A secure attachment style allows for a harmonious and fulfilling experience in relationships. If you grew up with a secure attachment style, you are generally adept at striking a healthy balance between independence and intimacy.
Individuals with a secure attachment style are comfortable with emotional closeness. They can express their feelings, needs and boundaries openly, as they tend to carry little shame or fear around them. They have a positive view of themselves and their partner. As such, they are able to maintain and nourish their sense of self both in relationship and when single.
This secure foundation paves the way for emotional stability, solid self-esteem and deep, supportive and meaningful connections with others.
In this article, we will go over:
What Exactly is an Attachment Style — A brief overview of attachment theory
Secure vs. Insecure Attachment — The fundamental differences between secure and insecure worldviews
7 Signs of Anxious Attachment — How to recognize this attachment style in yourself or your partner
What is Earned Secure Attachment — Becoming securely attached as an adult when you grew up with an insecure attachment style
Is Attachment Theory Valid — A brief look at the history and scientific validity of attachment theory
What Exactly is An Attachment Style?
Attachment styles are the ways we learn to connect with and depend on others during our formative years.
You can think of them as strategies you developed throughout your childhood to protect yourself — mentally, physically and emotionally — and get your needs met in the environment you grew up in.
Your attachment style is not an innate trait, but a learned mechanism that evolved and adapted over time based on what worked best in your unique circumstances.
As you grew up, these approaches became more nuanced and sophisticated and, through repetition and emotional reinforcement, they became habitual ways of thinking, feeling, behaving and responding.
These learned approaches shape your self-image, guide your interactions, and leave a lasting impact on your relationships and personal well-being. The four main attachment styles: Secure, Anxious Preoccupied, Dismissive Avoidant, and Fearful Avoidant.
Your attachment style significantly impacts how you perceive yourself and others, ultimately shaping the quality of your connections and overall life experiences.
It shows up most noticeably in our romantic relationships, where we tend to feel the most vulnerable. However, it also affects every other area of life, including our friendships, career, mental and physical health, finances, and spirituality, as well as our overall worldview and our relationship to authority.
Secure vs. Insecure Attachment
Individuals with a secure attachment style generally have positive and compassionate views of themselves and others. They exhibit a sense of emotional security and confidence in their relationships.
This inner security allows them to trust both their own worthiness and the intentions of others. As a result, they tend to have more fulfilling and harmonious relationships, experiencing less fear, anxiety, or mistrust in their interactions.
On the other hand, individuals with one of the three insecure attachment styles — Anxious Preoccupied, Dismissive Avoidant, or Fearful Avoidant — often carry negative emotions such as anger, shame, guilt, fear, mistrust, and anxiety in their perceptions of themselves and others.
This insecurity makes it challenging for them to fully relax in relationships and trust the intentions of others. They may struggle with doubts about their worthiness and whether they are lovable, leading to more challenging and often painful experiences in their relationships.
7 Signs You Have a Secure Attachment Style
Individuals with a secure attachment style often feel a sense of emotional stability and self-assurance in their relationships, which lays the foundation for healthy, well-balanced connections.
Their ability to trust not only themselves but also their partners leads to more satisfying and peaceful relationships. Unlike insecure attachment styles, where anxiety and mistrust can run high and get in the way, those with secure attachments tend to experience fewer emotional ups and downs.
You are comfortable with your own emotions
You are attuned to your own emotions but don’t feel like you’re at their mercy most of the time. While you may not always understand exactly what you’re feeling, you don’t dismiss them. You recognize that your emotions carry valuable information and listen to what they are trying to tell you.
You factor your feelings into your decision-making but rarely make purely emotional decisions that don’t also make logical sense. You view emotions and sensitivity not as weaknesses but as important aspects of life and relationships.
You are comfortable with other people’s emotions
You can empathize with other people’s emotions but don’t take them on as your own. Even when you can personally relate to their experience, you maintain clear boundaries.
When someone comes to you with an emotional problem, you validate their feelings and try to understand their perspective, even if it doesn’t initially make sense to you. Even if comforting others in emotional distress isn’t your strong suit, you manage it without feeling completely lost or overwhelmed.
While you don’t see it as your job to fix someone else’s emotional state, you offer comfort and support when asked.
You are comfortable setting boundaries
You see boundaries as a normal and necessary part of being human, even when they are challenging. You believe in being honest about what you are and are not okay with because it is fair both to you and others, and you expect the same in return.
You rarely say “yes” when you mean “no.” Although you may not like disappointing people, you value your own energy and resources and don’t believe in faking it and resenting others later.
You don’t force yourself to stay in uncomfortable situations or pretend things are okay when they are not. You communicate your boundaries early on, rather than waiting until you are furious.
You tolerate the discomfort of setting boundaries others may not like and accept that they might be mad at you because you believe honesty about your needs and limits is crucial in relationships.
You may not enjoy conflict but can handle it
You see conflict as an inevitable part of all relationships. While it can be painful, you don’t view it as the end of the world or even the relationship, unless your values, needs, and boundaries are irreconcilable.
Conflict typically doesn’t feel urgent to you; if there is an important issue to address, you can wait for an appropriate time to discuss it. You don’t feel the need to resolve every issue immediately to function and focus on other aspects of life. However, you don’t delay discussing problems and important matters for too long in order to avoid conflict either.
You view a rupture, argument, or fight with a loved one as a problem to solve together, not a battle to win. Even during challenging conflicts, you see yourself and your partner as a team, striving for win-win outcomes. You neither appease them to avoid abandonment nor try to get your way at their expense.
You can apologize when you are wrong or have hurt someone, and apologizing doesn’t feel like giving your power away or admitting defeat.
You can advocate for your needs while holding space for others
You believe you can rely on other people to meet your interpersonal needs. You feel comfortable asking for help because you don’t think it makes you weak or burdensome to ask for comfort and support when you need it. You believe that it is a normal and healthy part of relationships.
You are also capable of finding other ways to meet your needs when the people you usually turn to are not available. You are comfortable with others relying on you in areas where you can provide support, but you don’t try to rescue them from their problems or over-give in relationships to earn your worth.
You understand that sometimes one person may need the other more, and you don’t feel guilty when that person is you. However, you generally avoid relationships where one person constantly gives and the other constantly takes.
You do not see vulnerability as a weakness and can tolerate feeling vulnerable without being ashamed of it.
You can rely on other people without feeling like a burden
You believe that you can rely on other people to meet your interpersonal needs. You feel comfortable asking for help because you don’t think it makes you weak or burdensome to ask for comfort and support when you need it. You believe that it is a normal and healthy part of relationships. But you also feel capable of finding other ways to meet your needs when the people you usually turn to are not available when you need them.
You are also comfortable with other people relying on you in areas where you can provide for them, but you don’t try to rescue them from their problems or over-give in relationships in order to earn your worth.
You understand that there are times when one person may need the other a bit more, and don’t feel guilty when that person is you. But you generally don’t maintain adult relationships where one person constantly gives and the other constantly takes.
You do not see vulnerability as a weakness and can tolerate feeling vulnerable at times without being ashamed of it.
You feel like yourself both in and out relationships
You don’t feel like you lose yourself in relationships. You believe you are worthy of love and acceptance as you are, so you don’t feel the need to convince someone to choose or love you.
While you may be on your best behavior when you first meet someone, you seek compatibility and show up authentically when getting to know them. You are open and honest about who you are, what you like and dislike, and what you are looking for.
When dating, you may feel excited and hopeful when meeting someone you’re attracted to, but you remain grounded and present, discerning if you are actually compatible. If you find that you’re not romantically compatible, you let them know directly out of respect to you both.
Different people may bring out different aspects of your personality, but you show up consistently across your relationships. You don’t feel like you are hiding your true self from the world and are the same person when alone and with others, leading you to feel less misunderstood.
What is an Earned Secure Attachment Style?
Your attachment style may form a significant part of your personality, but it is not set in stone. The brain’s plasticity allows for deep, meaningful transformation later in life. If you didn’t acquire the skills for secure relating as a child, you can still learn them as an adult, a process known as earned secure attachment.
Those with a naturally secure attachment style embody these skills and worldviews unconsciously, much like native speakers of a language intuitively know its rules. However, through deep, conscious work both within yourself and in your relationships, you can learn to relate securely.
Just as it is possible to master a foreign language through intentional effort, you can form a more secure relationship with yourself and others. This process can lead to solid self-esteem and healthy, loving relationships as an adult. By engaging in this intentional work, you can transform your attachment style and enjoy the benefits of secure attachment, even if it wasn’t your initial foundation.
Is Attachment Theory Valid?
Attachment theory is considered a valid and well-established framework for understanding human development and relationships.
The theory was originally developed by Dr. John Bowlby in the 1950s and 60s and was further reinforced, modified and expanded on by other psychologists in the field, such as Mary Ainsworth, Mary Main, Hary Harlow and Patricia Crittendon.
It has been widely researched, tested, and applied in various contexts across cultures since its original conception.
Researchers continue to explore and refine the theory, allowing room for ongoing discussions and developments in the field.
Conclusion
The four attachment styles are all nuanced, complex and dynamic. They exist on a broad spectrum and can manifest differently in different people.
In this article, I went over some common characteristics of individuals with a secure attachment style. However, it is not an exhaustive list and you may not identify with every single point.
If you did not see yourself in this description or maybe thought it too good to be true, you have relate more to one of the insecure attachment styles. Attachment styles are adaptable, so if you would like to move towards a secure attachment style, you can consider these traits as inspirations for what is possible for you.
Take care.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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