You can do the work.
It doesn’t matter if you learn all of the seduction and attraction techniques, wear fancy clothes or makeup, say the right things, or understand all that you can about love, dating, and relationships.
If your foundation is weak, everything else will follow suit the same way.
Before you even consider adopting these proactive steps, you need to drop these four beliefs first for a chance at a better love life:
1. Believing you’re entitled to love, sex, or relationship
Deserving love and connection is fundamental to human beings.
You have value because you are human, and there’s nothing else you need to be or do that you don’t already have. There is nothing extra that you need to do to be deserving of love.
HOWEVER,
There’s a difference between deserving love, and feeling entitled to it.
For a long time, society has taught that everyone is special and unique. This has led to what you could call “main character syndrome” that many people suffer from.
Why don’t people like me?!?!
I am the most important person in the world. Everything revolves around me.
People begin to believe they’re entitled to love and connection, and what does this lead to?
Laziness.
Just because you deserve something, like love, does not mean you don’t have to work for it.
Love, trust, and connection are something that is earned, without this, it loses its meaning, and its value.
If everyone “fell in love” with you without you having to do anything, would you value it? Or might you start to lose gratitude for it…?
You will stop working to achieve and maintain love that you do not value. Would it be right to expect anyone to drop their standards for you with this attitude?
In this way, you’ll be sabotaging your success at relationship-building before it even begins. Thus, you will never experience true, passionate love.
Why?
Love cannot exist outside of a relationship. And what is a relationship? Two people who compromise, exchange, and set boundaries in an established framework.
Withholding yourself due to your entitlement is a selfish thing to do in this process. Sooner or later, that other person will excuse themselves from your life.
2. Thinking the perfect relationship exists
Love, connection, and relationships are, by nature, messy and imperfect.
With modern culture and the near-unlimited amount of options, many people have bought into the idea that “perfection” in love exists.
“Perfection” is an unattainable list of demands. An intangible, made-up goal.
A lot of people have absurd demands. While these demands have a noble or good cause, they keep you from seeing someone else as they are in the moment.
This leads to disappointment, frustration, and disconnection.
If you have such a list, do you live by every bullet point? Are you first willing to live according to these expectations? While that list or that idea is a somewhat useful tool to aim towards a good partner, no one is likely to ever be able to meet every expectation.
Expecting or seeking perfection will keep you stuck single, or in shallow, unfulfilling relationships. Rather than chasing an impossible standard, observe their strengths and weaknesses.
- Will the effort of a relationship with this person be worth the drawbacks?
- Are they on an upward trend?
- How often do they commit to things that serve more than their selfish desires?
3. “I don’t have time”
This is the biggest mistake people make with their love life. They want love, sex, and connection, but they dislike the process.
I know what it’s like. Dating should be fun, and it can be — if you’re dating the right people. Dating takes time, and often you’ll end up on dates with boring, uninteresting people you don’t click with.
Sometimes it can be downright toxic.
As a result, people develop an apathetic or uncommitted attitude, and it becomes a “side thing”. A half-hearted attempt will likely yield nothing more than casual, vapid relationships that neither person cares about.
Even worse, some people will “play” each other.
They’ll lead you along acting like they are interested and then when they secure a relationship (or what appears to be one), they revert back to what they were doing before.
However, this process is usually far subtler.
Eventually, the two of you may cohabitate, but one person neglects their responsibility for the relationship and it becomes one-sided or toxic.
Why do internalizers so often end up in lopsided relationships where they do more than their fair share of the emotional work? One reason is that needy externalizers tend to pursue warm and giving internalizers. Initially, they make the internalizer feel special in order to secure the relationship, but once they have the person, they stop doing the emotional work of reciprocating.
There are a few reasons people are unwilling to make the time for successful results.
- You’re too “comfortable”: Notice, I didn’t say step out of your comfort zone. You’ve been told that success lies outside your comfort zone. But, no one performs well there. The problem is your comfort zone is too limited, and it might not include things like taking action toward a better love life. For more reading on this, I recommend one of my Substack posts here.
- Believing there are no “suitable” partners: People get hurt from relationships every single day, and they carry that trauma with them. But to let your vision get colored by every past experience will distort your reality. This belief is simply taking “perfection” one step further and giving up. In fact, the thought that no one is suitable will make it exactly that! Until you drop this idea, you will never be open to letting anyone get to know you. And truly, you deserve those results if you are going to think like that.
- It’s a skill issue: Dating isn’t easy. It’s not “smooth sailing” from here on out once you label your bond as a relationship. Some people find it easier to build relationships. But, for everyone, it takes work to go from “stranger” or “acquaintance” to long-term intimate lovers. Often, many things can go wrong along the way. Even the best “people person” can’t predict or plan for them. It takes time, concentration, and effort to build up social skills, and often people want the results more than they want the work.
4. Your relationship status is permanent
I used to be like this.
When my fiancé left me back in 2022, it felt like my world had fallen down. Most of my identity was wrapped up in the relationship. After it ended, I caused myself a lot of suffering.
I was convinced I would remain single, lonely, and miserable for the rest of my life.
This was one of my lowest points in life so far. I often felt anxious, sad, and ashamed that this had happened. In my head, I wondered “How the fuck am I supposed to find someone else to love me if the ‘love of my life’ had just left me?”.
I was deeply afraid I was always going to be single for the rest of my life. I saw the effort it would take was too overwhelming and there wasn’t any guarantee that it would work again.
What if I keep getting rejected?
What if I am stuck like this for the rest of my life?
While I probably should have allowed myself the time to process the breakup, I managed to sleep around, date, and end up in a few crappy “situationships”.
I must have been doing something right. I realized I wasn’t entirely unlikable. Life isn’t always full of rejection, it just takes some trial and error.
Before all of this, I didn’t have much skill with romance or attraction. I learned from my mistakes and played to my strengths. But this fear of being alone wouldn’t abate.
Then I started questioning this bullshit belief like, “How could I always be single if I put in the work? Clearly, it’s yielded some kind of results, so the only way I’ll remain single is if I don’t put in any effort.”
Gradually, with “better” experiences, some trust, and shedding limiting beliefs, I’ve found that this mindset keeps me stuck in a false belief.
If you believe that you can’t replace that relationship, or you can’t find someone else better for you, of course, it will never happen, because if you are telling yourself you can’t, you will avoid or directly do things to live according to that belief.
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Your beliefs will dictate your external circumstances. When you view relationships, love, or dating negatively, remember: you can change your beliefs by letting go.
The longer you hold on to ideas or patterns that don’t serve you, the longer you’ll remain in the unfortunate state you find yourself in.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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