John Taylor believes the phrase ‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry’ is a trapped way of thinking.
I have heard it so many time before. Then this came across my Facebook news feed yesterday:
“So if someone you love says they are sorry, and you say you forgive, them then take it back. You’re now the one in the wrong because “love means never having to say your sorry”. For slower people it’s because if you truly do love, you want nothing more than both of you to heal and move on. Anything more is starving for attention and drama which is lack of maturity. End.”
Don’t get me wrong, I understand the point. I understand why people say that. Do get me right though, that I think it’s complete bullshit, and is a trapped way of thinking about love and relationships. I don’t understand how people think that being in love makes you superhuman or infallible.
Human beings are completely incapable of perfect and infallible love. You can look at couples, or your own relationships, and think about how perfect everything is. The problem with that, is it’s not how perfect it is but how perfect it seems. Have you ever had a disagreement with someone you are in love with? Have you ever said something you shouldn’t out of anger? Done something out of delirium? Point blank, have you ever just fucked up in any capacity? If you answer yes to any of these, then it’s not perfect.
Some hurt is greater than others. A spouse who has cheated, such as myself, has fucked up majorly. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my wife. My wife stopped showing me love for a long time, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t actually love me. Both of us have fucked up and caused hurt, but it doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. You can ask me, and you can ask her, though things are far from perfect, there is still a true love there, or we wouldn’t still be together.
“If you truly do love, you want nothing more than both of you to heal and move on. Anything more is starving for attention and drama, which is lack of maturity.”
I don’t think my wife and I want anything more than to heal and move on. Both of us have hurt far too much, for far too long. And it’s not over yet. But is it really healthy to just hide it, act like pain and heartbreak don’t exist? Not in my opinion. Years of putting my feelings aside and never dealing properly put me in some really bad positions in the past. I can’t afford that anymore and the stakes are a lot higher.
Moving on means having to face the feelings we don’t want to. It means having to own up to everything we don’t want to. It means having to hurt in order to feel what it is to heal. It’s not immature to hurt. It’s not immature to face that you caused hurt. It’s not immature to feel hurt together. True love, real love, still loves through hurt. And that is where healing comes from.
To end with, I will offer the only thing I can as far as “advice” for couples. I’m definitely not one to give advice, but I can share what I know through what I’ve done and what I’ve learned since. True love, real love, is what brings us to saying we are sorry. We are human. My wife, myself, you, your neighbor, everyone. We are human. We will make mistakes. I’m not saying that forgiveness and staying together is always the answer. There are definite situations where that does more harm than good. True love, is what brings us to say we are sorry. It’s what brings others to forgive us for human error.
Don’t get trapped into thinking that you will never do anything wrong. Don’t get trapped into thinking your other half will never do anything wrong. All of us, ALL OF US, are human. We are fallible. We are incapable of perfection. True love knows this, understands this, and works through this. True love, ALWAYS means saying you are sorry. When you aren’t sorry for a wrong doing against your partner, then your love isn’t what is guiding you. True love fights for true love. It fights pride, it fights selfishness, it fights the forces that try to destroy it. Saying I’m sorry isn’t wrong. It’s fighting your pride, and fighting for love. What greater fight can we have, than the fight for love?
Photo of Sorry on Sandy Beach courtesy of Shutterstock