have nice things to say about you then something isn’t right.

It’s a giant red flag you can’t ignore. Many people think respect and appreciation don’t matter until they run on empty.

Committing to making a relationship work will be hard but that doesn’t mean it’s OK not being appreciated or constantly being put down by your partner.

People don’t realize it but all those signs usually came up in the early stage of dating too. When their partner flirted with the waitress in front of them or demanded them to be more like this or that.

And never acknowledging what went right.

It doesn’t matter how much in love you’re, if it’s only you who sees the good in your partner and not vice versa, then heartbreak is inevitable.

Why do you always ignore them?

It’s not like you don’t know what gaslighting is and how you shouldn’t tolerate lying behavior.

The answer usually lies in how we perceive love and relationships. We also think that’s all we deserve.

Even if we see clearly how things aren’t going to change or get healthier, we still stay.

I didn’t see being in a fulfilling relationship as possible because I never got to see examples of them. That’s why I normalized bad behaviors all the time because I thought I didn’t deserve better.

If you’re in this phase, here are the things you can do to change your beliefs and your overall look at what a healthy relationship looks like:

• When you keep falling for bad people, pay attention to the pattern and when usually it happens. for example, you fall for that one guy who’s bad for you when you feel insecure about yourself.
• Seek new perspectives. Avoid being stubborn and think your ways of looking at a relationship are the right ones.
• If you have the budget, sign up for therapy sessions. They wouldn’t change your mindset overnight but at least they help you by asking the right questions so you can grow.

But what do you do when you’re exactly in this early stage of a relationship yet you’ve seen red flags?

Look, before you decide to pack your stuff and walk away, you also need to know why you make this decision.

Because if you aren’t clear on that, things will likely happen again in the future.

That’s how some people just jump from one bad relationship to another.

At the end of the day, it’s not always about knowing when to walk away and actually doing it but also realizing what it takes to build a healthy relationship.

Until then, you’ll just gonna run in the circle. It all starts with you.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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