After 31 years, I am ending my marriage with the man that I love and it is by far the hardest thing I have ever chosen to do. It requires me to trust what I know, have faith in what I believe and to surrender to the unknown.
I was not, however, able to make my marriage the marriage I craved to be a part of.
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Over the year’s I have worked diligently towards creating a healthy and beautiful marriage. I’ve participated in marriage retreats, non-violent communication training, counseling, personal development and healing the childhood wounds. I became more awakened and aware of who I am, how I affect others, and I was able to bring more honesty, appreciation, love and respect to the relationship.
I was not, however, able to make my marriage the marriage I craved to be a part of. Nor was I able to create the family life I hoped for and dreamt about for my children.
I was not successful in creating the marriage I wanted because I married someone that I was not supposed to. I knew the relationship was not the right one for me, and judging by his participation in it, it was not the right one for him either, but we went along with it anyway. Looking back it is clear, that neither of us had the awareness or maturity to confront the truth and move on accordingly.
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I don’t believe “I thought I could change Stephen,” as it is said, many people go into relationships thinking. I thought I could change me into what he needed in a wife. Not consciously at the time, consciously I believed that he was a good person and my dissatisfaction in the relationship was because something was wrong with me, not him.
The absence of outward aggression in Stephen made him a Saint in my mind
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I was coming from an abusive childhood, so for me it didn’t register yet, that Stephen was unable to converse with me and didn’t seem to have any interest in doing so. What registered is that he did not call me names or hit me, was a gentle lover and genuinely cared for me, for those reasons I believed I was extremely lucky to be in a relationship with him. The absence of outward aggression in Stephen made him a Saint in my mind, reinforcing that anything wrong with our marriage must be my fault.
So I spent many years in therapy, reading books, anything that could help me fix me so that I could need less and appreciate this silent but safe man in my life. I loved Stephen; I could not have been more in love with him. I thought he was the most beautiful man in the world, still do.
I lit up when he walked into the room, but he never noticed. He was simply unable and not interested in meeting me where I was. He was not interested in any of the activities or interests that I was drawn to. He engaged in a few of these things in the beginning, but over time he grew to resent participating in any of it or feeling like he had to. My first response to this was to convince myself I did not need those things to be happy.
As the years went by and I realized that those were the activities and interests that actually nurtured my soul, I began to put pressure and express my disappointment that he didn’t participate in them. Part of my motivation was for my own pleasure, but the other was that I wanted to give my children a love of the outdoors, adventure and connecting with people, which were the things that brought me so much satisfaction in life. I wanted to introduce them to more of the world outside of our home. Because I loved Stephen, I eventually stopped expressing my disappointment. I knew what it was to feel like you were not enough, and I did not want to do that to him or convey that message to our children. I also didn’t want to feel like I was his victim, because of course I was not, so I quit asking and started taking the kids on outings by myself, as well as doing things alone.
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I still longed to have a connection with my husband. I longed to have him interested in me and what fired me up in life. He loved me, he just didn’t need the things I needed. Connection for Stephen was just having me there. For a long time I thought I could stay married like that, but denying what I needed most, was chipping away at my spirit.
There is so much I can write about after 30 years of trying to grow a marriage that seemed incapable of growing.
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Giving this much energy towards trying to make something work, that was never meant to, took away from the rest of my life, including Motherhood. There were times throughout the 31 years that I was discouraged, and depressed. I know I missed things during that time; more than I would have liked to. I, by choice, was pretending to be less to keep my marriage and it meant I was less in every area of my life and in every way.
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There is so much I can write about after 30 years of trying to grow a marriage that seemed incapable of growing, but I think the most valuable thing I can share is that, sometimes things are not meant to work. When we genuinely and earnestly give our effort to something we believe in and it does not ever bear fruit, or enough to compensate you for everything you are giving, it is of utmost importance to pay attention to that. It is not working for a reason. It is not meant to. So often we pretend that that is not the case because much is required if we acknowledge it, but it is truly our gift. It is life/god/the universe/natural consequence (what ever you believe) telling us, “hey, this is not your path, it is time to course-correct.”
I ignored that for years because I didn’t believe I deserved more. I believed I would be punished if I hurt Stephen in an effort to be happier, I was afraid to hurt my children any more than I may have already, I was afraid of the unknown. Somewhere on this journey I grew spiritually and became much more self-aware. As fate would have it, we were given an opportunity to live separately for 3 1/2 months. We were moving across the Pacific and Stephen needed to stay at his job for four more months than I did. I went ahead with our only child who was still at home. Separated, all of the anxiety, depression and confusion that seemed a normal part of my life by now, lifted. It became blatantly clear that my unhappiness was a result of me denying what I knew for years. It was because I had created the most inauthentic existence and I was dying a little each day as a result.
With that said, it is not an easy journey, but one I am grateful to be on.
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I could tell you it is because Stephen didn’t know how to be present or have any interests, but it would be a lie. Because I know women who would be happy with what Stephen brings to the table and where he is in his own evolution. I wish I could have been me while allowing Stephen to be himself, but I was never able to do that without turning myself down.
So, instead I am loving and celebrating Stephen for who he is and giving myself permission to no longer be married without judging myself negatively for it. I hope he finds and receives everything he needs to grow and expand into his full potential. I want to see him happy, and I hope that includes him finding a wonderful person to love and who loves him back the way he needs to be loved. What a beautiful thing for each of us to model to our children. It is never too late.
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With that said, it is not an easy journey, but one I am grateful to be on. I still worry on occasion that I am hurting him, even though I know this is the best thing for Stephen, myself and our children. Living my authentic truth is the best gift I can give to me and everyone I love. Each day that I do, I see the natural consequence of my choices and how it is beautifully affecting each one of us.
Stephen and I have talked at length about this entire process over the last year. We have held each other through some painful moments, we have talked about the fear, disappointment, loss, hope, and our future together as family and friends instead of spouses and I know we are going to be okay. In fact I know we will all thrive in a way we have not yet, as this new life of ours unfolds. When we live in truth, everyone around us benefits.
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Photo creedit: Flickr/ Stuart Heath
So beautifully written. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way too. I’ve always blamed myself of my feelings. Such as loneliness because it seems like anything I do my husband is not interested in it.
Your story is sadly a very common one. Too many of us stay in a relationship for our children, or because we are afraid to start over again, or are too old to start over again. It is nice to see that after being afraid for so long, you have found the courage to make a stand, and do what you feel is right for you AND Stephen. I’m sorry that you couldn’t make it work but I applaud the fact that you are doing it for him also and want him to find the love and happiness that he… Read more »
I think you did a beautiful job of telling us how difficult it is to live so many years and be unfulfilled. We go day after day, which soon turns into years and nothing changes. I applaud you for having the courage and the foresight to see that. I’m sure when Stephen is released from his vows; some lucky girl will be a better fit for him and in the end, he will thank you for it. Good luck to both of you.
Carrie, thank you for this article – I read a lot of articles on here and can relate to many of them, but nothing has ever resonated with me like yours. I am in a very similar situation, but I’m also at a very different point in my marriage. I have been with my husband for over 6 years, married for two, we do not have any children, and I am now in the process of separating from him. The reason I am doing this is the same reason you separated from your husband – I have learned through dealing… Read more »
Thank you Carrie for writing your vulnerable story. It is the same story as mine. I applaud your strength, courage, self-love, truth, you are beautiful. …and I was dying a little each day….only you know this and you KNOW this. Here’s to all of us blossoming into our beautiful, authentic selves and lives.
The most depressing thing of this is the title. The old story of wanting to return at your 15’s eh? 31 years !! of “bearing”, that’s the problem, each day you were filling the glass of disappointment. Love is not that, Love is to be able to react intelligently to the problems with values and appreciate the situations to mold and shape your next day, redemption acceptance, not to confuse with being conformist. Someone would have to be very stupid for not to mold your life around something, you just were swimming against the current. You don’t screw it in… Read more »
If you have to feel free in the absence of someone, then that speaks a lot.
Please don’t judge. She did her best. Some things just don’t work out. Accept it.
I agree this is a bunch of self-serving mumbo jumbo. I am divorced and remarried. I do not judge couples who divorce; I know first-hand that sometimes it is for the best and agree that some things just aren’t meant to be. But the author’s insistence that she couldn’t be her authentic self within a marriage to a man she professes to love rings false. She wants to go skydiving? So go skydiving. She wants to climb a mountain? So climb the friggin’ mountain. Why does her husband have to do that with her? Sheesh. If love, kindness, good sex… Read more »
So …
You’d rather judge both of them?
Also did you read the last part where she said she and he talked a lot?
I’m sorry, but this is a lot of self-serving bs in my opinion. The comments seem to be filled with the same bs sentiments.
No one has the right to make a judgement of pretending to know what is best for someone else.
This is a very intimate glimpse of loving and leaving, and how sometimes the most loving thing to do is to leave. You speak an authentic and vulnerable truth. Living that truth can be the most heart wrenching choice a man or a woman can make, as I too can attest. Thank you for sharing from your heart and giving others the courage to do the same.
Thank you for your kind words Brian. I appreciate that you recognize doing the right thing does not always feel good; it can be very painful at first, but always a journey worth taking. Best wishes,
Wow…I’m totally blown away. I’m living this exact story right now (married almost 21 yrs) but currently stuck in an in-home separation because I’m too scared to take the next step. I don’t feel justified in leaving cause he’s a good guy and he wants to change, but he’s tried to change several times before and I just don’t trust him anymore. Plus I really want him to be who he is and not feel like he always has to bend to my expectations. But he doesn’t want me to give up on him…I don’t want to hurt him but… Read more »
Jae, thank you for sharing your personal story. I want you to know I hear you and understand your desire to be both true to yourself and loving and supportive to your husband. I think the challenge for many of us, is we think that there is only one outcome for the situation you describe. In fact there are many possible outcomes and it is up to us to figure out what it will be for our unique situation. Unique because it is yours, between you and your spouse, built on a foundation that was birthed through your life histories… Read more »
I love love loved this article. Its so reassuring to see someone with this view point. Going through a separation is hard and its not made any easier by the tirades of “just work it out’ and the guilt trips of “you didn’t work hard enough” or “People like you are why the institution of marriage is dying”. There’s so much guilt there its hard to find the personal acceptance of just not being right for each other. I adore the fact that you want the best for your ex partner and it appears you’ve kept a healthy relationship despite… Read more »
Thank you for your response, Jay. I appreciate hearing your thoughts. I don’t think we will never have everyone’s blessing when it comes to ending a marriage. For those that are trying to save theirs, every divorce makes them feel that much more vulnerable. I understand, I use to be that person who dreaded hearing about people divorcing. For anyone going through divorce or separation, the experience can be an opportunity to learn how to rely on your belief in your actions without the dependence of others to validate them for you. That is where I am today and it… Read more »
This hits so very close to home. I applaud your strength and courage.
Thank you Jan, for your comment and for taking the time to read my article. I think if it were just about strength and courage, I could have done this a long time ago. I had to heal a lot of old wounds to get to this place where I love and care for myself enough to value my happiness as much as I valued my kids and husbands happiness. The strength and courage then came into to play in a big way. We all have it. Sending you big LOVE and the hope that you discover the next right… Read more »
Is this a true story? Just ripped my heart out. Thank you. I be reading it daily.
Yes, this is part of my story, Emily. Thank you for taking the time to read it and commenting.
Your experience sounds very similar. I suffered childhood traumas, I currently suffer from symptoms of ptsd. I was married 21 years. I left my marriage and family almost 2 years ago. It was the most difficult choice I ever had to make. I don’t regret it, but I’m still feeling very lost. In spite of this not knowing what’s going to happen, I feel validated by the light I see in my son’s eyes. I needed to see this today. Thank you for sharing.