Unraveling the Ties That Bind: Lessons From a Failed Marriage

The final divorce papers are sitting somewhere in a judge’s files waiting for a signature that ends the legal bonds of my nearly thirty-year marriage. There is no handbook on the appropriate way to feel in these moments. Friends who have walked this road before me have described a near-euphoric space of the end of something awful. Others have talked about the deep grief that welled up unexpectedly from within. My heart is simply a jumbled mess with layers of feelings resembling a ball of yarn hopelessly knotted into an indecipherable mess.

No Longer Waiting to Exhale

The most prominent thread in the ball is relief. For the last decade, my biggest struggles in this marriage were the reckless disregard my almost-ex had for how his decisions impacted others and the steep consequences that his family could potentially carry as a result. This sense of pending doom was hanging over my life like a smothering blanket and kept my anxiety ever present. All of the “what-ifs” seemed to haunt my thoughts and became a driver of my decision-making. So, there is great relief to no longer have my financial and personal security tied to his recklessness.

Broken Dreams Still Hurt

In a distant second place is a quiet sadness. I have loved this man deeply. I have cared for him and his family. I worked with diligence and intention to build a home and a life with him. There is no shortage of decisions that I wish I could make again with a bit more wisdom that has come through the years. My flaws and failings are a part of the demise of this relationship as much as his. There were patterns of unhealthy behavior that I allowed that he was unwilling to change even when their destructive nature was revealed. I find myself wishing for a reality that simply isn’t there. The great love story of growing old together with our lovely daughter and her kids surrounding us as we recall all the shared memories of once upon a time. The sadness comes in the acceptance that this can simply never be. Even if I had stayed and tried another decade or two, the reality is his self-destructive behaviors make this dream even touching reality completely impossible.

The Internal Critic’s Opinion

There is a small place in me that feels like a failure. One of the most important values is to not hurt other people. A difficult space for my growth has been learning that self-sacrifice on this altar is unhealthy. There are moments in every relationship when you can put aside self-interest for the good of the partnership or to meet the needs of a season, but it should not be a lifestyle. It also should not always be one partner sacrificing to appease the other’s selfish or unhealthy pursuits. Even in the light of that understanding, it still pains me to know that my choices — even though they are without any doubt the healthy ones — have hurt my soon-to-be ex.

Ready to Be Done

The space that has been the most surprising to me is the feeling of acceptance. When sadness tries to hijack my heart into a “Isn’t there something to be done here?” space, it becomes easier to see that there is no other way. For many years, I have run down every pathway to try and find a different conclusion for this marriage. The truth is that I am exhausted from keeping us on life-support. I can honestly say that there is nothing left to try and no conversation that is going to restore all the damage that has been done miraculously.

All that remains is the final word that the vows and promises weren’t so unbreakable after all.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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