Carmen Colon wants her sons to never underestimate the importance of giving up a relationship that isn’t working.
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My dear sons, I’ve spent years trying to help leave you with tips and tools on how NOT to give up or give in. After all, it’s the individuals who push beyond their fears that come out successful or at least fulfilled at the other end. Well, I mean all of that. When you dream, you dream big, you dream far, you envision the impossible and then you use your own heart and mind to get you there. I tell you this so that you don’t make the mistake of hedging all your bets on another human being’s actions.
And here in lies the rub, as they say. We put so much importance on the views and opinions of others that we turn over the very power and essence of who we are. Love is a powerful thing and it is fine when we come across those individuals who inspire us, who motivate us – who is Mom trying to kid here – who excite us and get us hot and bothered under the collar! Anyway, as you know Mom is a loving creature. Goodness, so loving that if love were currency, I’d have my own mint and sadly I’d always be broke. You all know how I love, I shower you with it every day. In fact you three are probably the only people on earth who understand Mom’s brand of love. To love unconditionally, completely, without need to define it is such a rare thing for some people.
Why Mom is an “all or nothing” kind of woman, I have no idea. Your Mom is not a quitter but when the feelings begin to change, when the gut is telling you, “Danger Will Robinson! Danger! Danger!” then Mom should extricate herself from her emotions. You’ve seen me in my major relationship mode, you’ve seen me hand over my heart a couple of times and you’ve seen me be vulnerable and afraid. The older I got the more I had hoped to be able to protect my heart by being practical and realistic.
When is love ever right? Oh there will be times that things are going so well that you feel you are the main character in a fairy tale, where you feel you personify the Prince Charming. In the beginning, love always feels good. It is truly like oxygen to a dying soul. Everything seems possible when a person ignites your mind and body. But all those feelings could be explained away scientifically.
I’ve seen each of you in love and I was so afraid that you’d gotten this from me, and I am so overjoyed that you are so much better at gauging your heart-o-meter than I am. There has been heart break but our late night moments of truth have not been as painful or fearful as I had thought they would be. You have all acquired the much-needed ability to see when things are not as they seem and when you have to cut your losses and move on, without seeing that dream of romantic bliss be realized. You are all so much more stronger than me.
I can count on one hand and still have digits to spare on the number of times I’d handed my heart to another human being – given up control of a better part of me, as an offering of my love for that soul. Well, you’ve seen it trampled on a couple of times and you’ve seen it appear at first to be a really great match. In the course of my relationships, there were times where decisions on how to move forward needed to be made. After all, there were two souls trying to make their lives work, then the really hard work about love took place. Compromise, sacrifice, commitment. Words that can drive the strongest of wills to drink and go mad. What’s an overly imaginative, closet romantic, to do? QUIT.
Yes, quit. After years of thinking that I had to ratchet up some serious bonus notches so that the other person would have no option but to fall as madly in love with me, I have come to realize that if I had given half of that love to myself I’d see that my love interest was really not the one. I would have spared myself some serious heartache.
There is nothing more lonely than wanting to be noticed by someone who is sitting right across from you and they don’t. You don’t ever want to know what that feels like. So, rather than pine away wishing someone gave you more, you should quit. Take care of your heart, your mind and everything else you were just too willing to give the lucky individual, for anyone would be blessed to be loved by any one of you. Save yourselves for the ones that look at you as if you’ve made their day and the ones who want to meet you in the middle under that waterfall.
Do not pass go, do not collect bad feelings or land into months of emotional jail.
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So yes, quit. “Get the hell out of Dodge”. Everyone is worth loving and I’m sure the love interest is a great person but you must put yourself first. Quit trying to make a fairy tale out of an instant. Appreciate the small memory that seemed effortless. Do not pass go, do not collect bad feelings or land into months of emotional jail. Some don’t deserve it and some were only meant to boost your spirit and give you a memory for a moment and nothing more.
So love. Don’t create parameters for it, that’s no fun and do give it all you’ve got. Any soul would be blessed in having you love them if I do say so myself. Don’t settle and don’t waste time on people not sure or ready to receive your love. Sometimes quitting isn’t so bad you see, in fact it’s downright freeing. I’m so blessed to know this and glad I can share it with you.
Photo: Flickr/Katie Tegtmeyer
Originally appeared at Carmen M Colon
Love this piece, thank you. I struggle with letting people I love go. But as you say, this is more about showing love to myself than lack of love to someone else.
such a great read, i totally agree with this …because the energy around us in our lifes make a difference on how we live our lives…
Bravo. When staying in something is destroying your self worth, it’s always time to leave. I like to say, “Getting out is not giving up on someone else when staying is giving up on yourself.”
Thank you Carmen! This was really refreshing to read… As a new mom I have already had thoughts about the “late night moments of truth” that are just bound to happen. You always hope the heart ache won’t be to painful.
Thank you, Carmen!
Brilliant Mom, shaking a stone out of your shoe isn’t quitting…
If it’s bad now, wait until the mortgage is late or oops I’m pregnant.
Settling for almost good enough is quitting on one’s self…
Maybe I’m missing the point, but I hear you saying that when the going gets tough, it is time to quit. Are you teaching your boys that when relationships start to require work, as they all do, they should give up? When your relationship partner does not meet your expectations, it is time to trade him or her in? I’m glad my wife didn’t take that attitude when our marriage hit the rocks. It was tough, it sucked, it was hell for both of us…but we worked at it and found our way back to each other. And now our… Read more »
Actually no. What I am saying is that relationships at their very basis should not require people to change for it. Love shouldn’t change people, even if circumstances change.
The misconception is to stay in, do all one can to save it and that includes changing themselves – that in itself is incorrect. That is when walking away is best. It truly is best said that some loves are meant for a season. Beyond that season shortchanges both parties.
“The misconception is to stay in, do all one can to save it and that includes changing themselves – that in itself is incorrect. That is when walking away is best.” Except when it’s not best. We both had some changing to do, like everyone we had flaws, hurts, crap, idiosyncrasies, that we brought to the relationship. Over many years we neglected ourselves, and each other… textbook problems, textbook resentment, textbook growing apart. We each needed to change for ourselves, to bring our best to all our relationships, and each other. We both learned to love ourselves, and bring our… Read more »
Hi Wait, what?
I think that the magic words in your story are ” WE worked through it” (emphasize mine).
And I think that what Carmen is saying is just that. If the relationship needs change, you must both agree and be willing to work on it. Time to quit is when your partner doesn’t see you, doesn’t recognize or even notice the effort you put in, and/or don’t think any adjustments (on their part) is necessary.
Yes, very much agreed…
…and our life together is AMAZING. Neither of us feel like we are settling for “almost good enough.” It is more like, “Wow, we almost threw THIS away, what were we thinking?”
I know a couple of people who run when things get tough…from jobs, relationships, any situation. And they certainly don’t seem happy, seem to always be searching for happiness and wondering why they can’t find it…I would say it is there if you are willing to be open to it and look within yourself to see what is holding you back.
We shouldn’t change to meet our partner’s expectations, but we can change what we expect of the other–I understand this does not apply to abusive relationships, of course. There is nothing wrong with learning and changing what we each bring to a relationship, learning how to give our best to those around us…and if both partners are willing to do this, there’s not much you can’t get past.
Carmen, thanks so much for the right on article. I have been saying this for years. People loose themselves in relationships and cannot find themselves if it does not work out. You cannot force someone to love you or love you the way you love them. If it doesn’t work, let it go, don’t be angry because everyone is not for everyone. Great article, keep up the good advice and writing.
Love is complicated and not simple. When it’s right, it is special in so many ways. But like you say, you can’t force it and it ends up hurting if you do.
Thank you Larry. Yes it is but when it’s right, it’s worth it.
This was awesome. A blueprint for every parent to their child. Bravo.
Thank you AG!
This is spot-on. People as individuals are complex add another and it can become chaos. The process of learning and growing into or out of it is a must do. Far from easy but that’s why there are Mom’s, family, friends, therapists and prayer. To help you ease through.
Great job Carmen!
Thank you so much!