John Taylor believes the phrase ‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry’ is a trapped way of thinking.
I have heard it so many time before. Then this came across my Facebook news feed yesterday:
“So if someone you love says they are sorry, and you say you forgive, them then take it back. You’re now the one in the wrong because “love means never having to say your sorry”. For slower people it’s because if you truly do love, you want nothing more than both of you to heal and move on. Anything more is starving for attention and drama which is lack of maturity. End.”
Don’t get me wrong, I understand the point. I understand why people say that. Do get me right though, that I think it’s complete bullshit, and is a trapped way of thinking about love and relationships. I don’t understand how people think that being in love makes you superhuman or infallible.
Human beings are completely incapable of perfect and infallible love. You can look at couples, or your own relationships, and think about how perfect everything is. The problem with that, is it’s not how perfect it is but how perfect it seems. Have you ever had a disagreement with someone you are in love with? Have you ever said something you shouldn’t out of anger? Done something out of delirium? Point blank, have you ever just fucked up in any capacity? If you answer yes to any of these, then it’s not perfect.
Some hurt is greater than others. A spouse who has cheated, such as myself, has fucked up majorly. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my wife. My wife stopped showing me love for a long time, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t actually love me. Both of us have fucked up and caused hurt, but it doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. You can ask me, and you can ask her, though things are far from perfect, there is still a true love there, or we wouldn’t still be together.
“If you truly do love, you want nothing more than both of you to heal and move on. Anything more is starving for attention and drama, which is lack of maturity.”
I don’t think my wife and I want anything more than to heal and move on. Both of us have hurt far too much, for far too long. And it’s not over yet. But is it really healthy to just hide it, act like pain and heartbreak don’t exist? Not in my opinion. Years of putting my feelings aside and never dealing properly put me in some really bad positions in the past. I can’t afford that anymore and the stakes are a lot higher.
Moving on means having to face the feelings we don’t want to. It means having to own up to everything we don’t want to. It means having to hurt in order to feel what it is to heal. It’s not immature to hurt. It’s not immature to face that you caused hurt. It’s not immature to feel hurt together. True love, real love, still loves through hurt. And that is where healing comes from.
To end with, I will offer the only thing I can as far as “advice” for couples. I’m definitely not one to give advice, but I can share what I know through what I’ve done and what I’ve learned since. True love, real love, is what brings us to saying we are sorry. We are human. My wife, myself, you, your neighbor, everyone. We are human. We will make mistakes. I’m not saying that forgiveness and staying together is always the answer. There are definite situations where that does more harm than good. True love, is what brings us to say we are sorry. It’s what brings others to forgive us for human error.
Don’t get trapped into thinking that you will never do anything wrong. Don’t get trapped into thinking your other half will never do anything wrong. All of us, ALL OF US, are human. We are fallible. We are incapable of perfection. True love knows this, understands this, and works through this. True love, ALWAYS means saying you are sorry. When you aren’t sorry for a wrong doing against your partner, then your love isn’t what is guiding you. True love fights for true love. It fights pride, it fights selfishness, it fights the forces that try to destroy it. Saying I’m sorry isn’t wrong. It’s fighting your pride, and fighting for love. What greater fight can we have, than the fight for love?
Photo of Sorry on Sandy Beach courtesy of Shutterstock
“Moving on means having to face feelings we don’t want to”….Incisive stuff! Thank you for writing this…I think part of the rage I felt toward my husband for years was being unable to articulate my negative feelings (regarding his relationship to his drunk friend who lives down the block) for fear that it would destabilize our marriage and that I would lose him…And, yet, the paradox of this is that I HAD to say and do something or else my husband would let his friend take over our lives and break us up in his insidious way….For years, I held… Read more »
well said. and educational for me, helped me broaden my understanding. i don’t like sorry’s, its at times just to easy. a sorry backed up by truly understanding the hurt caused is the way through to healing, for me. to step into the pain of the others is for me where i gain the truth. it makes me leave any ego behind. i don’t want to just hear your sorry, i want you to get how it made me feel.
just sayin, this is whats so for me.
Exactly! It’s way too easy for any of us to say “Sorry” and just move on, never truly understanding why we said it, or what it should really mean. Putting yourself in someone else’s hurt takes selflessness that we don’t just naturally possess. Self is a comfort zone. Our own feelings, even if it is hurt, is a comfort zone. I’m blessed that both my wife and myself are now starting to see that we have to allow ourselves to understand and feel the pain we cause, so “sorry” becomes real, knowledge of the truth becomes growth, and growth leads… Read more »
I agree; the phrase was trite and misguided when Erich Segal wrote it, and banal in the context of the film, Love Story. Anyone who has never had to say “I’m sorry” to a loved one would be behaviorally suspect, in my opinion.
In a lot of ways, I think if one has never had to say “I’m sorry” then both could be behaviorally suspect. The one who should be saying it but isn’t, and the one who deserves to hear it, but doesn’t speak up about their own hurt. My wife and I have both been both of those people and it truly was a heavy factor in where we are now in the fight for our marriage.
Thanks for reading and responding!