When you’re in a marriage that involves one partner who has depression you can choose to be helpful or hurtful. How? Let me give you some ideas of what not to do.
Bad idea #1:
If your partner is upset or angry do not yell back “did you forget to take your pills today?”
Surprise!!! Depressed people get angry, they get upset, and they get sad just like a person without depression. This isn’t the 80’s where depression meds will make a person feel like a zombie. The only time your partner will be a zombie is on Halloween.
Bad idea #2:
When life gets hard and your partner is leaning on you for support don’t suggest: “maybe you should go see your doctor and change your meds.”
Guess what, sometimes life sucks. And, whether you’re depressed or not, you feel it. For instance, when my father died, it was a hard time. Depression meds do not take away the pain and strife of grief. Sending a grieving person to a doctor isn’t going to do much of anything. Changing med’s or dosages because life it temporarily hard isn’t the answer.
Bad idea #3:
Never assume that the depressed person has a choice in the matter.
Depressed people do not want to stay in a funk forever. No one wants to feel exhausted to the point that getting out of bed is too much effort. Imagine crying for no reason while driving to the grocery store. No person chooses depression.
Currently:
It’s Christmas Eve, and I am in bed writing instead of spending time with my family. I did all the mom things. I cleaned the house, I made the meal, I smiled like I’m supposed to and now, all I want is to lay down, do nothing, be nothing and disappear. Having people need you when you hardly have enough to help yourself is exhausting and defeating. A depressed person needs no additional help in feeling like crap.
So what can you do to help your marriage and your partner?
Good idea #1
Learn. I don’t care how, you can read about it, listen to podcasts, talk to people with similar experiences.
If you’ve never experienced depression you can’t understand what it feels like to be in their shoes. If you’re not willing to learn about your partners’ depression and empathize with them then why are you even reading this?
Good idea #2
Help pick up the burden without complaint.
Let’s say dinner isn’t on the table and the kids are hungry. Improvise! Order a pizza and call it a special night. Or, always keep an oops meal on hand. An oops meal is something you can heat up in the microwave(like soup)and feed the tiny humans at the table. Help take the responsibility off your partners’ shoulders when you see them struggle.
Good idea #3
Be more affectionate and willing to hold their hand and talk about the battle in their head.
The act of confiding in your partner is not only cathartic, but it builds a better foundation for your marriage. It opens new doors of trust and lets the depressed person know that you care about them and that you want to help. Give long hugs, hold hands in the car and cuddle on the couch. Not only will these things help your partner to feel better in general, but it will also let them know that you’re in this marriage through the hard times and the happy times.
In a relationship, it’s far too easy to blame depression(and by that the depressed person) for all of your marital woes. So either step up for your partner or step out.
Photo by Shutterstock
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