Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)
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we spend so much time
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trying to quote kind of find someone
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like who i am
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when what we’re really craving is
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someone who it has an acceptance of who
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i am
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and i think we confuse the two
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she said
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i am in my forties
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i’m looking for love
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and
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i find myself in the strange situation
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of
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not really knowing what i want to do
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next in my life
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and she said the reason this is surreal
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for me is that for years i’ve been in a
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situation where
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i’m very career driven i know what i
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want
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and
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i have made good money
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and i’ve always found it unattractive if
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someone tells me they’re not sure
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what they want to do next
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in fact so unattractive that the last
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person that she
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dated
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she decided wasn’t right for them
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because he found himself in a stage of
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his life where he was questioning
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what his path was
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she said i now find myself in that
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uncomfortable position of being
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in that situation that i would normally
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find unattractive
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she also went on to say
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that
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she is looking for someone who like her
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is
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entrepreneurial driven
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and
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makes a certain amount of money because
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she makes a certain amount of money
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so
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i i
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obviously had an answer for her
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but i’m wondering stephen
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what your initial thoughts are in a
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situation like this where someone has
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predetermined that the kind of person
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that they will be attracted to is
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this very specific
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set of things which is something on some
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level
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we’re all guilty of at some point in our
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lives
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yeah i’d i’ve said before i think it’s
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fine to have we’re all going to have
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some things that we’re really really
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into i mean we spoke a while ago about
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how i which which evokes some response
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from our listeners but i said i would
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want to be with someone who’s a reader
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uh a partner and some people were like
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hell yeah steve i agree i’m a reader and
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it’s really important to me and some
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people are like
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you’re being too judgmental like why is
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it it’s not such a big deal why why do
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you think like why do you have this
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arrogance that someone has to be a
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reader and
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has your thinking evolved on that since
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steven or do you remain in the camp of
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don’t call me unless you read
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i think
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i think what we discussed on it is
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accurate is that it’s about the traits
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it shows about someone it’s
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do i want someone who is
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devoted to lifelong curiosity learning
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uh you know exposing himself to new
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ideas yes i don’t think i would be happy
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with someone who wasn’t a learner if you
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want to go to that like
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okay i do like sitting and reading a
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physical book and that’s a lovely
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activity for me
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it’s not that i need to look over in the
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corner and see someone else doing the
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same thing although that might be fun to
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do together but it is
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it’s a trait and so i get with this
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person who’s saying
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she’s ambitious he’s entrepreneurial
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i
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i think
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we all go through stages of life where
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we are very judgmental of other people
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and i think we you definitely see a lot
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of people in their 20s do this as well
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where they feel such a level of
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unearned certainty about
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everything they are and what they’re
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never gonna do and it’s like you know
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when you say like i’ll never be like
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that couple i’ll never do what my
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parents did i’ll never do what that
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person does and
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you know it’s like
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life humbles you in all sorts of ways
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there’s lots of things you end up doing
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or mistakes you end up making that you
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never thought you were capable of so i
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think we do need we need some humility
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about this
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i don’t think it’s wrong to know that
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see we don’t always want people like us
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that’s the issue isn’t it just because i
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i consider myself a driven person and
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have always been ambitious and
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quite achievement oriented but
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i don’t
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i don’t think someone else i was with
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would have to be
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just like me
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i don’t think that’s
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the case right jameson is there anything
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that you
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once upon a time told yourself was
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important to you that just ceased to be
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important at all
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well i don’t know if it ceased to be
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important
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at all
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but it is interesting the way
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steve put it about being humbled i think
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one of the things that really humbles me
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is when i think about
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how much i ended up being a lot like my
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parents
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and i was just thinking about that where
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it’s like
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yeah i told myself i’d never be in this
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kind of relationship but i told myself i
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would never
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act like this in this search situation
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and then you you catch yourself as you
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get a little bit older like oh that’s
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literally a phrase my dad used to say or
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something and i do think that’s humbling
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for me there’s like one thing that since
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i got married i probably watched a lot
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less documentary films
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than before i got married
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and i don’t want to say documentary
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films aren’t important to me but
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apparently not that important like
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i do still so there’s two points here
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one i like the differences between me
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and my wife and like i like the
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different tastes i don’t i didn’t need
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to go for someone who is exactly like me
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but there is always that thing we go
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back to which is like can they scuba
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dive explain that for us jameson what
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was that what was that metaphor about
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right so the scuba dive metaphor is
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maybe this person doesn’t like
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documentaries just out of the gate this
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is not their natural inclination to
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watch this thing on a genocide in
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indonesia
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you know
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but
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can that person put on some scuba gear
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and breathe underwater it’s not their
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natural environment underwater but will
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they scuba dive with you because they
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know it’s important to you
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and you know this was
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i this was made clear to me over the
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weekend actually i was speaking to an
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old college friend of mine i was out
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with a beer
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with uh my friend kamal and my wife was
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there
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and you know come on we just ask kamal
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what dating is like right now
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for him and uh he’s deep in the art
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world
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and he was just like saying like he just
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really wants someone who’s like
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understands how important being a part
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of the art world is
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to him and his career and just his
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everyday life
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and i was just looking at bianca and we
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were just kind of laughing because we
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just were both excited about the moment
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where he met someone who was not into
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art at all
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because that’s how we know that’s oh
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kamal’s messed up he’s in love because
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she’s not in art at all now she needs to
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scuba dive most likely for his career or
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whatever she needs to be able to work
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the room at like these art parties or
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whatever he goes to
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but i don’t know there is something
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interesting about like
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that lo that type of compatibility where
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it’s not ready made or natural but
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there’s
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that person who’s willing to understand
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the environment that’s important to you
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and willing to scuba dive in it with you
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for you i think it’s really sweet
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when someone
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i think it is one of the the sweetest
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things someone can do is
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do something that you
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like doing not i don’t pretending to
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like something is never a good a good
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idea but
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being
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being someone who knows that something
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is important to your partner and
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therefore
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asking them about it
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showing curiosity
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is
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that’s a very sweet thing to do god
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knows
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audrey
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has no doubt long since past the point
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of having
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having had enough about talking about
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brazilian jiu jitsu
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but she asks me
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and when i get to a new level
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she gets excited for me i do i do that’s
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right i do but you’re very sweet as well
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i think passion is incredibly attractive
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so when someone’s really passionate
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about something and they really care
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about it
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it’s just there’s something very sort of
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something attractive about that well the
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funny thing is if if you’re kamal and
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you
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want someone
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who understands in his words that it’s
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you know
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how
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what what were the words how important
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it is to be part of the art world
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yeah just
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how
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sort of like breakfast lunch and dinner
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he needs to be researching learning and
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talking about art in order to stay like
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on top of his game so he wants someone
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who understands
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why he spends so much time thinking
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about focusing on
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living and breathing that world yeah
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right right which as audrey says helps
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if you’re good at selling it
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if you’re good at being passionate about
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it and being excited about it and you
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can sort of just infect someone with
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your passion
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then that can go
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a long way it’s tricky though right
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because you can end up that and i don’t
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know your friend at all jameson so i i
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don’t say this about them but you can
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end up with one person very much turning
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the whole relationship on them and
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they’re
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like this is my obsession i live for
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this and the other person might be like
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yeah well i’ve i’ve got things i’m
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really into as well when i i can’t live
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for your
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obsession and something i love as well
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so
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does it
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does it end up being like quite a
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selfish demand
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i suppose kamal is getting at
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finding someone who’s understanding of
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the amount of time he spends there and
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how
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involved he is with that world
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and look that’s fine
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but we have to recognize that what we’re
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asking for
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you have to say well what would i say if
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someone else asked for that
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which they might
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am i willing to give that to somebody
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else
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and a lot of people who
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say i need someone who understands that
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xyz is so important to me
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they get real quiet
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when that’s flipped on them
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they’re like well they’re gonna need you
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to understand how important this other
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thing is to you that you have no
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interest in
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and that’s
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that’s when you realize whether you’ve
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got something that’s mutual or you’ve
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just got one person who thinks that what
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they do is the most important thing in
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the world and someone needs to just fit
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into that
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that’s not a team
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um so i
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i think a very common thing in choosing
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a partner
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is that we
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turn the language of
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they need to
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appreciate this part of me into they
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need to be that part of me
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right i don’t actually
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i don’t actually know how important and
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again i’m not putting you on the spot
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steve but i don’t actually in reality
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know
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how important it would be to you to find
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someone who quote goes after
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what they want i think that finding a
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champion of you
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is important but i don’t know how
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important it is that they actually have
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that kind of
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drive or mindset themselves
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well here’s it digging deeper here’s
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what i think when people like what i
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said or what the person who asked the
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original question said she said she
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wanted someone who or she wanted someone
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who was an entrepreneur who was driven
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and ambitious right who also made money
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like her
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so if i was psychoanalyzing a bit deeper
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what i think it might be is
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it’s if you identify as someone who
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doesn’t want to live like an unfulfilled
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life or you do you want to live a
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certain you you don’t want to be someone
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who is afraid to step into like
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something
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you know you you don’t want to be
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identify as someone who hides from life
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or who doesn’t you know if something you
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are passionate about you want to think
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i’m the kind of person who would have
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the courage
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to go with that and i think
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you you the fear
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of perhaps the questioner and perhaps
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what i’m saying about myself is that
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i don’t i wouldn’t want to end up with
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someone who i thought
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was
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um
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happy or complacent or was happy to just
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not not fulfill anything they wanted
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like if they did want certain things or
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they did
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have a vision for their lives you
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wouldn’t want to be with someone who
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lacked that passion or that drive or
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that
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you know
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that that determination to do what made
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them happy or to do what fulfilled them
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you know what i mean that’s kind of
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giving it generous language but you know
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i think we think oh i want to make money
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like me i want them to have this job or
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do this but i think in some way we just
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mean like i want them to have certain
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traits that i feel
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i don’t want to live with someone who
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has a complacent attitude to life i i
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think that
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we spend so much time
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trying to quote kind of find someone
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like who i am
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when what we’re really craving is
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someone who has an acceptance of who i
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am
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and i think we confuse the two
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and when we find someone who truly
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accepts
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how we are
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we suddenly start developing a very
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different level of acceptance
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of who they are because it’s a very
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contagious gift
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when you get that gift from somebody
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you want to give that gift back
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you
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