So many things change once a baby arrives. We are turned into parents within a second. Entirely and invariably. We will never be non-parents anymore. Ever.
Diving into parenthood is overwhelming. It is hard and magical at the same time. For some it is natural, for others it takes longer getting used to. Every day, maybe every hour feels like a challenge.
As for many, there were plenty of things I needed a long time to adjust to. I would say those were the normal baby-caring challenges that people face. Exhaustion, witch’s hours, sleep, diaper changes, the list goes on. I’m sure you can relate.
But this is not a list of the hardships of parenting. It is a list of changes in my everyday life that I didn’t expect would happen. They surprised me and profoundly affected my life for years to come.
1. The shift in the relationship with my husband
The way that the relationship with my husband has changed is probably the most unexpected development. I have heard stories about how having a baby is hard on a relationship (and how many of them don’t survive this change). It certainly is, but I would not claim that our relationship has suffered. Nevertheless, it is not the same.
My husband and I have always been a great team. We had been together for 10 years prior to having a baby and went through a lot of life-changing events. We took care of each other in the cutest ways, and could never imagine (and still can’t) a life without having each other.
My husband is also a great father and partner for raising our baby. But a lot has changed in the dynamics of our relationship. We had always helped each other in everything before. But suddenly, when it came to nursing the baby I was alone (not that I blame him). He stopped helping with night wakings because he needed to sleep for work (also a valid reason). I had to accept that he wouldn’t take care of me when I was sick because he needed to be there for our son. We had to let our little moments, like watching The Friends together, go. When one of us would have time to catch up, the other one would be exhausted. Caring for our son has become a number one priority for both of us.
We both had to accept that we were not able to be there for each other in the same capacity as before.
This was very new to me and certainly unexpected. However, we have managed to adjust and transform our relationship from the “babyless couple” to the “parents.” We found new ways to show care for each other.
I still wonder if being together for such a long time before having a baby is a good thing. So many years of accumulated traditions that define our relationship have to suddenly be replaced and adjusted. Maybe a shorter relationship would adjust to these changes easier?
2. A new perception of the night
Night always used to be the time for sleep, as I’m sure is for most of us. Besides the occasional voluntary decision to do something else, we slow down in the evening, get ready for sleep, and go to bed.
With the arrival of our baby, my perception of the night changed drastically. The night does not equal sleep anymore.
And I don’t mean that I am surprised at how little sleep I get. I knew that comes with having a baby. What I mean is how the night is now defined in my brain. When the sun sets or the time is late, I do get ready for bed, but not with the expectation of sleep as before. Because parenting does not stop at night, and our son really likes to take advantage of that.
For me, night has become a time when I get more rest than during the day. Then, if some sleep happens, I consider it a win. This may sound depressing, but it really doesn’t feel that way. I do wonder, however, if this will ever change back to normal. I certainly hope it will.
“A sleeping baby is really good at doing the one thing you don’t get to do anymore.” — Linda Poindexter
3. My own strength
I am not a morning person, never have been. I love to sleep. In the first two weeks, it was always my husband who got up during the night to take care of our baby and only brought him to me for nursing. However, the time came when he couldn’t do it anymore. It became my task. And what surprised me was that I could do it. Granted, I would still prefer sleeping, but not at the expense of not being there for my son. And the same applies to any other challenging situation.
The unconditional love that fills my whole being every time my son looks at me, holds my hand, or smiles, is indescribable. It doesn’t even matter that my basic needs are not met. In those moments, nothing else matters.
It’s so interesting how we are programmed to survive and thrive as parents. Whatever is needed, we do it, we persevere. No matter how much we think we can’t go on, the bond with our child will keep us there for them and we discover the power that lies deep within us. The power we didn’t even know we had. Parenting is indeed the most rewarding challenge.
These are the three most surprising things I had never thought would happen, regardless of how much I prepared for motherhood. They hadn’t even entered my mind.
But if parenting has taught me anything, it is that I can learn so much from our child about myself, my relationships, and the world. Surely, we all do. I am excited to keep experiencing this journey and can’t wait for the next surprising discoveries I’ll stumble upon.
Love to all,
Dominika
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash
