“To know what people really think, pay attention to what they do.”
If you can understand the different types of cheaters there are, you will understand the impulses that lead them to infidelity. And this awareness will help you in identifying the patterns so that perhaps you can address the issues within your relationship.
Of course, different couples will need to tailor their approach to their healing and work towards preventing future infidelity. Hopefully, this will ultimately contribute to a stronger, healthier relationship.
The opportunistic cheater
We will start with the ones who are not known to always actively seek out infidelity but they take advantage of situations when they arise.
For all intents and purposes, they can seem pretty content in their relationships, yet they still easily succumb to temptation when the opportunity presents itself, like on a business trip or a night out with friends.
In a nutshell, they are usually spontaneous as their betrayals are often unplanned, might not really have any deep emotional connection with their affair partner, and may even feel remorseful after the act. They may, however, develop a tendency to rationalize their behavior.
The serial cheater
In contrast to the opportunistic cheater, the serial cheater plans his betrayals. They may not harbor any feelings of remorse and may even justify their actions partly because they are able to compartmentalize them.
Thrill-seeking serial cheaters will have a history of cheating across different relationships and show a consistent pattern of cheating. As such they will engage in multiple infidelities over time, with different partners.
The emotional cheater
Emotional cheaters characteristically form deep emotional connections with someone outside their primary relationship. They will thus secretly share their deep personal feelings and personal thoughts not to mention their time with someone else other than their primary partner.
Emotional cheaters may not see their actions as cheating, per se, because there is no physical aspect. However, even though they might not engage in a physical affair intimacy, the emotional bond can be just as damaging.
The revenge cheater
Personally, I find this is a rather curious breed: they cheat, seeking to inflict emotional pain on their primary partners in response to their feelings of hurt from being cheated on by those primary partners. And because their infidelity is a form of retaliation motivated by a desire to “even the score”, it is premeditated. It is then later publicized to their primary partner so as to cause maximum pain.
Revenge cheating, however, is usually a bad idea, and it is best avoided because, in reality, it causes more harm than good. Acting on temporary anger only leads to escalation; it can make reconciliation difficult; and it doesn’t aid in healing. It is far more beneficial for one to focus on healthy coping mechanisms.
The accidental cheater
When an indiscretion is unplanned, probably alcohol or drug-induced, it is regretted and the erring partner seeks to repair the relationship after the incident, then they are probably accidental cheaters.
Accidental cheaters usually find themselves in these situations where they unintentionally cross boundaries due to poor judgment, inadequate self-regulation, undue influence, or ambiguous social situations.
It is worth pointing out, however, that some believe that there is no such thing as an “accidental” cheater. To them, betrayal always involves a series of conscious choices (flirting, creating opportunities to be alone, or ignoring red flags, etc.) and so calling it “accidental” is merely a convenient excuse to avoid taking responsibility. There are empathic that true accidents are events beyond one’s control, and cheating on the other hand involves crossing clear moral and relational boundaries.
“To them, betrayal always involves a series of conscious choices (flirting, creating opportunities to be alone, or ignoring red flags, etc.) and so calling it “accidental” is merely a convenient excuse to avoid taking responsibility.”
The self-destructive cheater
Some cheaters have been found to betray their partners because they wish to call it quits so they engage in infidelity as a way to sabotage the relationship. There are of course underlying issues behind their actions like a fear of commitment or their belief that they are unworthy of a healthy relationship and they may even feel a sense of relief when the relationship eventually ends.
The thing is, whether seeking healing from an affair or trying to prevent one, your being able to recognize the signs will be extremely helpful.
Recognizing all these different types of cheaters and their impulses will help address infidelity more effectively. For instance, in recognizing some factors such as thrill-seeking (serial cheater) or situational factors (opportunistic cheater), partners can employ strategies developed to address these specific issues to encourage healthier behaviors.
The strategies referred to here may include setting boundaries regarding acceptable behavior, improving communication to address relationship needs, strengthening the emotional connection through expressions of love and appreciation, and many more.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Vinicius “amnx” Amano on Unsplash
