Want a Lifetime of Love? Stop Doing These 3 Relationship-Killing Mistakes

Love is not magical. It cannot be fate or chemistry. It is about connection, a deep emotional connection.

That is what Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson teaches us.

Love is a bond, just like a parent-child bond. Too often, we destroy such a bond even without knowing it.

I have seen it in my life. I have seen couples argue over petty things like who left the dishes in the sink or who forgot to text back without really knowing what’s going on with each other.

So if you want to have lasting love, then you should stop committing these three major mistakes.

They are relationship killers and will almost always crop up in a couple’s crises. Let’s break them down.

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#1. Turning Your Fights Into Battles

Ever find yourself seriously thinking, I need to win this argument? Or maybe, they never listen. I have to make them see my side. A trap.

Dr. Sue Johnson calls it Demon Dialogue.

Couples get stuck in attack-attack-defense-defense cycles. One partner pushes; the other pulls away. And the more one fights, the more the other shuts down.

Just think about it: What really happens when you oppose your partner? Are you trying to solve an issue or trying to be heard? Mostly, we just need reassurance, saying, Do I matter to you? Will you be there for me? Yet, rather than answer these questions with love, all fighting happens.

Anger rises; blame and defense come in. The connection weakens.

How to fix it:

Instead of saying, You never listen to me, try, I feel unheard, and that scares me.
Instead of saying, You’re always on your phone, say, I miss you and wish we spent more time together.
Look for the fear beneath the fight. Are you afraid they don’t care? Afraid of being alone? Just say it. This is a lot stronger than anger.

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#2. Ignoring the Emotional Bids

Love is not built in monumental situations; it is fostered in the tiny ones. Each day, we make “bids” for one another’s attention. A bid is when a partner reaches out for his or her partner with hopes of his or her response.

They may go like this:

“See this funny meme.”
“How was your day?”
A light touch on an arm.

When your partner answers positively, a connection deepens; when the attempt is ignored, or worse, when the response is negative, a bond weakens.

Dr. Johnson states that couples who feel disconnected stop responding to the other person’s bids. One person stops asking, and the other stops noticing. All at once, they lead separate lives but with the same roof above.

I have seen this happen. A person who feels rejected withdraws. He or she no longer talks or shares. The partner feels this distance but doesn’t know how to respond. The cycle continues.

How to fix it:

Pay attention when your partner attempts to reach out for some attention.
Respond even if it might be something tiny. If he says, “Hey, look at this article,” do not dismiss it. Engage.
Make bids of your own. Ask them about their day; touch a shoulder; show much interest in what they love.

Small moments compound rapidly in love. They are really the essence of love that holds it all together.

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3. Believing That Independence is More Important Than Connection

Give it a twist; have the reader then conclude that being “too needy” has negative connotations. Strong people don’t depend on others. That’s false advertising.

Dr. Johnson’s book demystifies that love does not mean independence; it means securely attached. The individuals in a relationship are not those who will never need each other; they are two whole people who trust each other enough to lean in.

If all you say is, I don’t need anyone, you are not guarding your heart; you are quarantining it from love.

Because love is never weak. Strong couples ask for reassurance, for comfort, for connection. Pretending that we don’t care, acting like we don’t need anyone, creates distance, and distance kills relationships.

How to fix it:

Let your partner be the one you can rely on without hesitation. It’s not weakness; it’s human.
Don’t internalize your hurt. If you feel badly, speak up; tell them, “I need you right now.”
When your partner is pulling away, don’t just assume that he/she doesn’t care; ask what’s going on.

In particular, the very strongest couples find security in their attachments. Together, they know that, in times of trouble, they can count on one another; it is okay to need them.

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But this love will last forever: one is no more fighting for “winning”; it’s responding to emotional bids and accepting the reality that real love would have to lean on each other.

So next time you’re fighting with your partner, ask yourself: Am I fighting for connection, or am I pushing them away?

The choice is yours.

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I hope you enjoyed reading. This blog post comes from what I’ve learned and what I think and believe. Sign up for my Medium newsletter.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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