Joanna Schroeder gives a standing ovation to Vikings punter Chris Kluwe for his impassioned open letter about marriage equality, and insists that if we aren’t all doing the same, we’re participating in oppression.
You’re at a party, maybe it’s a barbecue. Maybe people from your church or your place of employment are in attendance. Maybe it’s your high school reunion, or your yearly fraternity reunion. Whatever it is, you’re there and someone says something along the lines of, “I don’t hate gays, I just think homosexuality is a sin.”
Or maybe they say, “I think gay people should have every right to be gay, but I don’t think they should be able to marry. Marriage is for one man and one woman. We can’t go changing that now.” And you pause. You look at your buddy and you think to yourself You’re totally wrong, dude, and I had no idea you were a closed-minded bigot!
Then you go through the internal debate that we’ve all experienced dozens of times when we feel our basic moral beliefs are being challenged. Should I, or should I not say something to this person? I don’t want to upset them or cause a problem … .
Our hesitance to challenge another often comes from a good place—a place of consideration for those around us who probably don’t want to hear a big political debate. We all probably notice a few beads of sweat on our upper lip when someone in a casual setting challenges another’s political or ethical stance. And we don’t want to do that to the people around us … We don’t want people to feel uncomfortable, right?
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On Friday, Minnesota Vikings’ punter Chris Kluwe wrote an open letter to Maryland state delegate Emmett C. Burns Jr. about same-sex marriage. And the letter was not nice. Burns recently urged Steve Bisciotti (majority owner of the NFL) to silence his players about the issue of gay marriage after NFL player Brendon Ayenbadejo spoke out in favor of gay marriage—something state delegate Burns believes NFL players shouldn’t have the right to do.
Kluwe’s letter was published on Deadspin and has already gone massively viral, acquiring over 600,000 views in less than 12 hours. That’s INSANE, almost unheard of! Kluwe says, among about a billion other awesome things (laced with some of the most eloquent profanity we’ve ever read), the following:
As recently as 1962 the NFL still had segregation, which was only done away with by brave athletes and coaches daring to speak their mind and do the right thing, and you’re going to say that political views have “no place in a sport”?
and this:
How does gay marriage, in any way shape or form, affect your life? If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you’ll start thinking about penis? “Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!” Will all of your friends suddenly turn gay and refuse to come to your Sunday Ticket grill-outs? (Unlikely, since gay people enjoy watching football too.)
I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster.
and this (emphasis mine):
I’ve also been vocal as hell about the issue of gay marriage so you can take your “I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayanbadejo is doing” and shove it in your close-minded, totally lacking in empathy piehole and choke on it. Asshole.
It’s that last one that’s the clincher for me.
Here’s the thing: When you say nothing, you’re telling the person who is spouting hate that you agree. When you simply nod and change the subject, you’re saying, “You’re right, I think being gay is abhorrent, and I think LGBT people should be denied their civil rights.” And the more people who say that to your pal, even if they say it with their silence, the more he believes he is right, and that he is in the majority.
That’s why it’s your job as a good person (you do think you’re a good person, don’t you?) to stand up for your LGBT brethren. It’s your job to be the person who says, “Actually, I think you’re wrong” to that lady who insists the family needs to be protected from gay marriage. Why is it your job? Because it’s all of our jobs to defend those we care about against someone who wants to harm them. And people who are against same-sex marriage actually want to harm your LGBT friends, at the very least in the form of discrimination, and at the worst with violence. Remember Matthew Shepard? We need to never forget Matthew Shepard (and the many others like him).
You may think your friend, the one who is against same-sex marriage, is a good person. And maybe she is. Maybe she volunteers at the soup kitchen and brings meals to her friends who have just had babies. That’s so good of her; I admire that. But, as my friends Hugo Schwyzer and Michael Rowe explained to me not too long ago, the time is rapidly approaching where those who are bigoted against LGBT people can no longer be considered “good”, just as it’s very hard to imagine that the racist guy who thinks Black people shouldn’t legally be able to marry White people is actually a really good person deep inside his rancid, bigoted heart.
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Beyond that, I believe there is a way to talk about our support of gay marriage that isn’t mean or highly confrontational. You don’t have to say, “You bigoted piece of crap!” to your neighbor at the block party (though I wouldn’t blame you). You can make your stance clear by saying, “I believe all Americans should have equal access to legal and civil rights, regardless of race, sexual orientation or anything else.”
You don’t have to insult your friend. You can keep your statements to yourself, what you believe, and the legality of the situation. You’re probably not going to convince an evangelical Christian that homosexuality is not a sin, or that they’re hypocrites for not following all of the other rules and regulations set forth in Leviticus.
But you can explain that we don’t legislate the other things the Bible says are sins, simply because the Bible says they’re bad. It’s not against the law to lie, or to cheat on your spouse, or to lust after your neighbor’s brand new Husqvarna chainsaw. It’s not illegal to acquire a massive fortune while children starve four miles away from your home. And yet the Bible makes clear that these things are sins. Even evangelical pastor Perry Noble asserts that the Bible takes a much stronger stance against gluttony than it does against homosexuality. And yet there are no laws against Supersizing that Big Mac Combo meal and tacking a hot fudge sundae onto the order.
Explain it calmly. Tell them they have every right to believe it’s a sin, but that they don’t have the right to prevent any law-abiding citizen’s equal access to civil rights. And yes, marriage is a civil right! It is a legal process—it happens in the courts—and it affords people civil benefits in taxation, social security, property ownership, inheritance, and in many other ways.
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You never know, your friend may be like Emmett C. Burns Jr. and truly believe that no other NFL player is speaking out in favor of same-sex marriage equality. Yeah, I know you don’t play for the NFL, but maybe you’ll be one of the first elementary school teachers, or construction site overseers, or Catholics, or members of a bowling league, or computer programmers, or youth leader, or fathers of four daughters, or accounts managers, or whatever else it is about you that makes you who you are, who speaks out about same-sex marriage equality to this particular friend of yours.
Because until you say it, even if you say it gently and with love, you’re a part of the problem. Until you say it out loud, even when it’s a bit uncomfortable, you’re telling the oppressors that what they believe is a-okay by you.
You cool with that?
Oh, and Chris Kluwe? You’re a great writer and seem like a very good man. Thank you.
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Also read: The Battle for Gay Rights is a Wrestling Match Over Masculine Identity by Liam Day
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Photo courtesy of the Minnesota Vikings
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For some reason, EVERY time someone is arguing for speaking up when someone starts spouting bigoted crap, the setting in which said crap is being spouted is a party or other friendly, ‘low-risk’ social gathering. Like the barbecue, church picnic, office christmas party, or school/college reunions alluded to here. Which then makes it bloody easy to argue that a failure to speak up against it makes you equal to a bigot yourself. Seductive argument … except it’s a load of pony 🙂 Because unfortunately, it’s all too often the case that the reasons for not speaking up aren’t, in fact,… Read more »
Listen, yes, you should exercise good judgement. But I think most of the time one can say something very mild and about oneself (instead of specfically calling out the other person or speaking about them at all) and it won’t upset the status quo at all. Do you do the same thing with racists? Or with disabled people? If someone’s saying that Black people shouldn’t be allowed to vote, for instance, or if someone’s making fun of a disabled person? Do you think people should stay silent on that? I think a simple, “I actually disagree with you, but I… Read more »
Look, it seems to me that you continue to talk about friends, and I wasn’t. I was talking about people with whom you have no choice, except to interact with them, and more – get along with them. And I don’t know about you, but that describes the biggest chunk of human interactions and relationships for about 90% of the population (I’m fortunate; I’m in the 10%, for now, but that’s neither here nor there). It’s all very well to get faux-vocative and say ‘well, fuck your friends if they’re oppressors”, but how does that help us progress? Okay, it’s… Read more »
“Classic example: at work. Or by your boss. Or both. Surely you’re not suggesting that the only way people can avoid being bigots is by confronting their boss for being one” Yet there are people who do. Maybe it’s because of all the crap I took when I was younger, but I rarely back down. I admit that when it comes to my friends, I have a greater likelihood of remaining silent. That probably also goes back to my childhood as we were a small group of Asians growing up in a white neighborhood and we needed each other. Sometimes… Read more »
well, I’m glad you spoke up those times. You made a direct difference, especially with the pregnant gal, and I reckon that’s a nice thing to carry 🙂 But the argument remains: we can line up all the personal experiences on one side that say ‘I spoke up and nothing bad happened’ but it’s just as easy to line up as many examples of, ‘I spoke up, and it messed with my life’. I could add my own either side – direct ones, where I was dong the speaking up, and indirect, where I saw or heard someone else do… Read more »
On another occasion in my late teens, my uncle told my mom that my cousin’s boyfriend had beaten her up. My mom told me and my brother so we asked my cousin where he was at. She told us and we found him with a group of friends. We asked them which one of them was her boyfriend and he spoke up. There were five of them and two of us. He was cocky for about 30 seconds before we started dropping people. I heard from the grapevine that after the fight, her friends were telling people that her cousin’s… Read more »
Those who fight for same-sex marriage but don’t also support or oppose poly marriage are no better and no different than what they criticize. They are no less “closed-minded bigots” than those they criticize.
Better said, “Those who fight for same-sex marriage but don’t also support or, worse yet, oppose poly marriage are no better and no different than what they criticize.”
Joanna, I agree 100% with you that gays should be entitled to the legal benefits and privileges of marriage, however that particular combination of things like tax benefits, child custody, medical authority, etc. wants to be called under the law. I don’t really care if it’s called “marriage” or a “civil union” as long as *legally* they get the same perks as opposite sex marriage. Religiously, I don’t give a shit if some believer or official church refuses to recognize it as marriage in some spiritual sense, because that’s religion and that’s up to them. There’s lots of religion (all… Read more »
I remember when I first wrote about my experience with my abusive friend, I was criticized by one person. My response to her was we prevented him from beating his girlfriend so what’s the problem if I never confronted my friend? I thought about it and realized that the problem is that we’re not always there. He could have beaten her again that night when we left the club. I think Joanna’s point is that even if we called same sex marriage something other than marriage, we’re othering LGBT people and that could lead to people committing acts of violence… Read more »
I understood Joanna’s point, and still disagree with it. If someone disagrees with me on a moral position, whether it’s religious or otherwise, that’s not enough to qualify them as a bigot. Bigotry is in actions, not in thoughts. If a devout Christian believes homosexuality is a sin and an affront to God, even bad enough to condemn someone’s soul to Hell, but simultaneously supports people’s right enter into same-sex contracts that cover tax benefits, child custody, powers of attorney, etc, (i.e. the legal aspects of marriage) then I do not care if they think it is real or moral… Read more »
Chris Kluwe is a good man…!
That took real balls! What a rare dude!
“You were A close-minded bigot!” Sounds like someone saying A gay or A black. How about you try, “I didn’t know you had bigoted tendencies.” There are arguments for not wanting gay marriage that have nothing to do with bigotry. It could be about simple interpretation and obedience to the Bible; it could be that you don’t think it should be illegal, but not allowed in your church. It’s convenient to slap a label on all these people as “bigots” though. “When you say nothing, you’re telling the person who is spouting hate that you agree.” That’s why I’m commenting… Read more »
I disagree, Brandon.
Not saying anything in the face of discrimination is not the high road. Ever.
As I say in the piece, you can say it gently and with love, and you don’t have to say a single negative thing to the person who is saying hateful things, you can simply state what YOU believe.
Hey, I’m all about saying something when unwarranted discrimination is going on. (I say unwarranted, because it’s necessary to recognize that discrimination happens all the time for good reasons. When an employer chooses the best applicant for the job, she discriminates between them and the others. When I I choose one woman over another on an online dating site–same thing.) But using an absolute like “ever” dismisses too much. If I’m interviewing someone and they say bigoted things I’m not going to try and change their minds. I’m going to continue the interview. If I’m a therapist and my client… Read more »
About 18 years ago, a couple friends and I went clubbing. The club we were going to was close to another friend’s house. We had room in the car for a fourth and we hadn’t seen him in years so dropped by to see if he wanted to come. His on-again, off-again girlfriend was there and at this point in time they were “off-again”. He wanted to go. She wasn’t dressed for it and didn’t. We told him that it was OK for him not to come and when he insisted, told him that we had space for him in… Read more »
Thank you John, for bringing up domestic violence as a large (even larger, in my view), problem within the “It’s not my place, and not my problem,” issue. The same issue has loomed for rape victims, and still does, as illustrated by the Sandusky tragedy (tragic for the victims, not the perps), the Savannah Dietrich injustice, and just yesterday, there was a report of a female judge who told the rape victim, “If you hadn’t gone into that bar, you wouldn’t have gotten raped. If you continue to blame others for your problems, you will never be free of them.”… Read more »
“When one stays neutral in situations of injustice, one has chosen the side of the oppressor.” ~ Desmond Tutu
“All that is necessary for evil to thrive, is for good men to do nothing.” ~ Edmund Burke.
”Real compassion kicks butt and takes names and is not pleasant on certain days. If you are not ready for this FIRE, then find a new-age, sweetness and light, perpetually smiling teacher and learn to relabel your ego with spiritual sounding terms. But, stay away from those who practice REAL COMPASSION, because they will fry your ass, my friend.” ~ Ken Wilber
“If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.” – Abraham Maslow ”Real compassion kicks butt and takes names and is not pleasant on certain days. If you are not ready for this FIRE, then find a new-age, sweetness and light, perpetually smiling teacher and learn to relabel your ego with spiritual sounding terms. But, stay away from those who practice REAL COMPASSION, because they will fry your ass, my friend.” ~ Ken Wilber I agree wholeheartedly with Ken Wilber’s sentiments – Real Compassion is not pleasant at certain times – Fire is a… Read more »
Yes. Well said. Allies need to come out of the closet and stand up for their friends and families. No matter the issue (race, ablism, health, gender, sexuality) speak up.
As a Catholic, I am always irritted when Christians see Cristian morality as law and I wholeheartedly agree with the proposal that two unmarried adult people should have the right to marry by law. Legal marriage is anyway a very different animal than religious marriage. Reading frequent complaints about laws, which discriminate based on gender, especially on this site, how about an ammendment to the constitution, which interdicts the state to distinguish based on sex or gender? I say “distinguish” and not “discriminate”, because “discriminate” allows for discussions what is “real discrimination” and what is not, which can inhibit the… Read more »