Transactional Men Are Declining Even Within the Current Moment of Hypermasculinity

The progressive masculinity movement is gaining steam despite the manly efforts of powerful men making news. I thought a reminder would be helpful at this point when world politics is increasingly dominated by hypermasculine autocratic regimes, the latest of which is presently taking root here in the United States.

But first, what do we mean by transactional men? Mark Greene in his 2020 Medium essay takes us a long way by defining transactional intimacy. When we approach it more broadly, we find that this is one of those qualities that is often so transparent as to be difficult to explain. Perhaps a few examples are in order.

If I accompany my wife to the Christmas Eve church service, will we have sex later?
If I treat my brother like an old friend, will he stop putting me down in front of his family?
If I do a damn good job on this report, will my boss give me a raise?
If I give them my top game, will the guys on my bowling team pay for my drinks?
If I treat the young intern at work with some tasty treats and a little smooth talk, will she let me come home with her and f*ck her?
If I pretend to know what I am doing and install that gas range at home, will my kids look up to me positively impressed?
If I offer enough money and a persuasive argument, will the Danish government welcome our purchase of Greenland?

Well, you get the picture. Each of these is intended to be a subtle and persuasive transaction. Needless to say, many of these examples, and many, many others of this sort, simply do not work. The intended recipients of these messages see through the distortion, perceive the attempt as the manipulation it truly is, or worse, develop a “f*ck off” attitude when they realize they are the intended victim of the scam.

On the other hand, there are many men and women who either cannot see the true nature of the transactional scam or accept it as a normal sequence of events. While the underlying nature of the transaction may remain obscure, and targeted recipients may perceive the expected outcome as justified, often there results a mismatch of expectations that ultimately fuels discord.

The young intern may well be genuinely attracted to this fellow, and decide to take him home and have sex with him. The man who is treated kindly by his brother may extend that kindness by reducing the put-downs in front of the family. The bowling team guys may cover their teammate’s drinks because they are so thrilled to be winning the game. And so on.

The transactional man will perceive each of these as a successful transaction of goods or services, whereas reality is occurring on a more complicated relational plain. Many men have significant trouble perceiving the relational aspect of their actions, whereas many women first and foremost perceive interactions as relational. Thus the potential mismatch.

Notice that a significant portion of transactional men’s schemes are related to intimacy and sex, two areas whose complexities continue to mystify these men. Having no real understanding of genuine and mutual intimacy, and being generally blind to the power of loving kindness, they persist in viewing these interactions as merely transactional.

The progressive masculinity movement is frequently misunderstood as bringing men more in touch with their emotions, or promoting greater vulnerability. Neither is accurate.

To use a manly analogy offered only partly in jest, it is more like standing in the garage “man cave” and opening one door after another to allow the light of loving kindness to shine upon the masculine essence inside. The result will not be feminine, but in fact an amalgam that is something entirely new and yet still entirely masculine.

In progressive masculinity spaces, we expand the masculine essence beyond the restrictions of the old school “man box,” and invite a spectrum of refreshing light to broaden our views of who we are as men. We move away from transactional thinking and invite relational awareness into our hearts and minds. We learn to identify and avoid gender prejudice and become suspicious of any version of us-versus-them thinking.

We consider the advantages of being better listeners, learn the fine points of developing and sustaining friendships with other men, examine the key elements of intimate bonding, admit self-compassion in our relations to the self, and commit to welcoming freedom of thought in ourselves and others.

Most importantly, we come to realize that we have been nurtured since boyhood to be what the culture expects us to be as men, and that there is nothing natural about this set of restrictive traits.

Most individuals engaged in men’s groups discover significant creativity in their masculine characters, a deep and abiding ability to adapt to circumstances and to seek improvements when and where they are needed. Progressive masculinity groups help men to discover their inner creativity and to utilize it to open more doors and shed more light into our collective male consciousness.

There are more organizations doing this kind of men’s work now than have ever existed in the past. These include, among others:

So unless you are inclined to believe that the men in the news, or even the “men with microphones” are the real men, as they would have you believe, then do not despair. There are more opportunities today to join the progressive masculinity movement than ever before. Join us for a refreshing new start.

I leave you with this quote from Mark Greene’s essay, an invitation to men who may wish to join us:

“So, to any man out there, I offer this invitation. When you are ready to come in from the cold, there are men waiting to welcome you to the work we all need to do. It’s a matter of giving up our victimhood, forgiving ourselves for not knowing sooner, and choosing connection.”

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Vic Caldarola is the founder and lead facilitator for the Shine a Light Men’s Project, a men’s mindfulness discussion group. He holds a PhD in Communications Studies.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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