Dr. Aqualus Gordon wonders if men are being socialized into being afraid to embrace or even admit to traditionally masculine traits—and what the implications of that will be.
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There appears to be a trend within online and academic media to reject or diminish the existence of traditionally masculine characteristics among modern men. Indeed, this very web site frequently features articles written by or about men who attest to being deeply in-touch with their “feminine sides,” while often ignoring their relationships with their “masculine sides.” Take for example an article featured on the GMP several weeks ago titled, “The Manliest Thing About Me…” The author, Reesee Zigga Zagga, stopped a random assortment of men at a conference and asked them to complete the phrase: “The manliest thing about me is…” As I was looking through the collection of responses, I was surprised to see that most of them described attributes that are (stereo)typically associated with femininity, such as: “my heart,” “my ability to show emotion,” “I cry,” “my vulnerability.” While I don’t doubt that these men were describing real aspects of their characters, I was left wondering: Are these really the manliest things about these men?
Now, don’t misunderstand me. I think it is fantastic that many men today are able and willing to revel in the softer aspects of their identities. Just a few decades ago, a man’s admission of sympathy or compassion was frequently met with social disapproval and ridicule. Today, many men are quite at ease sharing parts of themselves that may have been disparaged in their fathers’ time—and that is awesome. However, alongside this trend of men embracing their softer side seems to be an omission, dismissal, and (at times even) demonizing of traditionally masculine/male traits, e.g. protectiveness, competitiveness, aggressiveness, assertiveness, sexual appetite, deference to truth over feelings, passion, confidence, independence, and so on.
Of course, these aren’t characteristics necessarily held by all men, nor are they necessarily absent in women. Indeed, I am a firm believer that gender expression is relatively fluid with regard to both sexes—some women are more masculine than some men and vice-versa, and nearly all individuals experience changes in their gender expression during their life or even from one situation to another. Nevertheless, it is also true that the traits listed above (ones typically associated with masculinity) are found in males far more commonly than they are found in females—a distinction which persists across culture, history, and species. Furthermore, most masculine characteristics are directly related to the amount of available testosterone present within any individual. On average, men’s testosterone levels are 10 to 45 times higher than women’s.
This is all to say, no matter how you slice it, men, as a group, embody masculine characteristics more frequently and to a greater degree than do women. While it is arguable that some degree of these traits may be socialized into men at a young age, they are, nonetheless, imbedded aspects of men’s present-day manhood—resistant to change whether they were natured or nurtured into existence. And why should we want to change them?
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Whether we are talking about masculinity or femininity, there is nothing inherently good or bad/better or worse about either expression of gender. This notion is as true today as it was fifty years ago.
My concern isn’t just about the re-narrowing of acceptable masculinity within society. What is at stake is men’s ultimate acceptance, understanding, and governance over their own natures as well as an individual and social recognition of what manhood actually entails. When a man can’t admit that the “manliest thing” about him is his insatiable sex drive or a constant yearning to be better than the next guy, then he is left to feel ashamed of these parts of himself or is compelled to deny their existence altogether—only to have them abruptly emerge during times of high stress and/or vulnerability.
Keep in mind that acceptance is not surrender. That is, accepting that you are a highly competitive guy doesn’t mean you must give-in to every felt need to outdo the people around you. On the contrary, by accepting that competitiveness is strong aspect of your character, you can learn when and how to make use of your competitiveness and when and how to reign it in and focus on more important things. By knowing and accepting these aspects of ourselves as men, we can also gain more insight into our lives and our relationships with others, which can be negatively affected by unexamined aspects of our character.
But a man, who is unwilling to admit that he is an aggressive, sexual, protective, or competitive guy (at least to himself), sacrifices his capacity to oversee and make use of those parts of himself that he is too afraid or ashamed of to acknowledge.
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Photo: Lizzie279 / flickr
I grew up in a home with a quiet dad, dominant mom, and two older sisters. My mother made it expressly and tacitly clear that she didn’t like anything she deemed too masculine–sports, getting dirty, body hair, sexuality, etc. Thus, I grew up overly modest, tense about being shirtless, showing pit or chest hair, etc. I also grew up to be gay, and found balance in exploring contact sports and bonding in late high school and college. I appreciate that there is, among many gay men, an unabashed celebration of the masculine. I can happily report now that in my… Read more »
Hi. Good post.
There’s pressure for men to be sensitive and in touch with their femininity.
There’s pressure for men to be tough and rough.
There’s pressure for men to express themselves.
There’s pressure for men to be strong and silent.
— money winners
—educated
—earthly
—sporty
—gladiator-like
—the dancer
—gay friendly
—macho
Whatever. Everyone is where they are because of their background and environment.
We don’t need to worry about them. They are who they are. Men are men even if they’re gay or bi or straight. Like I said. Whatever
Dr Gordon, thank you for this article, as i read it with absolutely no feminist shaming tactics that other articles here at the GMP have.
I appreciate you saying that, capt. Sometimes gender is comparative and but often it isn’t, but we think it has to be, so we make it so. I wrote this piece about and for men, with regard to their genders — particularly their masculinity. In doing so, I didn’t find it necessary to blame/shame or tie women or feminism to realities of men’s relationships with their masculinity. Whether women or feminism have contributed to how men feel about their gender isn’t relevant to men being mindful of their own masculinity.
I remember when readding “The Manliest Thing About Me”, it occurred to me that the men responding to the question reminded me of the character Norman Bates in” Psycho”: a pathetic mama’s boy who was so shamed by his domineering mother of his own sexual nature that when an attractive woman checks in at his motel the feelings that she evokes cause such intense shame and guilt that in order to assuage his guilt he assumes the personality of his mother and murders the woman. Of course this is an extreme example, but the emotional dynamic seems very similar.
RG, another interesting fact is about the mass murderer jeffery Dalmer.
jeffery’s mother never let the young boy out to play with the other children, and When the young boy finally met another young boy, at age 7, he felt “inappropriate feelings” for the other boys. He felt inappropriate feelings for other boys that he could never quite shake the rest of his life.
Great article. I think another issue today is the fact that there has been so much violence in the world today, and that because some of those acts of violence are committed by men that there is a constant push-pull between sensitivity and aggression; a consistent battle between allowing and accepting man’s aggressive and competitive nature, versus not minimizing the fact that the are human, and have a wide range of emotions that aren’t all negative, and it doesn’t take away from the idea that all aspects of their being should be celebrated and admired. We are all human and… Read more »
“…a man, who is unwilling to admit that he is an aggressive, sexual, protective, or competitive guy (at least to himself), sacrifices his capacity to oversee and make use of those parts of himself that he is too afraid or ashamed of to acknowledge… Keep in mind that acceptance is not surrender. That is, accepting that you are a highly competitive guy doesn’t mean you must give-in to every felt need to outdo the people around you. On the contrary, by accepting that competitiveness is strong aspect of your character, you can learn when and how to make use of your… Read more »
This is an interesting discussion, but probably better handled from a point of balance rather than being gender specific which is polarized. Each person, male or female, is composed of balanced energies, yin and yang, receptive and assertive. Rather than swinging the scale past center to the yin (receptive/feminine) side of the scale, it might be better to find each person’s personal center point and work out from there. Our problem has been historically we have been in survival mode and the segregation of the genders enhanced survival. This, thankfully, is no longer the case, but our socialization is still… Read more »
I agree wellokay, and still can’t. I’m comfortable in my masculinity, I don’t care what people think or don’t if I am or am not masculine enough for them. I do many manly things, as well as non manly things and the least of it all is I’m ashamed of myself for none of them. I do not pass gas in public, out of either end. I do not hit women. I don’t hunt because I don’t need to, plus it makes me feel bad for the animal. I could easily become a vegetarian if I chose as a result,… Read more »
“Whether we are talking about masculinity or femininity, there is nothing inherently good or bad/better or worse about either expression of gender.” Well now, that’s just a misogynistic thing to say. What are you, defending patriarchy or something? : – ) It’s very true what you say about traditional masculinity being roundly condemned. Just look at the way most people talk about testosterone, for example. They act like testosterone is a toxic poison that destroys all civilized behavior. Another example is the way people use the phrase “typical male.” I’ve never heard anyone use the phrase in any positive sense,… Read more »
I enjoyed this Dr. Gordon! The last sentence embodies what many of my clients battle within their relationship. That is, knowing and embracing those masculine parts of himself which can serve him AND his partner. When I speak to many of the “evolved” women partners of my clients, they are desperate to feel polarization to their femininity. Equality – yes, absolutely. Too much feminine energy – no, thank you. These strong minded, sharp, independent women have no way (in their minds) to discuss or describe their needs with their guys. They are afraid of how it may sound. They fear… Read more »
Thanks Steve. I appreciate the comments and first-hand insight.
“Today, many men are quite at ease sharing parts of themselves that may have been disparaged in their fathers’ time—and that is awesome. However, alongside this trend of men embracing their softer side seems to be an omission, dismissal, and (at times even) demonizing of traditionally masculine/male traits, e.g. protectiveness, competitiveness, aggressiveness, assertiveness, sexual appetite, deference to truth over feelings, passion, confidence, independence, and so on.” …. Ya know, this is what I’ve been seeing as well and for me, it’s alarming. “My concern isn’t just about the re-narrowing of acceptable masculinity within society.” This is my concern as well,… Read more »