When I was separated and beginning to date, I got a lot of advice from friends, co-workers, friends of my ex-husband, randos, family members, old-marrieds.
My mom, who had not been single since 1980, gave me her own set of advice as well: read Steve Harvey’s Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.
“I read it and talked to your father about it, and he agrees with Harvey completely,” she said.
Her giving me any dating advice was a little…precious. She hadn’t been single since jazzercising in leotards was a thing.
Regardless, I did read Steve Harvey’s book, and I’ll tell you that he actually gives some great advice for women seeking to find a long-term relationship with a quality guy.
Harvey uses the analogy of fishing to describe dating.
Men are fishermen, and women are either “sports fishes” or “keepers:”
“A man fishes for two reasons: he’s either sport fishing or fishing to eat, which means he’s either going to try to catch the biggest fish he can, take a picture of it, admire it with his buddies and toss it back to sea, or he’s going to take that fish on home, scale it, fillet it, toss it in some cornmeal, fry it up, and put it on his plate…”
If you’re a “sports fish,” a man is going to toss you back into the sea (dump you), but if you’re a “keeper,” he’s going to…eat you, I mean, marry you. His analogy doesn’t work perfectly, but his description of women does.
Sports fishes have no rules, requirements, standards, or respect for themselves.
Keepers have rules, requirements, standards, and respect for themselves.
“It’s not the guy who determines whether you’re a sports fish or a keeper — it’s you.”
The big question to ask yourself is, “Do you have standards? Respect for yourself?”
If you don’t, men are going to keep tossing you back into the sea (This kind of sounds like they’re trying to murder-drown you, but it just means they’re breaking up with you.).
Following my separation, I started out dating like I was a “sports fish.”
I had no clue what I wanted, had no future plans beyond the upcoming weekend, and not even enough self-esteem to make any decisions for myself. I just went along with whatever.
Needless to say, I got “thrown back,” aka dumped, a lot.
I ended up taking a break off from dating. I used that time to work on shoring up my self-esteem. I started with saying affirmations every morning. Every day as soon as I woke up, I told myself, “I am lovable. I am worthy and deserving of love.”
When I started to believe those things were true about myself, I knew I was ready to try dating again. This time, I came it as a “keeper,” which meant that I wasn’t willing to settle for anyone that wasn’t going to see me as special and valued.
If you too want to be “kept,” here are what you need to do:
Command respect and discard anyone who doesn’t respect you.
The greatest way we can show respect for ourselves is not letting others disrespect us. If a guy says he’s going to call and he doesn’t for something other than an emergency, let him go. If he shows up late without a courtesy phone call or text, let him go.
If you say you want a long-term relationship and he says he isn’t interested in one or that he “might” be into one “one day,” move on. You need people who can be definitive about saying “yes” and people who do and say what they say they’re going to.
Be respectful yourself.
If you want to be respected, it’s only fair that you BE respectful too. If he says he can’t talk while he’s at work or with his child, respect that. If he sets some other kind of reasonable boundary, honor it as you would hope he would honor yours.
Know that he’s busy and has a life too.
Be clear about what you want and expect.
You want a relationship and a family? Great. Share that. No kids? Kids? Married? Not married? Poly/open? Share all of that.
You want to be communicated with a few days a week and have a date night once a week? Communicate that, and also be open to compromises.
Take care of yourself.
Maintain relationships that help you feel loved and supported. Work on your own career and whatever else you value and love. Go the gym if you want to. Eat well if you want to. Strive to be happy in your own life and with your own self.
A lot of dating advice for women is just plain silly, but working on yourself, knowing what you want, loving yourself, and then not putting up with anyone who isn’t willing to abide by your standards isn’t dumb. It’s actually really smart.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: on iStock