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Most marriages hit rough patches from time to time. Sometimes those rough patches become long, difficult stretches where the disconnection between the couple grows wider and they begin to feel like there are more bad experiences than good to recall in the relationship. That is the time to begin to pay attention and mend some of the patches before they grow into gaping open wounds.
Now is the time to simplify and get back to the basics of what works – and thoughtfulness is an incredibly effective tool to bring greater connection to relationships.
Thoughtfulness shows your partner that you’re thinking of them, paying attention to them and making them feel special. Plus, as you demonstrate more thoughtfulness in your relationship, your spouse is likely to begin to do the same for you.
Thoughtfulness is actively demonstrating to your partner that you’re thinking of them.
You can do this by:
- Sending loving texts in the middle of the day for no reason.
- Writing a simple love note or buying a card that expresses a loving sentiment.
- Picking up a simple gift for them that you know they would like while you’re out and about.
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My husband is a firefighter/paramedic, and when he goes to work, he is gone for 48 hours. There is always a simple love note or card in his cooler from me. The other day, I was at the grocery store, and I saw organic pears that I knew he would like, so I picked up a few of them for him. These are not enormous gestures, but they are the small gentle winks he receives from me that let him know he’s on my mind.
Thoughtfulness is paying attention to the details and the preferences of our partners:
- Remembering their favorite flowers or how they like their coffee, for example.
- Listening when he or she has had a difficult day and then giving them the “night off” to do something they would like to do, such as go for a walk, take a bath or read a book.
- When you’re buying a gift for her, you know what she likes and what she really wants.
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It’s a cop-out to say, “I don’t know what she would like, so I let her buy her own gifts.” Pay attention when she points something out to you that she likes and tuck that information away for future reference. That’s not difficult.
My husband bought me a pair of jeans, a sweater and a pair of boots for our first Christmas together and to my amazement – it all fit perfectly. The style was exactly what I wear, and the sizes were spot-on.
That’s paying attention to what I wear and probably taking a peek in my closet at the sizes. That’s not an enormous challenge, but it was the first time a man had ever done something like that for me, so I was blown away.
Thoughtfulness is making our partners feel special:
- Sharing a heartfelt compliment.
- Expressing gratitude for something you genuinely love and appreciate about them.
- If they’re feeling sick, go to the store to pick up some medicine or bring them chicken noodle soup in bed.
- Make them their favorite meal or let them choose the restaurant.
- Take on a task around the home that you know he or she doesn’t like to do.
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Of course, remembering birthdays and anniversaries is important, but as part of a couple, it’s extra thoughtful when you help them recognize a memory or milestone that is important to them.
For instance, one of my clients was struggling on the anniversary of her mother’s death, and her husband didn’t remember and never even asked what was wrong. It was a missed opportunity to connect with his wife on something that was important to her.
When a relationship is struggling, you can’t leave it on auto-pilot and assume it’s going to magically get better. You’ve got to take the lead and begin incorporating more thoughtfulness into the relationship.
When you do, you will create more connection and open the door to a new way of supporting and engaging with one another.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Shea Rouda on Unsplash