It’s been 3 years since my divorce, and my dating life has been a lot like North Korean missile testing; one rocket that almost got to orbit, but not quite, and the other ones just exploded spectacularly on the launch pad. There are a lot of reasons it’s been hard for me to move on. Part of it is the white-hot rage I still feel about the unfairness of the situation, my ex-wife cheating and blowing up our family. Part of it is my autism and associated social awkwardness. Another is the fact that my hobbies tend to be total sausage festivals, making it hard to meet women organically.
My new beau and her children would be at my house full time, while my son—my own flesh and blood—would have to be sent off to his mother’s regularly.
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However, there is another, deeper issue I have been wrestling with, and it has me excluding a large swath of the single, 30’s female population. Almost all of the women around my age (30’s) have children, and more importantly, have most or full custody of their children. I split custody 50/50 with my ex. Now, I know when you start dating, you’re not supposed to get ahead of yourself and picture a future with the person sitting across from you on your date. But I can’t help it.
What if things did get serious? Maybe not marriage serious but moving in together serious. I’ve been thinking about how that would work. My new beau and her children would be at my house full time, while my son—my own flesh and blood—would have to be sent off to his mother’s regularly. While he is at his mother’s, I would be playing with, tickling, reading to, and bonding with other children, a surrogate father to them.
I love children, don’t get me wrong. I just think it’s terribly unfair to my son to put him in a situation like that, with me being more of a father to other kids rather than him. I know lots of people grow up in those kinds of situations, and like anything, some turn out fine, and some end up as Republicans. I went through that for a little while myself, when I left my mother and her cocaine habit to live with my father, who had remarried a woman with two younger children. I didn’t think much of it when my mom had us full time, though, and when I was staying with my father I rarely visited mom.
So, how do I get over this block, and how can I open myself up to women with children? It is absolutely nothing personal, and I wonder if it even is a problem, as everyone has the right to their preferences. Maybe this is a job for a counselor. I don’t know, but I’m sure I’m not the only man who has these concerns. Hopefully, somebody has some advice they can share with the rest of the community because I sure don’t.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Hi Joel. Maybe I shouldn’t comment as I haven’t been married nor do I have children. At 48 the closest I got was considering being a stepdad and I did a lot of reading on it. It is a lot more involved than I thought. Realizing that I could only be a mentor and a positive example to her young children, it would have not been my place to discipline or try to fill the fathers shoes. What I’ve thought about doing at my age is even if something got serious there would be no moving in together. Each keep… Read more »