The “friend zone” can be a painful place, but it’s also often an excuse to demonize and insult women. Nadia Kardan shows us how to move on from the pain and toughen up at the same time.
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When I was 22, I made a friend at a job fair. We bonded over shared interests in comedians and books; we talked regularly and hung out often. He later confessed he had a crush on me. I politely rejected his advances and asked if we could still be friends. He told me, “Of course.”
We stayed friends; we still talked. He was one of my close confidants; I told him things because I trusted him. Then, one day, out of nowhere, he began calling me names — terrible ones. He claimed more or less that it was wrong of me to want to hang out with him, as I saw other men romantically.
I hung up, refusing to speak with him. It ended our friendship, and I questioned if I had done anything wrong. I remembered that I had not once, but repeatedly been honest about my feelings for him, but it didn’t seem to matter.
If you are rejected, bulk up; fulfill yourself by engaging in your interests. Return to the dating game, and try again.
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Some say I had an obligation to stop hanging out with him once he confessed his crush, and I didn’t reciprocate. Maybe I did, but if I asked him honestly if he felt that we should, was it wrong of me to continue hanging out with him?
Too often, I’ve heard the laments of self-proclaimed “good guys.” They say a variety of things to justify their lagging love life, often honing in and focusing on a problem they find with women. “Women don’t like the good guy,“ I’ve heard them say, “I’m always in the friend zone.”
While “the friend zone” can often be a euphemism for the pain associated with unrequited love, I feel as if it’s turned into an avenue to insult and demonize women for not returning the affections of a seemingly kind, capable and sweet man.
Relationships are not just about getting along personally. For a relationship to be successful, there must be a spark of chemistry and a present attraction. Chemistry can’t always be created; it is either there, or it isn’t.
It is not a crime against humanity for a woman to not be attracted to a nice man. It is not criminal for her to claim that she finds no chemistry with a person who is otherwise in love with her. Committing to a relationship with no chemistry or attraction is subjecting oneself to a largely unfulfilling life.
Rejection is painful, and it is as painful for women as it is for men. Perhaps the anger against the opposite sex on both sides of the spectrum comes from this place of hurt and frustration over not being the one who is wanted.
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I’ve had many unrequited crushes on men. I’ve grappled with the idea of staying friends after a failed attempt at a relationship. I do admit to harboring resentment and anger, but I’ve also realized it’s not appropriate or mature.
Men and women can’t treat each other this way, however, and expect to ever have meaningful relationships with each other. Dating can be hurtful, but we should be adults in the long run, when a relationship simply does not flourish.
If you are rejected, bulk up; fulfill yourself by engaging in your interests. Return to the dating game, and try again.
Insulting the one who rejected you, lamenting that you have been “friend-zoned” or creating a false concoction that there is some kind of vendetta against you because you are “kind” is doing no favors for the state of your dating life.
Real love is not scientific. Real love is not something that must be labored over. Real love has nothing to do with preconceived notions or disregard for “good guys” or “good girls.”
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Real love is not scientific. Real love is not something that must be labored over. Real love has nothing to do with preconceived notions or disregard for “good guys” or “good girls.”
Genuine attraction and chemistry is undeniable. Falling in love is not something that needs to be learned or taught; it occurs organically when two people connect for reasons they cannot even explain.
Admitting this when it comes to dating and relationships is a stepping stone to happiness in dating and love. It’s painful to admit to ourselves that one might not like us back, but at least it’s being honest with ourselves and starting our search for the one from a place of truth.
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About the author
Nadia Kardan is a graduate of Rutgers University. She is currently a public schoolteacher and a lover of all things artsy and wonderful. She writes fiction and works and resides in New York City.
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This article originally appeared on Elite Daily.
Photo credit: paulisson miura/flickr
Try to imagine how it felt the first time a man made it clear to you that he wanted no intimacy or commitment with you, just sex. That’s about how it feels for a man to be kept on as a buddy by a woman who feels no sexual attraction toward him. It is a killer for his self-esteem and ultimately damaging. I’m not suggesting that you were responsible for this man’s pain. If anything, I blame him for not cutting things off more cleanly with you. Men, like women, need to make decisions about where their time is best… Read more »
This article is all about respect. Respecting yourself and the person who ‘friend zones’ you. Fact of the matter is, having been ‘friend zoned’ once or twice in my life, they have given me the choice. I can either work toward actually being their friend and accepting the fact that they do not have the same feelings for me as I do for them…. or….. leaving the relationship and allowing them to pursue their interests while I pursue mine. Both choices are respectful of your feeling and theirs. Demonizing someone because they didn’t act as you expected or wanted them… Read more »
Thanks for the thoughts. I agree that if the feeling is not answered, the relation will not be a good match and it is better to bulk up. On the other hand I know people where one of the two just stayed present and his/her love needed seemingly to convince the other. But in this case, the loving one had no doubts, he/she just continued to show the love. For the chemistry argument I do not fully agree. If a woman meets a nice guy, she will never trust him in the sense, that he will be ready to defend… Read more »
I think it’s time for people to realize that a guy and a girl can remain friends no matter what the circumstances are. And there are guys who do want to remain friendzoned , not all relationships between a guy and a girl have to be romantic . Sometimes a platonic relationship is what either of them needs. Maybe you find such a pair , one in a million but let me assure you there are people who are very much comfortable having a platonic relationship. Yes , I am a guy and I have been friendzoned but that doesn’t… Read more »
Serously, what goes through your mind when you women ask to “be just friends”? Is it some way to diminish your guilt?
I think it’s selfish of to ask it. It’s very easy and comfortable for you, but what about the feelings the guy has for you? If you don’t feel like being reciprocal, just help by cutting things off, for the sake of both the people involved.
I think the mistake people most often do regarding unrequited love, is to think that the crush goes away just because the person is being rejected, and then go on to treat them like it nevere even existed. It doesn’t.
Unlike the implication expressed in this article, women do not, in fact, PUT men in the Friend zone. Men put themselves there. Their ignorance of the dynamics of the friend zone keeps them there. And only can their gaining understanding of it get them out. While I am deeply opposed to the “50-50 relationship”, I am even more adamantly against the 100-0 relationship that is the hallmark of friend zone relationships. A man in the friend zone is not her friend. Even if imbalanced, both parties receive benefit in a true friendship. When examined, any man in the friend zone… Read more »
I hope you never have a decent woman in your life.
“Holding on to it does you both no good.”
Yeah, i agree with this statement.
Angelguy
Time and distance have always been the cure for me. It gives me the space to find another. The problem you have with your relationship was: “We stayed friends; we still talked. He was one of my close confidants; I told him things because I trusted him.” It’s OK to remain friends, but you needed to give him the space to find another. There are different forms of friendships. The one you wanted to keep was one that was detrimental to him to give. I’ve had several unrequited crushes on women. We were and are still friends because our friendship… Read more »
Not her fault (because of her “unkindness”) that he insulted her. But women are always to blame when men attack them, we get it.
It’s not clear if she gave him space to “find another”. But I guess that is a given – they were not dating, so he had all the space. If he wasn’t okay with the kind of friendship he could and should have said it.
@ July There was a woman I knew, who was extremely sexually aggressive. She wore loose, low cut tops and short skirts. She didn’t wear underwear. She would bend over when she spoke to men allowing a clear view of her breasts. She sat with her legs spread. She offered to buy me lunch, drinks, etc. A female friend told me to watch out for her because she was telling all the women that she was raped and she only wanted sympathy. It might have been just because of my own experiences, but I believed her. I think she was… Read more »
I would say that there is no fault in either party, but that both parties need to back away for a time, just like after a breakup. If a man dumped his girl friend, but she still was attracted to him, and he let his girl friend hang out with him constantly, was close with her and shared secrets, etc., would that good for either person? First there needs to be break, and time to work through your feelings and accept that the other person will not be dating you. Then, later, once you are no longer interested in dating… Read more »
If she is not interested, walk away right then and there. Don’t ask why. Don’t obsess over it. It’s not easy, but holding on to it does you both no good.
Exactly. And even if you become friends later, at the very least, a time of cooling off is needed. Part of the problem is the idea that the person who does not feel chemistry can just go on as before, and ignore unrequited attraction. This isn’t helpful to either person. The one who is attracted needs to break things off, and, for the one who isn’t, friendship needs to be on hold for a while. An analogous situation would be a woman who is dumped, but doesn’t get over her ex boyfriend, and continues to try to hang out with… Read more »
I was pleasantly surprised by this article. Most things that come from Elite Daily are misogynistic and awful but this one actually has potential to help people understand. Finding chemistry AND attraction are rare. The reason I separate the two is because I’m not sure if you have the right idea of what chemistry is. Chemistry is everything that happens to coincide between two people. When people have similar interests or know each other so well that they can finish each other’s sentences or even not say a word at all and be ok with the silence, that is chemistry.… Read more »
Women are consumers of chemistry. Therefore men, by default, must be the producers of that chemistry. Otherwise, how would it be possible that some men have a higher average for “getting the girl” with rock steady consistency while other guys are equally consistent in striking out?
Men create chemistry. Or at least have the ability to do so. Yes women consider chemistry a work of “magic” because that is how they prefer to think about it. Chemistry is produced in a number of ways and savvy men know this.
I was pleasantly surprised by the content of this piece. After reading the title, I was expecting something written by a Nice Guy of OKCupid.
When an article starts talking about chemistry, I know it’s probably written by a woman. You did say that chemistry can’t always be created and we know that. But what I see time and time again is lonely women waiting for some magical chemistry that will solve their problems. Compatibility and ability to communicate, not chemistry is what usually pays dividends in the long run. People sacrifice for chemistry on both sides and although it gets you through some problems because you’re more willing to sacrifice for it, it doesn’t guarantee any higher level of success in a relationship. With… Read more »
Ms. Kardan: Hi. thanks for the article. I have been “Friend-zoned” a lot over the years. Each situation is different and I do think your friend overreacted calling you names. Whether someone rejects you or your reject them, there has to be a mutual respect and boundaries discussed before one can have an unrequited love as a friend. Otherwise, it is very difficult and painful for someone to be rejected, as they might feel over time, they are being used. You admit to have experienced the same emotions. Tell me, how many of those Men who were unrequited loves are… Read more »