My husband doesn’t make my coffee anymore.
Every night for years, he put the grounds in the coffee machine and set it on auto-brew, so it would be steaming and ready when I woke up. These days, however, I stumble out of bed, throw yesterday’s nasty grounds into the trash, and start a pot myself.
It’s not a big deal for me to do this, but for a long time, I resented my husband for failing to keep up this considerate gesture.
You’re probably asking yourself why I had such a dramatic response to such a small action. I asked myself the same thing.
However, the psychology behind my feelings became clear when my brother and sister-in-law were preparing to marry. They’d been attending counseling sessions with their pastor, and he’d required them to read Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts.
When I asked them about the book, they explained its main premise was each person has one of five “love languages” that makes them feel most truly loved. They are:
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
I took the quiz, and my language was Acts of Service.
Suddenly, I understood the coffee issue. It was the fact that when my husband made the coffee for me, I felt cherished and cared for. It was a sign of his love for me, and when that sign was taken away, so was the certainty of his affection.
When this realization hit home, I began to think more about Chapman’s languages. In the end, I began to see they were not only the key to a happy marriage but also the foundation for loving and being loved by all people.
The secret to being a person people adore
Think about the people you want to be around most. They probably speak nurturing words or take the initiative to do kind things that make you feel special. They may also sacrifice their time or money just to put a smile on your face.
As Harold Kushner writes:
“One of the basic needs of every human being is the need to be loved, to have our wishes and feelings taken seriously, to be validated as people who matter.”
Long story short, there’s no need to take quizzes to find out how to make a person love you. The secret is to incorporate a mixture of Chapman’s languages. I’ve chosen three to discuss that you can apply to everyone.
By incorporating elements of these languages in your interactions with others, I promise you’ll gain more friends, develop closer bonds with co-workers, and build intimacy with your partner, children, and family.
Words of Affirmation
Author J. K. Rowling writes:
“Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it.”
There’s not a human being alive who hasn’t experienced something that shredded their joy into tiny pieces, and these things often leave open wounds that never fully heal.
This is why people need words of affirmation. Some naysayers might say this need for validation from others is a sign of weakness, but it’s not.
It’s a sign of being human.
That’s why your words of reassurance can go a long way towards bonding you to others.
What you can do:
- Put a sticky note on a co-worker’s computer. Your note could be a few simple words telling them they’re wonderful to work with or a comment stating their latest work presentation “rocked.” If you have a special relationship with the co-worker, you could also choose to put an inspirational quote or note related to some personal issue they’ve been dealing with.
- Send a random text or video to your friend, lover, or children, telling them how much you value them.
- Get a card and put it in your mother or father’s mailbox. Explain how much you love them and the difference they’ve made in your life.
- Do the same for your husband or partner, except put the note on their windshield or in their driver’s seat.
I’m sure you have your own special words of affirmation to say, but here’s a link to an article in Parade. It lists one hundred and twenty-five ideas to help you get started.
Acts of Service
People will always believe what you do, and for many people, your behavior speaks more loudly than your words. After all, it’s much clearer to people that they’re appreciated and valued when others do small things that show they care.
For example, a fellow teacher knows my daughter loves honeybuns, so at least three or four times a semester, I’ll walk into my room to find three boxes of them. This co-worker’s random acts of kindness have made our relationship much closer.
The truth is your likeability will skyrocket when you do things that show people they truly matter.
Just remember that your actions don’t need to be grand, just thoughtful.
What you can do:
- Buy your Starbucks-addicted co-worker a cup of coffee and bring it to work for them.
- Bring your husband an icy-cold cup of water when he’s out mowing the lawn.
- Offer to take the office newbie out for lunch, so they feel less alienated and alone.
- Take care of an errand for a friend, lover, or co-worker who’s exhausted or overwhelmed.
- Take your child out for ice cream if they’ve been struggling at school. The fact that you planned this treat just for them will make them feel comforted and loved.
These are small things, but there are a thousand other acts of service you can do if you brainstorm for a while.
Note: Make it personal.
The more you know about a person’s personal or professional strengths and weaknesses, likes or dislikes, problems or challenges, the more memorable the act will be.
Receiving Gifts
“It’s not how much we give, but how much love we put into giving.” — Mother Theresa
There are a million and one ways to show someone you care for them without shelling out a penny.
However, small gifts can go a long way toward creating or sustaining close relationships with others.
The good news is the best gifts often require little to no financial output, so depending on how much you want (or don’t want) to spend, here are some ideas.
What you can do:
- Go to your office vending machine and buy your frazzled co-worker a drink and a snack to help them power through the day,
- If you know your co-worker loves pizza, and your family ordered it last night, save a slice and bring it to work for their lunch.
- Surprise your partner with two tickets to a movie they’ve wanted to see. If you have children, go ahead and plan for a babysitter so the event will be hassle-free.
- Go to the dollar tree, get a gift bag, and buy a few things that will provide a “pick me up” for a co-worker, family member, friend, or lover. For example, your bag could include items like a candle, bubble bath, favorite snacks, or any small “something” to make them laugh or feel pampered.
- Pick some flowers from your garden and buy a cheap vase from the dollar store. Put them on your friend’s doorstep before they get up or get home from work.
- Go to the movie theater and buy the extra buttery popcorn your children love. Bring it home, and then watch their favorite movie with them.
- Have your partner’s favorite meal delivered to their workplace.
There are many ways to show your affection through small acts of giving. Once again, it all boils down to knowing the needs and desires of the person your gift is going to. Whether you choose a grand gift or a small token of appreciation, the result will be the same. They’ll know you cared enough to make an effort, and they’ll love you for it.
The bottom line:
Hada Bejar states:
“The fragrance always stays in the hand that gives the rose.”
While it’s a beautiful thing to be loved and adored, something much more wonderful will happen for you when you spread kindnesses such as those in Chapman’s book. For one, you’ll fall in love with yourself, and that, my friend, is the one true fan club you need more than anything.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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