Why can’t we all get on the same page with the evolution of gender identity?
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Every quarter I ask my women students if any of them had been tomboys when they were little. Many hands enthusiastically shoot into the air. The women often have fond memories of their time climbing trees and digging in the dirt.
Then I ask the men students if any of them had been sissies. The class bursts out laughing. One hand might sheepishly creep up.
One man claimed the question was unfair since the word “sissy” is stigmatized but “tomboy” is not.
Actually, there isn’t a non-stigmatizing word for a boy who acts like a girl. And there’s a reason for that.
Any boy who acts like a girl takes himself down to a lower status. He becomes demeaned.
A girl who acts like a boy, on the other hand, doesn’t harm her social standing. At least not until she gets older and the behavior takes on lesbian overtones.
Another student thought I was exaggerating the problem. For his term paper he asked men and women on campus whether they had been tomboys or sissies, and whether they had ever thought about being the opposite sex.
When he asked women if they had ever wanted to be a man, or wondered what it would be like, many said they had. When he asked about being tomboys when they were little, they often reminisced on that happy time.
But when he asked men whether they had ever wanted to be a woman, or been curious about what it might be like, stunned reactions were the rule: “What!? Are you serious?” When he asked if they had been sissies when they were young, men turned an angry eye and asked, “Are you looking for trouble?”
He’s lucky to have finished his research and still be alive and in one piece.
This is just one of many examples of how we “gender rank” men above women in our society.
What difference does it make?
Devaluing females and femaleness ends in all sorts of problems: Women expect less for themselves, including pay and power in relationships. In societies and subcultures where masculine is valued over feminine we find higher rates of rape, wife battering, gay bashing, daughters-for-sale, and female infanticide. STDs are more widely spread. Women’s sexuality becomes repressed. Men cannot express their full selves and must keep their emotions bottled up — as they repress half of their humanity. The list goes on.
But as we grow aware of the problem, we can create change.
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Originally posted on Broadblogs
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Are woman all of a sudden attracted to sissie men unable to stand up for themselves, and standing up to other men and other woman (especially his mother), which then equates to not standing up for his family, resulting in a lower ability to sufficiently face the world to procure necessary resources for the benefit of his family? There is also the good old ‘female sh!t test’ which woman employ on men, perhaps unconsciously, to test a man’s mental mettle to see if he is a reliable mate. I think woman, and men, are attracted to strength. Evolutionary it’s built… Read more »
Just came back from Thailand. Over there, the 3rd sex (guys with feminine qualities) are accepted and not ridiculed. As adults they are called lady-boys which is actually probably way beyond “sissies” as discussed in the article. In any case, men who choose to express feminine traits are accepted and to ridiculed there.
Great article. For a more in-depth look at this issue, check out Julia Serrano’s amazing book “Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity.”
http://www.amazon.com/Whipping-Girl-Transsexual-Scapegoating-Femininity/dp/1580051545
As the mom of a “tomboy” I would have to disagree with your premise that tomboys are somehow all perceived cool. My daughter has been bullied, harassed and had her gender questioned since the age of five because she preferred to play fire chief to princess. She has played sports with boys who don’t understand why she is playing and/or why she has short hair. She has been told that she should be a boy by kids at school. While I do think that boys who exhibit feminine behavior are more blatantly called out, I think that the push back… Read more »
I think James that the ideal of a woman is valued very highly visible the actual woman. Everything revolves around a male viewpoint of things and even the women buy into this. In exchange they get to be teammates if you will with the divas and the idea of their emotions running rampant that makes them more special. Sad trade in my view. I think feminism missed the boat when they took the tack of denouncing men to increase their own level. The gains for them could have been much more easily and strongly gained by building allies instead of… Read more »
I’m surprised at the last paragraph of this article: “Devaluing females and femaleness ends in all sorts of problems: Women expect less for themselves, including pay and power in relationships. In societies and subcultures where masculine is valued over feminine we find higher rates of rape, wife battering, gay bashing, daughters-for-sale, and female infanticide. STDs are more widely spread. Women’s sexuality becomes repressed. Men cannot express their full selves and must keep their emotions bottled up — as they repress half of their humanity. The list goes on.” Have you actually observed the media the last 10 years, if not… Read more »
I did. Well, they say .03% of the population are transgender, that’s me, didn’t want to be but I am and I always wished I was a girl but could never tell anyone for the stigma that is attached both then and now but with a growing awareness of how unhealthy that denying the essence of who you are., I would definitely have wanted to be a tomboy and think of myself as one today. I am being harshly discriminated against by Family Court Judge John D. Casey, my ex, 40 members of my family and denied visitation with my… Read more »
Hi Christine
I look forward to read your articles .
No Ellen, just the opposite. Tomboy are celebrated but fellows who do anything feminine are ostracized. You’re very cool helping your grandparents out with a saw. I am not cool helping my grandparents out by baking pies for them or with my grandma. That’s the point.
Mark ,men that can cook are loved . At least in my part of the world.
Oh, silke, I know and normal men who can cook here are being more accepted but still register surprise. Mainly I used that as an example I probably should have used crocheting or needlepoint as the Example that gets the side eye yet everytime. And i’I’m sorry for your experiences Christine. It wasn’t much better in my divorce being a fellow as the courts recognize men as dots and incompetents, merely kids with beards themselves that was 15 years ago and still is the case. I’m sure it was even worse for you.
Mark, if you baked pies with your grandmother, I would be duly impressed for so many reasons. In the end, only kindness matters. Something former sissyboys now metrosexuals (both misnomers) get, in spades. I have finally come to the conclusion that tomboys and sissyboys are meant for each other! The girly-girls get their alpha men and we get the beta boys. A much better deal I say! Those of us who can re-shape gender barriers, will have the happiest if not successful lives. We only have one kick at the can on this earth, and we need to live it… Read more »
So is it okay that I am a tomboy or not? This article makes me second guess if it’s okay for me to not be afraid to learn how to use a table saw or mortar bricks. I am proud to step up and help my grandparents when no one else (regardless of gender) was willing to help
That pretty much sums it up, Georgia. I have a question I can never get an answer to, much less a straightforward one. What’s in it for women to keep on perpetuating this POV? Sooner than later one would think the training wheels would come off and feminist speech would turn around to try and convince men that they’d be darn lucky to be women what with freer expression, choices etc. But they don’t and I can’t figure out what they’re getting out of it.
So ask men about parenting, which is traditionally considered a woman’s job. I think you get a different answer. Ask father’s on their death bed to talk about their greatest joys. I suspect you’ll hear much about the time they spent with family. Ask men who are suffering mid life crisis why they made the change. I suspect that they’re following their heart, looking for fulfillment, etc., all things we would consider traditionally feminine. You sure the feminine is under valued or is that just a phase people go through like girls stop being tomboys when they get older?
No I don’t think most of that enters their mind until their deathbed, John for most anyways. The whole man thing is so deeply embedded and the idea of any of these softer feminine aspects, while there of course are rudely shoved aside for the fear of not doing the manly 5hings. Again. For the most part in most guys but not all of course.
The whole war on gender conformity hopefully will end in we humans being able to choose roles in our lives that we are suited to, not what society expects of us. I know many excellent fathers whose children are darn lucky to have them! Parenting takes a special kind of person, and ought not be about one gender over another. It is illogical!
John,
Once a tomboy, always a tomboy. It is not something you grow out of. Anymore than girly-girls and alpha men do. Now you can take on characteristics or traits as you choose. Despite having a feminine body my blueprint will always include loving sports, going crazy over a beautiful car or ship, being adventurous, not backing down from a fight, standing up for the underdog, preferring to shovel or paint over doing dishes and laundry, the first to race to the lawnmower well you get my point. And I can do all that in an elegant gown! 😉