Have you been single for a while despite your efforts to meet people? Things just did not work out with anyone? Do you have the same relationship patterns repeating themselves? You might be into flaky people, emotionally distant people, people with commitment issues. You might be the person who is afraid to show emotions. Either way, if you don’t want to be stuck doing the same things over and over again; it is time to take a look at the root causes of your singledom. Instead of beating yourself up, let’s dive in!
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1. You do not care for or respect yourself enough.
The way others treat you has everything to do with how you treat yourself. You have to be able to put yourself and your mental health first, to respect yourself and set clear boundaries. If you take care of yourself, others will be excited about the prospect of taking care of you.
The way others treat you has everything to do with how you treat yourself.
Shower yourself with attention, emotionally, and physically. Respect your body enough to eat healthily, cultivate habits that make you feel energized. Do not be hard on yourself. People with low self-esteem tend to be hard on themselves. Talk to yourself as you would to a dear friend.
If you don’t believe me: try it for a month. Do not go on dates during the one month. Self-love, self-respect and self-compassion are on the menu, baby!
Listen to your gut feelings, and slowly sort out things that do not align with you. Sleep, work hard, get rid of bad habits step by step. It won’t happen from one day to the other, but you will become radiant like a barrel of uranium. I promise.
If you take care of yourself, others will be excited about the prospect of taking care of you.
Experiment and get back to me if you started attracting people with healthier relationship attitudes.
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2. You are afraid to invest emotionally and to be vulnerable.
There is no intimacy without opening up. It will be uncomfortable, but you have to learn to sit with being uncomfortable. There is no growth without it. Trusting your partner with your heart, being vulnerable and trusting they won’t hurt you. And if they do, be okay with that too. It is part of being human.
We can’t only have highs. Share the real you, even if you are afraid they won’t like your more polarising opinions, your weird habits. It is, after all, but a form of taking a risk to achieve a higher goal.
There is no intimacy without opening up.
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3. You have ludicrous expectations.
Did you ever ditch a date because of a disagreement? Not all differences signal incompatibility. You may be surprised that the person you ditched after a date because of a “dealbreaker” could be right for you. If you have ever been on dates where you felt like you were being interviewed for the position of a significant other, you know what I mean. Or are you the person who has a mental list of characteristics for the ONE? Do you dream of a partner who scored a Forbes cover, has a flawless body, but can still enjoy life, and volunteers to build water wells in Subsaharan Africa in their spare time?
Instead of looking for the perfect partner, become the partner of your dreams!
If you feel like you don’t want to “settle” until you find this perfect partner, you might have delusional expectations. Instead of looking for the perfect partner, become the partner of your dreams!
The other type of absurd expectation is when you expect the undivided attention of someone you started seeing. We are all guilty of these on some level; the key is to recognize.
Not all differences signal incompatibility.
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In the end, it all comes down to being open, healthy communication and relentlessly working on ourselves. If you have unresolved trauma from past relationships, take a break from dating. Remember, nothing comes to you by forcing it. Lastly, therapy is a form of self-care, don’t be shy to get guidance on your journey to becoming your best self.
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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.
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Photo credit: Davids Kokainis on Unsplash