To Anyone Trying to Find Love

Let’s start with a question that might sting a little: Why is it that when we try to find someone to love, we end up searching for someone else when we’ve had ourselves all along? It’s a strange paradox, isn’t it? We spend so much time scrolling through dating apps, going on awkward first dates, or replaying past heartbreaks in our minds, all while ignoring the one person who’s been there the entire time — ourselves.

The truth is, we often start looking for love from the wrong place. And if you’re reading this, whether you’re healing from a breakup, have been single for what feels like forever, or have never been in a relationship, this is for you.

Let’s get real for a moment. Oftentimes, we feel like we’re not good enough. Or maybe we’re terrified of getting hurt again. Or perhaps we’ve convinced ourselves that we’re too good, that no one could ever make us feel the way we want to feel. And you know what? All of those reasons are valid.

But here’s the thing: how we think about love — thanks to movies, social media, and the endless stream of online relationship content — has given us a distorted view of love. It’s either portrayed as this effortless, fairy-tale romance that magically falls into place, or it’s painted as this toxic, soul-crushing experience that leaves us wondering why anyone would ever want to be in a relationship in the first place.

Think about it. When someone goes through a breakup, what do they do? They post a video or a tweet about how much pain they’re in, how awful their ex was, and how they’ll never trust anyone again.

And after watching that, why would anyone want to put themselves in that position? It’s no wonder so many of us are hesitant to open our hearts. But here’s the kicker: love isn’t supposed to be easy, and it’s not supposed to be a nightmare either. It’s somewhere in between. And the key to finding it starts with you.

Let me be clear — I’m not coming at this from a place of bitterness or loneliness. As I write this, I’m in a happy, fulfilling relationship. But before this, I went through my fair share of self-discovery. I didn’t go on a million dates or have a laundry list of exes.

Instead, I took the time to figure out who I was, what I loved doing, and who I loved being around. That way, when someone special came into my life, I wasn’t left scrambling to figure out who I was or what I wanted. I already knew.

So, let’s play a little game. Why are you single? Is it because you think you’re not good enough? Is it because you think dating is a waste of time? Is it because you’ve convinced yourself that the gender you’re attracted to is “trash”? Or is it because, deep down, finding someone isn’t truly what you want right now? When we’re constantly searching for someone to love, the right person never seems to come along.

Scrolling through hundreds of profiles on a dating app or forcing yourself to go on dates out of desperation isn’t the answer. Love works differently for everyone and the way you find it might not look like anyone else’s journey.

Here’s the hard truth: when I was searching for someone to love, I was craving love and affection so badly that I would’ve accepted it from anyone who walked through the door. But nothing stuck. No one stayed. And honestly, I didn’t want them to. Why? Because I was searching for the wrong reasons.

When we’re not content with ourselves, when we’re not fully comfortable in our skin, we adapt to whoever walks into our lives. We stop being who we are. We stop doing the things we love. We morph into this version of ourselves that fits the relationship, and in doing so, we lose the very essence of who we are. And guess what? That’s usually when the relationship ends because we’re no longer the person they fell in love with.

Now, let’s get personal. Being in a relationship isn’t the ultimate goal. Being single isn’t a bad thing at all. Sure, your single friends might joke about being lonely, but here’s the plot twist: you can be just as lonely in a relationship if it’s with the wrong person. And to me, that’s far more terrifying than being alone.

When I was single after my first tough breakup, I took a lot of time to be alone. I dated here and there, but I also isolated myself and focused on doing things that brought me joy. For example, I realized I didn’t even know what foods made me feel good. Some days I’d eat something and feel great, other days I’d feel awful. I was so focused on finding someone that I wasn’t even listening to my own body.

And it wasn’t just about food. It was about everything — sports, music, hobbies, interests. I had to relearn what I loved. But the biggest thing I discovered was that I value friendship more than I value romantic love. In a friendship, you don’t get anything out of it other than the connection itself, and that’s the hardest thing to find.

So, when I decided to date again, I knew it had to be with someone I could be best friends with. Someone who aligned with my values and my way of life. Some people might think that’s shallow, but here’s the thing: it’s your life. You’re allowed to like what you like. You’re allowed to love what you love. Don’t love someone just because the internet says you need to love everyone.

We don’t need to love everyone in this world — we need to be kind, compassionate, and respectful. But when it comes to romantic love, the one thing you have to focus on is loving yourself first.

Because here’s the secret: when you love yourself, the right people will gravitate toward you. They’ll see the light you radiate when you’re comfortable in your skin. They’ll be drawn to the confidence that comes from knowing who you are and what you want.

So, if you’re single right now, don’t rush. You’re exactly where you need to be. Stay true to yourself. Stay beautiful. And remember, the love you’re searching for starts with you.

So, take a deep breath. Put down the dating app for a second. Stop replaying your past mistakes or worrying about the future. Instead, focus on the present. Focus on you.

Because when you do, everything else will fall into place. And when the right person comes along, you’ll be ready — not because you were searching for them, but because you were busy becoming the best version of yourself.

Love will find you. But first, it starts with you.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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