A guy I know was ditched by his wife after 15 years of marriage and raising a kid. One of her parting comments was that she was no longer attracted to him, pointing out that he’d acquired a flabby, dad bod and wore his dad uniform.
(The uniform, in case you’re wondering what that is and whether you’re also guilty: Shorts with cargo pockets, the same kind he started wearing in the 90s.)
The guy took her feedback to heart. Cue the makeover montage music and see him hitting the gym, eating healthier, and shopping for new clothes. He even got a modern do that looked like Cillian Murphy’s in the Peaky Blinders series (yum!!).
His appearance improved dramatically, yet his wife didn’t take him back as he’d hoped.
(Hint: If someone leaves you for something you could have fixed, then it’s likely that’s not the true reason they left you.)
So off the guy went to the dating market. But even though he ditched the dad bod, he didn’t thrive so well in dating. He failed to convert first dates into second dates, sleepovers, or long-term relationships. “What’s going on?!” he wondered.
If you’re a dad who is doing ok in the appearance arena but still not getting feedback from women that you’re a D.I.L.F., here are some possible reasons.
Falling Flat
What makes a 12-year-old kid laugh is different from what makes a grown woman laugh.
I’ll give you a few courtesy laughs if you insert occasional dad jokes, but if you’re relying fully on those…nah.
Quit repeating your cheap dad jokes on women in dating. Dust off your wit and use a more sophisticated sense of humor when you’re on dates.
Dad Who Called “Kids”
Remember the story of the boy who kept yelling “Wolf!” though there was no wolf in sight? When townspeople heard his cry, they dropped what they were doing and scrambled to get there to help the boy only to find out there wasn’t really a wolf.
One day there really was a wolf, so the boy yelled “Wolf!” in order to get help, but no one came to help because they didn’t believe him anymore.
In dating, some dads do the same thing, yelling “I’ve got kids” or “My kids are a priority” as a reason to not make much effort in dating.
Being a dad is legitimately hard and time-consuming. Good women are very understanding — and admiring. We don’t expect these men to neglect their kids’ needs for the sake of women they’re dating.
But.
Say a new woman in his life asks him to attend something she’s interested in with her, and he somehow always has a kid-related reason to not go.
Say a woman lets him know that she’s not ok with how little time he carves out to spend with her, and he self-righteously proclaims she must be understanding because, after all, he has kids.
Yet he somehow makes time to watch all 17 games of his favorite NFL team and the 80+ games of his favorite NBA team plus whatever other games he somehow manages to watch despite his kid-intensive life.
If a dad’s friend says, “Dude, I got tickets for the fight Friday night!” watch the dad find a way, some way, to get the ex-wife to agree to swap custody days.
After witnessing enough times like this, women may suspect “I have kids” is another way of saying, “I only do the things I want to do and will use my kids as an excuse to not do things I don’t want to do.”
Often, dads have legitimate dad obligations that block them from spending as much time with a woman as she — and he — would prefer. But if you’re pulling the kid card out a bit much, remember the lesson the boy who called wolf learned:
Nobody believes a liar even when he is telling the truth.
Mind Your Manners
I once went over to a co-worker’s house. When I, a guest, walked in, the kids — aged about 5 and 7 and a teenager — stopped what they were doing wherever they were in the house and came to meet me.
They waited for their dad to introduce me then shook hands. They asked and answered the “How are yous”, small-talked for a moment, and then went back to doing what they were doing.
I once went over to the house of a guy I was dating and met his kids for the first time, except I didn’t really meet them. They didn’t stop what they were doing much less look up from what they were doing. It was awkward.
Trust me, I’m ok with awkward. But there’s a fine line between something being awkward and something being awry.
The dad sort of shrugged then muttered, “You know how kids are.”
I do know how kids can be. I know what they’re capable of. I know that with parents guiding them, they can have manners — or lack manners.
This guy often used, “Well, they went through a lot in the divorce” to excuse many of his kids’ poor behaviors. Yet knowing numerous kids of divorce, I know that there can still be a baseline expectation for kids to behave in a civil manner.
Sometimes dads excuse their kids’ poor behavior in front of company — or new women they’re dating — by saying they can’t do anything about it because that’s the mom’s bad influence so the kids are picking up bad habits from her.
Look. Kids act up sometimes. Occasional social gaffes occur in these ‘new woman dad is dating’ scenarios. But when a man’s kids are consistently rude and douche-y, that dad shouldn’t be surprised when women don’t stick around long.
The kid may not like that their dad is dating, but if ‘treating strangers like crap’ is allowed, count me out.
If the new woman a dad is dating turns out to be an evil step-mom type, then sure the kids can be rude and douchey, but if they kids are behaving that way from day 1 in the dad’s presence, it isn’t “Shame on the kids!” or “Shame on the ex-wife!” It’s “Shame on the dad!”
A 5-year-old kid can be taught minimal manners.
Mind Your Temper
On the flip side, a dad can go from cute to not cute in one second flat — the one second it takes for the dad to yell at his kids in front of the new woman he’s dating.
I get that kids need to be corrected when they’re misbehaving, but yelling at them in front of ‘the new woman dad’s dating’ isn’t helping the new woman integrate.
The kids are humiliated, and they resent the woman witnessing their humiliation. The woman may now have an even-harder time being accepted by the kids.
When women you’re dating first start being around your kids, interact with your kids the way you’d interact if a guest — not a family member or an old family friend — was observing your interaction.
Exception: If you’re mock-yelling while rendering a WWE-style vertical suplex on your kid then wrestle on the floor with me watching, that’s quite fine.
Laissez-faire Dadding
A man once lamented to me that his son spends all his time video-gaming. “I can’t make him do his chores or do anything because he’s glued to the games. I wished he’d go hiking with me or something, anything, other than video-gaming.”
Well…I have questions:
1. Kids didn’t just start video-gaming in a vacuum. Did you buy the kid all that video-gaming equipment, enabling him to spend all that time in the activity you don’t think is healthy for him?
2. Did you feel grateful that the electronic babysitter kept the kid out of your hair when you didn’t want to be bothered by the kid, only now the kid prefers the babysitter’s company over yours?
3. Did you buy that stuff for your kid for fear the kid wouldn’t have friends willing to hang out if he didn’t have that stuff, so your desire for your kid to be popular eclipsed what you actually believed was healthy or good for your kid?
4. Did you ever create and enforce guidelines on when and how much screen time your kid could have?
5. When the kid demanded video game apparatus or didn’t adhere to the guidelines, did you cave to your kids’ demands because that’s easier for you?
I’m talking about video games, but that’s just one example of the point I’m trying to make. Take another example. I went to the house of one guy I know, and his house reeked of marijuana that seeped from his teen-aged son’s room.
“I hate that smell, but I can’t make him stop,” the dad said. I thought maybe it was a one-time thing, but the house smelled that way any time the son was home.
For a dad to say, “I can’t get my kid to obey me” or “I can’t get my kids to follow rules in my house”…I don’t know. I’m not saying you need to be some sort of alpha, “my way or the highway” dad to be attractive to women you date. Not at all.
I’m just saying there’s something unattractive about dating men who just seem so helpless, unable to fulfil the roles of dads in leading their kids to healthy lives.
If the dad truly didn’t mind the kid playing video games or smoking weed in the house, ok. But for him to be opposed yet do nothing about his kids’ behaviors…ugh. Then again, maybe I’m just too old school.
Bonding or Gaming?
A woman starts dating a guy. He has half custody of his kids, so she doesn’t see or hear much from him on the nights he’s with his kids. That’s just the way it is in the beginning, no worries. If anything, she’s impressed that he spends so much time with his kids, as a good dad should.
Over time, it’s clear she and the dad are building a relationship. She gets included on some formal occasions like birthdays or Shabbat dinner or Thanksgiving, but she isn’t being integrated into the family’s everyday fiber.
It’s not until well into dating that she starts learning what those typical, non-special-occasion, Wednesday nights consist of: Dad and kids playing video games. That’s pretty much it.
Now, she’s not so impressed.
I’ve heard dads defend this, saying it’s the only way they can bond with their kids. So…video-gaming is how you get quality time with your kids? Yeah…no.
The Kid Isn’t a Kid Anymore
You’ve got a failure-to-launch kid.
Did the kid fail to launch, or did the parent fail to let the kid launch because the parent would be lonely or purpose-less without the kid being home?
Or, despite having 22 years to teach and influence the kid, did the parent fail to prepare the kid sufficiently to be self-sufficient, no matter the status of the economy or housing market?
Either way, a dad’s attractiveness ratings may take a hit in a woman’s eyes.
Bottom Line
You’re a dad, and being a good dad is a priority. I get it, and I admire it, but check that your dad identity isn’t your whole identity. Being a one-dimensional person may be why you’re not a D.I.L.F.
And while you’re at it, check that you’re not just a dad, but that you’re a good dad. You’re not just present but, rather, impressively teaching and leading your kids to be healthy and function well in life. That’s attractive.
As usual, my overarching message is “You decide what’s best for you”. Don’t change what you’re doing if you don’t want to just because a quack woman on the internet suggested you do so.
Keep dating and eventually you’ll find a woman who’s ok with your inane dad jokes and rude, out-of-control kids, who doesn’t mind that you play a ton of video games. You just have to be ok with some women taking a pass on you when they’re not ok with your way of dadding.
To be clear: Your beautiful dad instincts can make you uber-attractive.
I once agreed to a first date with a dad, but then cold symptoms started. I let the guy know, but he said he was ok with meeting up anyway. After all, he was used to catching every little sick yuck his kids brought home.
During our date, my nose was a little runny — sooo unattractive. When I sniffed, the guy whipped a tissue out of his pocket sooo quick.
Just as he moved the tissue towards my face, he froze. I saw him recognize that he’d come this close to holding a tissue on my nose and telling me to blow.
Not going to kid you. My heart flopped a tiny bit. That dad reflex was quite endearing.
So you don’t need to supress your dad-ness entirely, but consider whether you’re radiating the ‘Dad is my identity and only identity’ vibe. If so, you may struggle to get D.I.L.F. status, even after you chuck the cargo shorts and get a Cillian Murphy haircut.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
 |
 |
 |
 |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: Juliane Liebermann on Unsplash
