Before we our son was born, my wife and I had many a discussion about how we’d raise him. One such discussion was regarding discipline—specifically, spanking. I was for it and she was against it. Neither one of us was going to bend.
Our son is three years old now and nothing has changed.
I first spanked Will shortly before he turned two. He developed a nasty habit of standing in the dog’s water bowl and fiddling with the electrical cover outlets (which he deftly learned to remove). We tried telling him that was bad and “positively redirecting” him towards another activity. Then we performed the ever popular time-out. At one point we broke down and simply begged him not to do it because we were worried about him getting hurt.
Nothing worked.
Then one day I came around the corner and saw him with his index finger inches away from the outlet, poised for insertion. I ran over out of instinct, pulled him away and gave him a swift swat on the backside.
He hasn’t done it since.
I know spanking will forever be a hot topic. And frankly I can see both sides. My wife is of the belief that hitting solves nothing under any circumstances. I get that. After all, I’ve also spanked Will when he purposefully hit others after being issued several warnings not to. Her contention that hitting him as a punishment for hitting others is counterproductive is valid.
But I’m still going to include spanking as one of the tools in my parental arsenal.
I use spanking as a last resort when all else has failed. I hate doing it. Anyone who enjoys spanking their kid is a sicko. But sometimes, with certain kids, it’s effective. I say certain kids because the decision to spank a child has to be taken on a case-by-case basis. You can give some kids a stern talking to or a timeout and they learn the lesson. With others, if you spank them their behavior could just get worse. You need to know your child and do what you think will be most effective.
With my son Will, timeouts will usually do the trick. But there are instances when they just don’t cut it. Sending him to his room with all of his toys doesn’t do a whole lot of good, and taking away his favorite toy only seems to have an effect for a couple of minutes while the bad behavior continues. So if all the usual methods of discipline have failed and he’s still being awful, he might get a smack on the butt. Nothing that’s going to leave a mark or really hurt him, but more like a surprising jolt that gets his attention and lets him know what he’s doing isn’t acceptable.
I don’t judge those who choose not to spank. But many members of the “no spank” contingent certainly like to cast judgment on parents who do. And that’s what irks me.
Sorry, but you can only do much “deflection” and “positive corrections” before you become ineffective as a disciplinarian. I understand it’s tough these days when spanking your child can seemingly land you in court or in front of family protective services, but I refuse to change my parenting style just because of political correctness run amok.
Spanking is a useful tool for parents if done properly.
—Photo Ben Husmann/Flickr
I know that I won’t be spanking my kids if and when I have them, but not because I think it’s abuse or ethically wrong. It’s because the few times I was spanked as a child, my dad would then get really upset at us saying we were hurt and end up with us comforting him and him apologising for having spanked us. This is so not an effective means of punishment. In fact, it left me very confused and feeling like it was then my job to look after my dad – which is one of the reasons I’ve… Read more »
I’m honestly just scared to spank. My mother spanked us and it would always go beyond spanking. In her mind, we only ever got spanked. In reality, we got punched, kicked, and beat with a variety of household items. Unfortunately, for some people in the black community, it’s considered “white people stuff” if you’re child says something you don’t like and you don’t smack them in the face. There’s this huge “Beat Your Kids so They’ll Be good People” way of thinking. Right. Because prisons are full of grown black men that just didn’t get hit enough. Plus, my mother… Read more »
I don’t spank, but that’s a decision I came to after much soul searching and reflection. Ultimately it came down to the fact that I never wanted to spank my daughter when I wasn’t angry, frustrated, or (more likely) both. I suppose that if spanking were done in an unemotional and even-handed way it could be OK, but it’s not right for me and my family. Other families are different and I respect each person’s right to make this decision for themselves. Getting spanked was my first lesson in hypocrisy; I got spanked for beating up a kid (smaller &… Read more »
I was abused as a child- by my father and step-father. So, you might think I would be ‘anti-spanking.’ I’m not. Like many of the other folks here, I see it as the tool of last resort- usually to prevent my son from being seriously injured. (Although, there was this one time I had to call a friend over to keep me from spanking him after my son-then a toddler- ruined a college project, lol. The calvary appeared in time. The project was still ruined, but no one was injured.) There were difficulties. My son went through a short-lived phase… Read more »
Bill: Wow. Thank you for sharing that. Really interesting perspective.
Mom chiming in… I feel spanking, used in love, as a form of discipline can be effective. Used in love you ask? Perhaps Derek, the poster above, has witnessed spanking in ways that many of us have… videos of a screaming mom or dad in the mall parking lot, smacking their child senseless… That isn’t my idea of using spanking effectively. My girls are 5 and 6. I started early stinging the hand with a small smack and exercising a firm “No”. Then I would follow up with an explanation of why they were disciplined. Now that they’re older… I… Read more »
Well, now that I’ve had some fun with this post over at my blog… 🙂 We don’t spank, but that doesn’t mean we don’t do other things that probably end up hurting the same. I showed this post to my husband, and his reply was, ‘why doesn’t he just let the kid stick his finger in the socket, and get a shock? That’ll teach him.’ We don’t let our kids do anything that’ll automatically kill them, like run into traffic, but other than that…we kind of let them get hurt and learn the hard way. We don’t let them get… Read more »
I come from the generation of spanking….and yea I was scared crapless to anger my parents but I’m all the better for it. Kids these days get away with a lot of stuff because they have to much power….cell phones and ipods and computers video game consoles. And then when they do something wrong parents blame all of that instead of themselves. Easier to buy “babysitter” products then it is to actually parent their kids. I’ve spanked and chances are that I will continue to spank because yes sometimes it works. I don’t raise spoiled brats but they are surrounded… Read more »
The problem is as old as time……..extremes.
Parents who take it to extremes produce messed up kids, either way. The parents who beat too much and the parents who don’t do anything ever to make their child have consequences.
Parenting is not black and white, there is not a one-size-fits-all answer to this. There are parents who have abused the spanking. There are parents who have done it lovingly and effectively. A parent saying “I spank” is not enough information to judge much of anything about their parenting and those who do live a much nicer life than me!
Sorry, that meant to say “one means of discipline should work effectively on all children.”
I was spanked as a child when I got really out of hand. My mom had a wooden spoon she reserved for very drastic occasions. I remember being sent to my room to await my spanking with the spoon. Whether my parents did that at the time to give themselves a few minutes to calm down or to make the process more effective, it worked – the waiting was always worse than the spanking itself. And now 25-some years later, I’m happy to report that I’m very close to my parents. Next to my husband, I know they love me… Read more »
Once again, I find us agreeing on parenting topics. My daughter has only been spanked two times, ever. Usually time out works, and I’ve found out lately the mommy booming “1-2-3” is INCREDIBLY effective. Who knows why numbers freak her out so much? But there was one time when she was very little and she kept doing something dangerous, like you described. It was the only way we could get it across to her that she had to stop. I hated doing it, just like you, but she got the point. And I would rather smack her across the bottom… Read more »
I wish folks would stop assuming there is one way to parent. It irks me terribly. A slap on the wrist or butt does not equal a lack of love or a closed hand, not ever.
“I do know what it’s like to emotionally/mentally abuse a kid and I say that was far worse than spanking.” Well said and very true. Spanking is nothing next to emotional abuse. And I also agree about not spanking just because of a tantrum. That’s the way kids this young test their boundaries. But when a child has learned the difference between right and wrong (as my son has), it gets tricky. The last time I spanked my son was for hitting another child three times. We told him not to do it and asked him why it was wrong.… Read more »
As a mother with a 2 year old, I’m torn. Our son can be very determined and very difiant. He’s big on the “nnooooo!” And he’s also big with not listening and throwing a tantrum. We have used only time outs. They sort of work. But I can’t see spanking him for a tantrum, especially since he’s now into testing his boundaries with pushing/hitting people. But I can see why you spanked. Not judging. I’ll probably get to that point. But we are trying every last resort before getting to that point. However, my parents are very old fashioned and… Read more »
Thank you Derek, for proving my point about the condescending, self-righteous no spanking contingent. How have I failed? I exhaust all other alternatives before I spank my son. If you read the column, you’d see that. I’m not running around gleefully beating my son whenever I feel like it. When I do spank him, it’s for good reason and as a last resort. Also, how do you know my methods of discipline are ineffective? Are you in my home? Do you have a hidden camera set up? No, you don’t. In fact, you’ve never met me or my son. Which… Read more »
“Thank you Derek, for proving my point about the condescending, self-righteous no spanking contingent.” What an easy get-out. When you expect someone to disagree with you – and they do – you can just claim they’ve proven your point. Despite your slurs I didn’t speak down to you, I didn’t make any claims about myself at all, and I spoke as an individual, not part of any contingent. “How have I failed? I exhaust all other alternatives before I spank my son.” You have failed because you consider raising your hand and deliberatedly using it to hurt a small child… Read more »
Derek: You didn’t talk down to me? You told me I failed as a parent. Is that your idea of a compliment? You talk about “acceptable” and “unacceptable” as if they are universal terms. As you can clearly see by just about every other comment on this page, many other parents consider spanking acceptable. Just because you disagree doesn’t mean you’re right. But this was my favorite part: “Using physical force against someone with the intention of compelling them to act against their will is the very definition of violence. That is what you did. You used violence on a… Read more »
“Derek: You didn’t talk down to me? You told me I failed as a parent. Is that your idea of a compliment?” No, it’s my idea of a criticism. But it is not condescension. And I never said you failed as a parent. I think you have failed in one of your tasks as a parent, not that you are a failed parent. “You talk about “acceptable” and “unacceptable” as if they are universal terms. As you can clearly see by just about every other comment on this page, many other parents consider spanking acceptable. Just because you disagree doesn’t… Read more »
I don’t have a problem with you thinking you’re right. Most of us think we’re right or we wouldn’t be doing what we’re doing. My problem is that you are making an inaccurate, incorrect statement when telling me I’m being violent towards my child. A spanking is not violent. The spank itself need not be hard or painful. It’s the emotional jolt kids get when their parents discipline them like that. Almost like raising your voice alarms them. So by your standards, yelling at a kid is just as violent as a spanking. To answer your question, I don’t know… Read more »
Actually, Derek, none of that is, in fact, the definition of violence. Here’s one “rough or injurious physical force, action, or treatment”. Something shocking you doesn’t mean it’s rough and certainly doesn’t mean it’s injurous. I could list all the other definitions that don’t actually apply to spanking as described in this blog, but you get the gist…….spanking is not, in fact, the definition of violence. Far from it. And you seem to be missing a HUUUUGE point. Parents force their children to behave against their will EVERY DAY. It’s called good parenting. They use all sorts of methods to… Read more »
C Lo, I’m replying to you because I can’t reply directly to Daddy Files. I assume that’s to do with a limit on nested comments. Perhaps you and he both mean something different by “spanking” than I do. I thought it involved striking a child hard enough to cause at least some physical pain, but you and he both seem to vehemently disagree that that is the case. If it is merely tapping the child on the shoulder or wherever to get their attention, then I have no issue with that, although I fail to see how it is effective… Read more »
Wow. So now any parent who chooses to spank a child is unethical? Derek, have a nice life. There’s no use in responding to asinine comments such as thing anymore.
(Replying to myself as again I can’t reply to Daddy Files) “So now any parent who chooses to spank a child is unethical?” I think hitting a child is unethical. That has been my clear position from the start. You have consistently responded with outrage, exaggeration and misrepresentation of my position, and personal insults. For some reason, you seem to believe your actions should be immune from criticism. If you hit your child or your wife, let your dog defecate in the street, change lanes without signalling, hurl racial abuse at strangers or any of a million other things I… Read more »
Thank you Derek, for proving my point about the condescending, self-righteous no spanking contingent. I take issue with this point. I belong to the no spanking contingent, it’s not the right decision for me and my family. I’ve considered it the idea and rejected it as wrong . . . FOR ME. I’m an adult and understand that other people look at the same facts and come to a different conclusion; I won’t necessarily agree with it, but I do know that it happens. Just like I can’t say spanking=abuse, you can’t just lump everyone who chooses not to spank… Read more »
Hill: I don’t lump everyone together. I’m saying there are people who are against spanking, and then there’s the condescending, self-righteous no spanking-contingent. Two separate groups. As you can see from some of the comments, I’ve had solid discussions with people like yourself who are against spanking but don’t judge others. Then there’s Derek, who chooses to judge everyone who doesn’t agree with him on this issue.
No worries mate, but of course you realize that this is an issue that inflames passions on both sides. I feel lucky that it wasn’t me breaking out the flamethrower this go ’round.
This is a really tough subject. I was a father of three before 25 years old, a kid raising kids. I tried the time out thing but the mother would let them go, I tried talking with them, the mother wouldn’t support me. I did spank, not hard but two of my children now say it wasn’t a big issue, it may have helped keep them from choosing the wrong friends, drugs, smoking and drinking. When I was young, I was raised by just my mom, she was small but we did not want to do anything that would get… Read more »
“I use spanking as a last resort when all else has failed. ”
You mean, when *you* have failed. Your methods of discipline are ineffective – or just too slow for your liking – so you resort to violence as a quick fix. Of course it’s “useful”. I don’t think anybody doubts the effectiveness of corporal punishment if your goal is simply to stop a child doing something. Fear of pain is a powerful motivator.
And while you may be irked by my passing judgement on you, that’s just tough. If you hit children, I will judge you.
Derek Derek Derek………. Let me guess……..you either have no children or you have one child under age 4? The author is correct and you know what? So are you. Fear of getting HURT is what SHOULD motivate a child not to stick a wet finger in a socket or not to run into the street. Why is that a bad thing? If you’ve never walked in those shoes, thank the Lord you have had an easy child. But life is not so black and white as you’d have it be. Sometimes, for some parents and for some kids, spanking are… Read more »